Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - *update* he's here, downstairs -the truth - for the first time. extremely graphic.
I wanted to do this a long time ago but I've been too scared. A couple of people have encouraged me to share my story on here instead of just disappearing from life and I've been too ashamed, too scared of facing what actually happened.
Hammy I love you dearly, you're a friend in a million and you convinced me to try and do this so I hope you will all forgive me for being self indulgent and selfish in sharing this.
Not so long ago, my gran was diagnosed with cancer of the, my family, being one who reject emotions, rejected my gran. Her illness made her "not perfect" in their eyes. I became her carer and it was the greatest honour of my life to date. That woman was my sunshine, her smile would keep you going for the whole day.
I promised her I would be by her side through everything. Towards the end she was more and more frightened and it destroyed me to watch her go through that. I promised her I wouldn't leave her, that I'd be there to hold her hand when the time came and it comforted her, let her sleep.
But the day she died I was out - I went shopping for her and when I came back - I found her passed away and from what I could see it was not peaceful. I rang 999 and they said I had to do CPR, but it was obvious she'd been dead hours.
The details of what happened are far too graphic and I will not go into them infront of you all. But it was pointless - she'd gone.
It destroyed me, the memories of it keep coming and coming. I see her, feel it over and over.
Everytime I'm back there I throw up and end up just sat shaking.
When my uncle found out she'd died without me being there, he was furious. He'd bullied my gran for years and hadn't seen her in over ten years, not even when she was diagnosed but it seems his guilt got the better of him. He came down while I was clearing out her bunglaow and he laid into me. Next thing I know I'm on the floor and he's forcing himself on me and in me again and again. Saying he wanted me to feel his anger and know what I deserved.
He's my family, how could he do that to me. Why would he do that.My spirit was already broken, why did he have to take my body and soul too.
Nothing is mine anymore, my body is his, what does it matter if I cut it to pieces, it's dirty and used and rotten - just like me.
I can still feel him all over me and I can't live like this anymore.
He took everything I am. How can I possibly live through this?
Last edited by hoping_one day : 12-12-2007 at 07:07 PM.
Reason: to inform of updated content
Han7777777 is my dear RYL sister.
Ordette a.k.a prs100 is my RYL Daughter
Oh wow, that's horrible, what he did, and after everything else that you had to go through. I think you are a very strong and brave person just for making it through all that.
First of all, it was not your fault at all that you weren't there when your gran died. How could you possibly have known when it would happen? You shouldn't feel bad or guilty about it at all, because you were the one who was there for her through her illness when the rest of your family was not. I'm sure she was very grateful to have you, and I'm sure that you made the end of her life much more pleasant than it would have been if she had no one. And I think she is looking down on you right now and thanking you and watching over you.
As for your uncle, I know this may seem impossible, but he is not even worth another thought. He had no right at all to do that to you, or even to blame you for what happened with your gran. Try not to feel like your body is "dirty and used and rotten". If you keep going and hang in there, that is the best thing you can do to prove that he may have hurt you once but he has no control over the rest of your life. You belong to yourself, no one else, and only you can determine how your life turns out.
It's good that you shared your story with us, it will allow us to help you better. I hope that it helped you to get all that out. Just remember that we're always here for you. *hugs*
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
Thank you so much. I don't think I've cried this much...ever.....but it's as much in relief of sharing this than anything else.
It's just, he's not out my life. He lives near us, he's coming for Christmas and he says he's going to do it again. He says he'll keep doing it until I have suffered enough, as much as I deserve.
He sends me threatening emails and is always touching me whenever he's round here and thinks no one's looking.
I can't get rid of him, every time I see him I just crumple and I'm back there in the bungalow. I can't seem to keep myself in the present and he's got total control over me.
I just haven't been able to see any way round this apart from ending what is a completely ugly and used life.
Rowie your words touched me so much, butterfly you too - you are both some of the kindest people on this planet.
I just can't live like this, I recoil whenever anyone hugs me, and I can't bear to take my clothes off even when alone because all I can see is him and I just want to cut him out of me. But he went too deep, I can't cut deep enough to get him out.
I'm sorry, I must sound so awful. This is all my fault.
Han7777777 is my dear RYL sister.
Ordette a.k.a prs100 is my RYL Daughter
I'm so sorry that you had to endure that awfulness your uncle. And I have so much respect for you being able to come out of a family that can't deal with feelings, and being such a caring, thoughtful person. Your gran was lucky to have you, and I agree with the previous poster who thought that maybe she waited 'til you were out of the house to spare you, because she loved you so much. The symptoms you're experiencing sound horrible, but they also sound like a very normal trauma response, that anybody would have who'd been through what you had to go through. I hope you are getting/can get help to recover-- the symptoms can get better with time. But... you may not like this... but you've got to protect yourself from your uncle, which probably means telling someone official. What he's doing, with the emails and the verbal threats and the unwanted touching, to say nothing of the past, is horrible, wrong, ILLEGAL, and prosecutable. Can you get a restraining order against him? Or stay away from your family for a while if it means seeing him, do Christmas with friends instead? You should not have to endure any more from that man. You do not deserve any suffering. Him on the other hand... the badness isn't in you, so you won't be able to cut it out. He hurt you deeply but you can recover. Good therapy has helped me a LOT, and I think you can get better too. Please protect yourself. Think of how you'd treat one of the kids you treat if they were in your shoes. Take care.
safe cyber-hugs
Last edited by popcorn : 11-12-2007 at 08:57 PM.
Reason: changing language to maybe trigger less
I know how hard this would be but could you keep the emails and get the police involved? What a horrible man and he needs put in his place. Not sure what else to say excpet you are very brave for writing all that. Good luck
I don't really have any advice, but you know what? You sound like you did everything you could for your grandma- and thats what counts. You were an amazing grandchild who did everything she could. Noone could ask for more, you did great.
As for your uncle, its not your fault. He shouldnt be doing this and you definitely do not deserve it. I agree with Nat, maybe the police would be a good idea? If not, a christmas away from him would probably be a good idea.
Take care, xxx
Let me add my voice to say that you should call the police. Save the messages onto a disc too and give a copy to a trusted friend to take care of. Can you get some kind of caller ID or call blocking preliminary to getting a restraining order?
Your uncle assaulted you and told you how guilty you were because he deep inside somewhere he was not good enough or strong enough or compassionate enough or selfless enough to do what you were doing. He was transferring his inadequacies onto you then assaulting you.
Cutting yourself won't remove from him the feelings within himself that he is trying to punish.
You have nothing to be guilty about. While you were out you were doing things to take care of your Gran. Things that no one else was willing to do. No one else either volunteered to run those errands or to spend time with your Gran while you ran the errands as a way of taking a break from what had to have been incredibly difficult.
Please find a safe place to be for the Holidays. You are worth taking care of. Let your friends help you. Let you help you and take care of yourself.
Offering a non threatening gentle cherishing hug to you.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
What an asshole.
Sorry, I'm not very eloquent when I'm pissed off.
Call the police, please, and get him out of your life. You are far too valuable a person to have someone like that take what he did from you.
I am in awe of how strong you are. Thanks for sharing your story...I know that it took a lot of guts, and you are taking such important steps to recovering this awfulness. But YOU are not awful, you are just the brunt of a very skewed situation where you were incredibly misused and judged. I am thinking of you, and hoping that you find a way to reconcile.
Show him no mercy.
Is that too angry? Then gently show him no mercy.
love,
D'Arcy
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.
Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!
Wow, that is sucha sad post, I feel so helpless. I could easily echo the thoughts and advice of the other vets but I won't as I have been in a similar stuation (it was my brother not my uncle) and I know how bloody hard it is to go down the police, legal route, its soul destroying. I am not meaning to discourage you from that course of action if you feel strong enough to do it.
Please be gentle on yourself, do nice things for yourself and soothe yourself (music, candles, bubble baths etc) as often as possible. It is going to be a rough ride and a tough journey but please remember we are here throughout to listen, offer advice and comfort.
All my love and hugs
Mary
xxxx
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, thats why its called the present!"
Oh hunni, I am so so proud of you, you are such an amazing person, really you are! Oh I wish I could be there right now to hold you tight. To have shared that was a huge step and I am so glad that you did. I really hope that the tears you cried from it gave you a little relief, even if only for a few minutes. You are going through such hell at the moment and you deserve to be listened to and comforted and understood. I really hope that somehow by these replies to your post you can feel a little less on your own. Lean on us if you can, this time is important to you.
I cant bear to think that this man could destroy your beautiful life and future. You cant let him win. But I know you are a stonger woman than you would have yourself believe. He is not going to break you completely. You can get through this and out the otherside. Making this post is just one of the first little steps you are taking to get back in control of your life. *huge hugs*.
What your uncle did is just evil. As some others have said, he should really be punished for what he has done and is doing. Preferably you should go to the police and finish it once and for all. But from my own experiences I know how difficult that is, especially when it comes from within the family. Dont feel pressurised to do anything, you come first. You always know though that going to the police is an option, have it in the back of your mind, use it as a weapon against him. You are more powerful than him. For me, I found that going to court was too difficult when I was really ill, but the plan is now to wait until I am more stable and then take action. You could always do the same.
You are the victim, not the cause of any of this. But please please make sure that you are going to be protected over christmas if he is going to be around. You need to let someone know that you are vulnerable and that you dont want to be anywhere near that man. I want to tell you to go and speak to your mum, show her this post.....but at the same time I realise how overwhelming that might seem. You come first though hunni, please stay safe.
As I said before your grandmas death was nothing to do with you leaving her to go shopping. It was the course of nature sweetheart. Performing CPR on her must have been so traumatic. I have never done anything like that before but I have seen my mother do it and even standing there doing nothing I felt completely scared and frightened. I cant imagine the emotion you must have gone through. You need to talk to someone about how you feel about this. I'm so glad that you have started to do so here. Then you're not alone with the flashbacks and we can all continue to remind you that it was not fault, it truely was not.
I know how it feels when you want to cut someone out of you, but like others have said, cutting only makes things more complecated, more doctors and hospitals and worry. Please please try to find some other way of releasing your pain. Keep writing here. If only you knew how great a person you are.
sending so much love and support your way.
pm me any time sweetheart
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm so sorry everyone - I didn't want to post so soon but I can't breathe, I can't stand, I'm scared to even blink incase he hears me.
He's here, he's downstairs and every sound I hear I think it's him coming up the stairs.
Mum's given him a key. God I wish I had some money for my own place so I could get out of here so fast. He can come in anytime, anytime I'm not looking - I can't eat or sleep because he could be here.
He's got a key - he can come here - he can hurt me again anytime he wants. What chance do I have?
Telling mum is useless, she didn't want kids and still doesn't - she thinks I ruined her life, so she hates me. And unfortunately that's no exaggeration, she genuinely can't stand me.
Who'd blame her.
I'm sorry for posting this it's just he's downstairs and all I can do to avoid throwing up is keep writing.
I don't know what to do.
Han7777777 is my dear RYL sister.
Ordette a.k.a prs100 is my RYL Daughter
Oh hunny *hugs you close* I am sorry, is there anyone else who you could go and stay with? Friends or anyone? Could you go out or call the police? What he did is ILLEGAL and wrong and he is sick.
You don't deserve this. You have done NOTHING to deserve this and if your mother doesn't realise that then she doesn't deserve you. Honey please take care of yourself, do anything, go anywhere just keep yourself safe. You deserve to be SAFE and happy!
*hugs*
I hope you can get away from there. You deserve to and I think you need to.
I wish I could help you from here, but I can't.
love and hugs. Protect yourself as much as possible.
D'Arcy
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.
Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!
Thank you everyone. The fact that you all care so much and want to help, gives my heart so much hope. It also makes me feel cared for and surrounded by wonderful people so thank you for that.
I hope you will forgive me but to go into what happened tonight would only be harmful for you all and I will not write anyhthing that may trigger other people - not this time - not because of him and his abuse.
If any of you have room for a frightened one - I could use a hug.
Han7777777 is my dear RYL sister.
Ordette a.k.a prs100 is my RYL Daughter
The situation you are in isn't good. Would you be able to make an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau? Perhaps due to the circumstances you could be offered housing? Or you could ask if you rented a room somewhere if you'd get Housing Benefit. It may be worth just asking, so that you can be somewhere where you feel safe.
Keep us updated, and I'll be thinking of you. I hope you can find a way to manage this awful situation.
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
oh hunni, You really shouldnt be in this position, you need to shout out, please please shout out and be heard.
you have done nothing wrong what so ever, please remember this. You are the victim. He needs to pay.
please get out of there somehow, tell someone, go stay with a friend
I want to say more, i want to take you out of there myself....please update when you can. We all care so much. I just dont know what to say that will be of any use to you, I cant be there in person to help
am sending you so many hugs
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Please, lock the door, put a chair under the knob. Take a phone into your room so you can call the police. Take a knife or a bat or club of some kind into the room with you. Is it possible for you to leave via your bedroom window?
Start documenting what he has done and what he has said! Make copies for the police, for yourself, and to put someplace safe away from your house.
Please call the police!
Lots and lots of hugs. And more hugs.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
