I'm stupid, so ****ing stupid. I had been SI free for a little over a year...just threw that down the toilet. I cut tonight, just a few minutes ago. It's not bad, certainly not as bad as before but it's still a huge disappointment. I'm so angry at myself for this. It just kind of happened, I felt I had no choice. I felt backed into a corner and I just did it, that fast, and it was over. Now comes the shame part. The "Ihatemyself" mood. I was shaking, wanting to throw things, hyperventilating, choking...the only thing I knew would make all that stop was to cut, so I did. I really didn't know what else I could have done.
I don't know what I want to get out of this thread. It'll probably go ignored but still I wanted to get it out because it's not like I can go around talking to people about it and it's not like anyone will give a damn. My boyfriend knows and I believe he cares...but he kind of caused it, or rather was the one that backed me up into a corner so I can't really talk about it with him.
A whole year...I seriously am the dumbest person ever. I'm so disappointed in my self I don't even care to start the countdown again. What's the point?
Sorry.
I just realized I've literaly made myself sick. I feel so dizzy and nauseous.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
*Huge hugs*
Hun I know its hard but try not to beat yourself up over this. Slip-ups are part of recovery and it doesn't mean we have failed it just makes us human. Be proud of yourself for coming this far, just over a year is an amazing thing and something you should be proud of yourself for. Please don't let a slip up discourage you from recovery, the fact that you went so long last time shows you have the strength to keep going. Just take things one step at a time and you will get there. Take care of yourself
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Like what...you don't deserve understanding?
You si the same way I do, in the thick of things, impulsively, when things are unbearable, as a way of making what is intolerable emotionally into something physical.
I had three years free of SI when I started again last December. I'm sad about the time I lost. I'm accepting of it too.
Don't worry about counting. Make a note of the event on a calendar or in your journal. Then start taking care of the reasons you felt cornered and trapped.
Please be good to yourself.
Offering a bandage if you need it and a hug,
Blondie-susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Thank you so much, both.
I'm just afraid of taking space here when I feel I don't really deserve it.
Yeah Blondie, it just became too much, I thought I was dying...I needed to calm myself somehow.
Could I have made myself sick with crying and breathing hard and stuff? 'cause I'm all of a sudden so sick, my stomach and my head are killing me.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
You could very well be physically ill because of your emotions and feeling trapped.
I get sick because of emotional things a lot. Last time I had a bad cold it was not long after I had a parting of the ways with a family member. The last time i had pneumonia was after an argument with my sister in law over the safety of her grandchild.
Why don't you deserve space here?
Try to relax and sleep (don't know what time zone you're in ) and please let us know how you're doing.
Hugs, Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Oh I'm so, so sorry that you're beating yourself up over this. You DEFINITELY don't deserve to feel this way. But you do deserve to "take up space" here. Lord, if you don't deserve it then I definitely don't, so please don't prove me right ;).
Anyway, I can't offer you much but lots of hugs and virtual snuggles. Feel better and just know that all of us have been there, and a slip-up is just part of the journey. If any of us were perfect, we wouldn't need to be here!
Much love, take care.
D'Arcy
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.
Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!
Thanx, I feel better now just a bit sore and nervous.
Thank you.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
I'm sorry you feel so bad about si'ing. I think the fact that you went one year is amazing. I think si is deep in our minds and comes up when there's nothing else to do.
I'm glad you're feeling a little better now. I'm glad you wrote. You deserve to take up space.
