How long until everyone leaves me to suffer alone? How many times can I let my family down before they give up on me? How many times can I complain to my best friend about my mental health issues before she gets fed up and stops talking to me? How many times can my psychiatrist increase or change my meds before he tells me that the meds aren't the problem, I am? How many times can I bounce back from a deep depression before I fall down that one last time and never get back up? How many times can I promise everyone that I won't attempt suicide again before I see no other way, and not only attempt it, but succeed? How long before everyone, myself included, realizes that I'm never going to get better? That I'm never going to quit cutting, or lying, or breaking promises? That I'm never going to stop being a selfish horrible person who makes other people deal with my problems? How long will it be? I'm afraid to find out.
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
I've just come from a year and a half where you are. I'm starting to see the light again but have awful times too.
Your therapist won't wear out. It has taken 1.5 years of trial and error to figure out the meds and since my hands are shaking i'm not sure that there won't be more changes.
You're not horrible. You're not selfish. Clinical depression is a medical condition. Would you beat yourself up if you had diabedes? They're both problems with the chemistry of the body.
Are you waiting for "better" or "cured." I don't know that a cure is possible. I think it is an ongoing job to take care of ourselves and be better. And some days will by their nature be worse.
OMG, I sound like a teacher.
Take care of yourself,
Starting with a blondiebear hug.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Thanks for the hug and advice. Umm I know that "cured" is not going to happen, I think I would just be happy with "better". I mean, my depression used to go in a cycle, there would be good periods alternating with bad periods. But I seem to be stuck in a permanent bad period now, it just doesn't seem like it's going to end this time. So yeah I just wanted to clarify that. Thanks again.
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
I'm sorry that all these thoughts are running round your head at the moment. I often feel similar, when will it stop, when will things finally be stable......but there will be an end to it, and thats what we have to focus on.
much love and supportive hugs your way
xxx
oh i'm sorry that was really rubbish reply i typed, sorry. hope you're ok
As you said, you gett better inbetween. Its those times you need to hold onto. Its hard when you get worse an you hit a low, but try to remember that its nt forever, is temporay.
You have the help and support there. Those people care about you. Do not underesimate that. they will always b there for you. And im sure that they dont view it as letting them down.
i dont have an answer to your questions, only you have those but i do have an ear to listen to you with a hand for you to hold and a big hug. you aren't alone here x
If I pretended I was blind
And struck it from my mind
Would it still be there?
What if I'd do anything
To make it seem all right
I finally got Lei'd in Vets....It was an enjoyable experience!
Thanks for all the advice and support everyone, that means a lot. And yes, deep down, I know some of those things that you guys said. It's just hard to remember sometimes when I feel really bad. And I think it's because I have those people supporting me that I keep freaking out about what would happen if I didn't have them. (Sorry if that doesn't make sense.)
And hammy, that wasn't a rubbish reply, it's always good to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
