confused...do you ever want to start again?

xcatalystx · 04-12-2007, 02:06 AM

hey everyone!

i haven't cut in a long time. probably over 300 days. i lost count after 250, and that was a few months ago. i'm really proud of it. and i've been doing well. great at some times, others it's been tough.

last week, i was just really stressed, and a few times i considered starting again. i was so triggered, over nothing. and i realized i've come too far to go back to that, and i don't need it anymore. i never got to the point of doing anything. but the other day, i got in an argument with my best friend/boyfriend? and i ended up telling him that i really need him right now... (i'm usually independent, i am not good at admitting i need anyone...) and know he's really worried about me, and if i'm ready to be his girlfriend again or not. but i really am ok. i just had a rough week... has that ever happened to any of you? almost gone back to bad habits?

i dont know what to think. i'm not willing to throw away how far i've come. but i dont want him to be so worried about me. it kills him, and he's been with me through EVERYTHING. am i really all messed up again? have i really gone nowhere, and just thought i did? am i really not as strong as i was starting to think i was? am i really just a failure? i'm so confused...please, anyone who can giver some advice, it would be much appreciated...

Stay strong and keep your heads held high!
~cat

Amaryllis · 04-12-2007, 02:24 AM

Yes, I really want to start again.

butterfly525 · 04-12-2007, 02:41 AM

I can't really say anything about wanting to start again, since I haven't stopped, but let me just say this. You seem like a really strong person to me, and you are definitely not a failure. It's great that you were so triggered but you didn't cut, you stayed strong. And it's great that you were able to admit to your friend/bf that you need him- you don't have to deal with everything alone and I'm sure he won't mind helping you if he really cares about you. So despite what you think, it sounds to me like you are headed in the right direction, and I hope you can continue to be just as strong in the future. *hugs*

blondiebear · 04-12-2007, 04:46 AM

Even if you do SI, the way you've thought about it and reached out for help shows you're reaching for recovery.
hugs

Seraphsigh · 04-12-2007, 06:01 AM

Stay strong...you're doing so well!
I am so proud of you for being free for that long...I hope I can do that sometime soon. It seems like you've got your head in the right place...and, of course, we're always here...

D'Arcy

xcatalystx · 10-12-2007, 01:38 AM

thank to everyone who read or posted. i reallly appreciate it. i hope you all beat this soon as well. it's just so hard some days. i really don't understand it.

Keep your heads up high and stay strong!
xoxo
cat

popcorn · 10-12-2007, 02:44 AM

Congratulations on staying safe for so long. I'd say that clearly indicates that you have come a long way. I think it is common to have ups and downs though, and when you have a feeling (like wanting to hurt yourself) that you had a long time ago in your 'journey' (that sounds kind of hokey but oh well), it's easy to *feel* like you are back there and haven't made any progress, gotten better, become stronger, etc. But I really think it is normal and to be expected. Recovery can move in a generally upward direction, but with temporary dips along the way, you know? But you're not where you were a year ago... you're the person who's gone almost a year without SI, and who's currently having a bit of a struggle. I think you can get through this tough time without hurting yourself, but even if/when you do slip up, it doesn't erase all the progress you made.

Lora · 10-12-2007, 10:01 PM

i feel like that everyday hun, i still have to fight not to cut
but youve come so far and you are NOT a failure
i am so proud of you 300 days is amazing and inspiring
you CAN keep going you really can
and im here anytime you want to talk, pm me anytime hun
love lora xxxx

hammy · 11-12-2007, 08:33 AM

Hello

I know how it feels when you are really triggered and just need to cut. But you didnt cut, you should be so proud of yourself. Like others have said you are reaching out for help and for that too you should be proud, especially if your someone who finds it hard to ask for that kind of stuff.

sending you a big

and a hug.

xxx

Points of Authority · 12-12-2007, 03:14 AM

good job sweetheart. keep it up. i know it is terribly hard. but you have already proved how strong you are. every day you go without cutting, you get stronger and stronger. it's great that you have reached out to this site for help, and that you posted here before taking drastic actions. if you need/want to talk. feel free to PM me, alright?

*hugs*
-points

xcatalystx · 18-12-2007, 12:26 AM

wow. i never thought i'd get so many replies for one post. thank you all for replying, i am truly grateful, and i appreciate it soooo much. as many of you said, the feeling passed, so i'm back on track. i decided to count how long its been...i had thought around 300 days, as i said in my post. But actually i've been 1 year and 76 days today. i honestly can't believe it. but anyways, thank you everyone for reading and/or replying. if you ever need any help, i'd be glad to return the favor!

stay strong!
~cat