calm before the storm (SU trig)

zombiehunter · 08-04-2016, 08:43 PM

so I've been doing quite well recently. I'm about the fourth and final module of a counselling skills course, I've been off my meds for almost a year and also managed nearly two years without self harm (I don't keep a exact count of how long I go without SH or meds that way if I'm not putting pressure on myself to stop and also don't feel too bad if I do slip up so I just keep a general count hence "almost".... etc).

This is a milestone I've been at before in the 2010-12 period until I hit rock bottom again and started cutting and quite literally had a plan and a date set to end it all, I asked for help back then before it got to that stage and I've been plodding along since, and although I am doing well sometimes my mood dips I had a wee slump over the new year there which is to be expected as I usually do around then but sometimes I get really big dips in my mood and I can feel it coming, I can feel a major dip coming right now I don't know when it'll kick in and I can only fight it off for so long but when it comes it comes, I suppose I always get like this when it's coming up to my birthday and plus coming up to that milestone I've been at without meds and SH before I suppose it's kinda scary going beyond that.

I haven't had ay urges to SH again but I do find myself thinking about suicide a lot lately and thinking about putting the plan I made into action again, basically it involves me going to a remote and isolated place and ODing and I'm finding myself thinking about locations and stuff again even though I know I cant act on the plan cos I keep thinking about the affect this would have on my family and friends but the temptation is still there and I'm worried that if I am on the verge of an extreme dip I my mood how far I will go but I keep reminding myself of the effect ending it all would have, especially on my granny who has Alzheimer's which affects her short term memory, the thought of my mum going there and my granny asking her where I am and my mum having to explain to her I'm dead again and again really freaks me out and upsets me, then there's my wee niece and nephew who are really young and I don't want my death to be the first major death in the family that they experience.

I honestly don't know where I am going with all this but I just had to get that off my chest.

Aubergine · 08-04-2016, 08:50 PM

Hey Zombie.

I'm really glad that you've been able to post. I hope it's helped a bit to get things out there and off of your chest.

You said you were able to get help before. Do you think that's something that you could do again? Perhaps catching it early will prevent a larger dip in mood than you can cope with. Suicidal thoughts are a pretty big indicator that things are not right and you should be able to get support with them.

Keep thinking of your family. I know it's hard, but if they're a protective factor at the moment then that's a good thing.

zombiehunter · 08-04-2016, 08:56 PM

well the last time I got help in 2012 I was referred to the place I'd been before for group therapy but they told me I was too old for the groups I'd been on before and too young for the adult groups, they did however refer me to a place which hooked me up with a drop in centre but I had to stop going cos after a while they brung in this self directed support thing I ended up at centre at the local psych hospital but they told me it was only for people who are in crisis or "chronically mentally ill". I suppose it meant I had to really rely on myself this time around to get me through that last bout of depression but some proper help would have been nice too and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do this time around I will keep ding my course until it finishes then take it from there I suppose.

Aubergine · 08-04-2016, 09:01 PM

Are you doing your course through a college? They usually offer counselling services. Is that something you'd consider?

zombiehunter · 08-04-2016, 09:03 PM

no it's not at a college, ironically it's at a privately run therapy centre, it costs money to get counselling there though plus I don't want the trainers to know what I'm feeling right now I don't want to **** up when I'm so close to finishing and passing the course

Aubergine · 08-04-2016, 09:07 PM

That's understandable. You're doing really well with the course. :)

Do you think you would be old enough for the adult groups at the place you went to in 2012? Can you remember how old you had to be?

You don't deserve to struggle with this alone.

Patch. · 08-04-2016, 09:53 PM

Can you go to your gp? It may he you need a bit of extra support while you're feeling rubbish and your gp will be able to help you access it. Sorry you're feeling low. Here for you

zombiehunter · 09-04-2016, 01:08 PM

to be honest I think my GP would just put me on the meds I've been on before and then refer me to places I have been to before and they will just turn me away again, I think if I'm going to self destruct then I need to let it run it's course, I have to admit I'm feeling lower today and I've had urges to SH again too.