* Naming suicide and mental illness

[bitomato]

Right now I am struggling because I seldom tell people how my friend died.
I really need to process it, and I feel that because I'm so used to secrets I give things more power than I should.

I attended a presentation where persons were very public with their physical illnesses. I felt that if only I could be more open myself about my experiences I would feel less burdened by what I have been through.

However, over the past few weeks I have been struggling to go into hospital, and not been successful. I assume because it is a mental health challenge- others do not see the seriousness of what I am experiencing. Alternatively, I have been very sick with my diabetes- and for that going to hospital has been more of an option.

I know that I am suicidal, and that I am very alone, with limited support.
I am trying to pace myself- but the level of depression is fairly high. Others are not very sympathetic and when I am overwhelmed I am very afraid.

[Straight 3]

I am sorry for how your friend died. Regrettably, the old quote "Time Heals All Wounds" can feel like an eternity. I know you will process your friends death and become stronger, and (hopeful) open up better to others about serious things like this; it won't be easy.

If you could go see a doctor rather than go to a hospital right away, you might have better luck with your Diabetes, since hospitals do have that tendency to focus on your mind. With that said, you must seek help if you are in crisis, because your friend wouldn't want you to follow them.

Don't give up - Your life IS worth it!

I wish you the best.

[bitomato]

I had a really good day yesterday re: my sugar levels- but I am having serious concerns about finances and anxiety, so it went bad by today. I was ill all day with upset stomach.

I was working 6 jobs at one point- and established that I cannot cope with that again.
However, in this one week- I've committed to 4 (two which do not pay). There will be two more before the end of the month. I spoke to my GP about not continuing but others do not seem to think I do alot even though they are not able to do what I do for very long
I told one of my employers about the diabetes. I can see it in my thought patterns where I am struggling to focus and anxious about exercise. I am managing one task a day and not feeling accomplished by it.

I keep wanting to be public about my struggles, realising that others seem to set limits on what they take on- as my concern is that I am really not well and not getting the support I need. An example is someone calling me before 7am today and having to have a heated discourse with this person- to the extent that they get what they want, but my adrenaline was through the roof and my day off to a bad start. Prior to this, I was not answering my phone as I was trying to rest for the past few weeks. My memory was letting me down, and I forget things days after. I talked to someone about it, but it generally feels like all the bad stuff washes into my drinking pool.

I need help.

[bitomato]

I have flashbacks about my friend everyday. I have PTSD, anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation everyday. But I am surviving.
I want to share what I am going through, but I am afraid I will ruin my hopes even more than they are already complicated if I do.
My GP/ shrink seem to think that I am ok to work- even though I feel like my head is exploding and I need to be in hospital.
I keep having to choose between being manipulated by family, running out of money for treatment, and now dropping out of University because I need money for health care. Mainly because I am doing a training course right now and I keep getting overwhelmed, so I do not think I will be up to doing the course work at University. I feel trapped. Like I cannot come out as bipolar or my world will just be that much more smaller.

[bitomato]

Had a conversation with a friend about the fact that I have a mental health challenge not really being relevant in the work that I do. I let my health care team know that I am working wherever, and have spoken to them about stopping work because I am not fit- and they seem to think it is not necessary.
The annoying thing, is that say my training/ experience would qualify me to work at A class level, but I only get paid for C-D level work because I cannot get a job in my appropriate qualification level or complete further studies. It is a vicious cycle, because a better job would mean I could afford schooling and medication.
Instead, I currently work for my family- essentially for free- because I need housing and emergency support. I work a multitude of odd jobs - and in all of them, persons marvel at what I do, the training I have (being over qualified) and how well I appear to be coping with my current (known) challenges- i.e. friend's death and diabetes.

I really think that having the public acknowledgement as a person who is a suicide survivor and mental health service user is powerful, but it feels like it is also embarrassment to family and friends- forcing employers to think can you really do your job, are you a danger to clients etc?

Is this urge to be free of toxic people more self sabotage? Because, I already know there is stigma and bias. I face discrimination and difficulty just being me. My family, and certain people in my life are necessary supports- even if they failed being there for me in my last crucial low point. That is part of the reason I feel it would be so empowering to be public and vocal about my challenges.

However, why look for enemies when you have no friends able to offer support?

[stumpy]

I totally empathise, I have been in much the same boat, have been through friend bereavements through suicide, not being able to afford course fees to further my education, lack of understanding and support from family and friends, and the frustration of wanting to be free of toxic people.

I just wanted you to know your not alone, sometimes I feel life is broken beyond repair, like the whole system can never be fixed, and feel suicidal, like I'd be better off dead, get kicked when I'm down, as hard as I try to get up I get pushed even further down than I ever imagined could happen, but please don't give up, lets keep up this fight, we can fight this together :)

I'm here if you want to talk :)

[bitomato]

Thanks. Today was rough. I put myself in a couple potentially dangerous situations. I almost disclosed to my partner's family re: my MH dx but I kept hearing him say not to disclose in my ear.

I am in this really unhealthy cycle of being overwhelmed by too much work.
I want to quit and just walk away.