I saw you yesterday in the car over the road from where we ate. You wanted to see me. I couldnt bare to face you.
Yes it was a long time ago. yes i had counselling to get over it. No Mother let me rephrase that for you. I had counselling so that you could apease your own guilt.
Its christmas time again. My favorite. The time of year when we remember family. ~The time of year when we remember how much family mean to us.
OOps i forgot that doesnt apply here.
NO the fact i am your only living blood relation seems to pale into insignificance. You chose your husband. Im so so glad you get to spend Christmas together now. It must have been hard this last few years with just me there and him away waiting for me to leave.
I still remember the look of sheer Terror on ******'s face. The look of horror and shock after your husband tried to molest her in the kitchen. Force himself onto your only sons girlfriend. Someone you thought of as your own daughter. What a great boxing day that was, having the memories of the terrible thing i discovered come flooding back to me.
The night i found the video he had made of me and ***** having sex. how he had edited it down to see as much of her as possible. All those nights he must have sat and masturbated over us on film.
How the years of shame i carried because of that suddenly crushed me and gave me my second breakdown and yet another depression.
Yet you chose him over me. Blood isnt thicker than water is it Mother?
You wonder why i dont talk to you now? you wonder why i was so so upset when you asked if i wanted him there last christmas. I couldnt believe you even contemplated that in the slightest.
Sure i got better quick. Sure i learned to forgive him, but for who mother? For me? Was it for the good of me? NO it was for you wasnt it. so that you could live with your ****ing guilt. so that you could carry on as if it were not real.
You have hurt me more than that ****ing bastard ever could. All those years of his snears and looks. HIs unwelcoming attitude and his drinking and abusive way. Sure they damaged me. Stole any ounce of confidence i had or self belief. but you crushed me. you destroyed my faith in love and family.
**** you Mother. **** you!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
You've had a time of it, haven't you? I'm sorry that had to happen, but happy that you are an obviously strong person who knows who he is.
*hugs*
Keep fighting.
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.
Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!
Hiya Matt,
I understand. I'm separating from my parents and sister and creating my own family out of real friends. My mother still corrects me and argues with me and chews me out about events 20 years in the past. I said to someone that doing this is like removing a limb and they said it is like removing a cancer. Only I have to do it myself and I have to do it without anesthesia!
It's okay to talk about how much family means to us or doesn't. Last time I spent Christmas with my parents, my mother chewed me out for wearing shorts. Well, I'd planned to dress in a skirt but the day before I'd fallen off a horse and had a bruise the size of my hand on my rear so was moving awkwardly. Somehow I thought wearing shorts was better than flashing my bloomers!
So this year one of my friends reminded me that I chose my family and that is my husband. My husband and I may have bagels and peanut butter for our Christmas Dinner while we are exploring and photographing ghost towns in New Mexico. My husband is my best friend. I hope to be dressed in jeans and a long sleeve shirt and athletic shoes. It may feel weird creating our own traditions. Doing new things is weird.
I wish i could say that Christmas is just another day but it is a day full of expectations. It is awesome to see you working on and venting this stuff.
You can choose who your friends are. You can decide who you want to be with, who you trust and who love. Don't let guilt do it for you.
Keep fighting for yourself. Take care of yourself.
Offering you a hanky
and of course hugs,
Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Wow that's horrible that you had to go through that. But the point is that you made it through, and I think you're a really strong person because of that. I hope you can find some people to be with during the holidays and the rest of the year, who will make you happy and not hurt you. *hugs*
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
Thank you. Yeah im at my Fathers this year. Its very christmassy here. Its rather OTT but its kinda nice too at the same time. Im sure it will be fine.
I just needed to get it out.
No point in going on about it. Ive mentioned it all before. It was no biggie talkin bout it. Whats done is done. The bridge although repairable will never be the same again.
thanks again.
Matthew x
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Hugs Mate
please know that i care about you and im thinking about you matthew, that was very brave of you my friend to post please stay strong.
Im sorry im not around vets mate i hide alot at the moment but i wanted you to know i care look after yourself my penguin friend
Dave
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
