Triggering (SI/OD) - please help me, I can't do this anymore

[hoping_one day]

Hi guys

I'm sorry for being quiet recently, I've been struggling the most I've ever known and writing it down would only have made it real and I don't want to face that.
I'm scared, do these feeling ever go away?
I just can't go on like this.....is it so wrong just to want to be loved?

A friend hugged me today and I just collapsed in tears and the look on his face broke me.

He's the one person I think might care if I wasn't around anymore.
I can't ask him to carry me though, and I don't think I have anything left to give.
I don't even know why I'm writing this, there isn't much of a theme is there.
I'm sorry guys, I just had to know someone somewhere was there.
I don't want a bottle of pills or a blade to be my refuge.

sorry guys

[Stellata]

I understand.

I don't really want medication either, I just want someone to hold me safe... But there is noone.

[eeyore86]

Mary is shouting "I am here hun!"

Please don't hurt yourself, stay and chat, add me to MSN marypursey@yahoo.co.uk and talk things thru.

Please remember there are people here who care about you.

All my love and huggles

Mary
xxxx

[hoping_one day]

Thanks so much Mary.

I just wish all this would go away and I would do ANYTHING to make it so.
I'm so tired of waking up unable to breathe, walking through life with my heart breaking.
Recently found unable to have children and unwanted as a daughter, I don't know where to turn.
I have many fantastic friends but I would never expect them to go through this with me, instead I have to watch them cry as they see me slipping away and that breaks me in two.
I just want someone, somewhere to care if I live or die.

I can't cope

[Stellata]

*reaches out a hand for you to hold onto*

I hear how much you want to feel loved, so much so that it feels like your heart is breaking...

[Seraphsigh]

*holds in arms, cries with you*
Your friends will be your advocates and support system...that's what they are there for, so you can do that for eachother. We're here too, just not physically at the moment. Breathe, please breathe. You're are not alone and it's not your fault.

xoxoxo

[Lora]

*holds tight*
i know how you feel, i really do
but i care
keep fighting
xxx love lora xx

[hammy]

I care so much hunni. Please hold in there. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[popcorn]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I know it can be so hard, and I'm sorry that you're scared. I hope posting here and getting some nice replies has helped that a little. I do think that your bad feelings can go away... already from your other posts I've seen that there's so much good in you and that you have a lot going for you outside of your struggles. And hon, everybody wants (and needs) to be loved. It's awful to feel unloved, and I'm sorry you're feeling that way, but I bet a lot more people love and care about you than you can think of at the moment. And I bet a lot of people... kids you've worked with, people on this site, just for instance... care very much about you and would be very affected if anything were to happen to you. I think that if you can just try to hang in there and survive the rough spots, taking support when you need it, then before too long you won't need so much help and you'll be feeling better. People are there, people who are so much better than pills or a blade, and if you can do the hard part of reaching out, then they can help you and be there for you. Let us know how you are doing.

[Rain Keeper]

Your day is here.
The day you find...
Another friend...
Another hug...
Another smile...
Hope for tomorrow which is today...
Another someone to talk to...

Be safe dear,
Be safe and know today is here and it is your day to discover a new life.


Thinking of you,
Rain.

[hoping_one day]

Thank you so much everyone. Your faith in me is staggering and I wish I deserved all your kind words. For all those who have offered arms and hugs - I can't tell you how much that means to me.
Truth is, I never thought this would beat me. I always hoped I'd be stronger than it was. I stupidly thought that every time it knocked me down I'd be able to get up again.

The one person I thought understood what I was going through and wanted to help, now hasn't replied to my messages and I'm so stupid for just sitting here waiting for it. I shouldn't rely on him so much, I know that, but when you feel so desperately low - an outsrtetched hand is like a lifeline and you reach with all you've got. Now I'm afraid I've pushed him away and quite right too. He's better off without me.

I just find myself forcing myself through each new day and it's torture. I want to start living again but I'm afraid that's gone for good.
I haven't even got the courage to end it all. I care about the kids in my class, my friends too much to do that to them.
So....I'm just stuck in this hell and I think I give up.