So I've been cutting and bruising (stopped bruising half a year ago) for the last three years. And I've finally opened up about it to my most trusty friends, turns out that they've tried cutting too. But they cut to cope with life and get temporary release. I don't. Never have. That is why I used to bruise, but for sure, definitely not why I cut.
I cut because I feel guilty for not helping people. For not being there for people. For not being able to save the people that I can see the pain in their eyes. I hate cutting. It's torture. Simply painful, yet, I do it because I feel like I deserve it for not being the best and saving every soul I can. It gives me utterly no release, and I'm not addicted. I can stop for months, with no cravings or anything like that, and then I see someone in pain, try to help and they push me off. Then that happens.
I haven't found anyone IRL or online that does it for the reasons I do. It drives me insane. I'm a proud supporter of the Hopeful Notes (you may have to google that to know what I'm rambling about) at my school, leaving notes everywhere, currently totaling over 1,500. That gives me release. Every time someone finds out that I am the person flooding school with nice notes, and they come up and say "Oh, it made me so happy" or that they think it's the best thing on earth, it just.. yeah. You should all know the feeling.
My point is, do any of you guys cut or harm for this reason? Endure the pain because you can't help others? Why do you cut? Any other reasons other than release?
I don't think your weird at all, people harm themselves for all different reasons. It is not always just to feel a release. For me personally I cut for a number of different reasons sometimes it is for a release, other times it is just to feel something, then other times it is to punish myself. Have you ever spoken to anyone about your reasons behind cutting yourself? If not it might help to explore with someone why you feel so guilty and better ways to deal with those difficult feelings. Take care
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I don't think your weird at all, people harm themselves for all different reasons. It is not always just to feel a release. For me personally I cut for a number of different reasons sometimes it is for a release, other times it is just to feel something, then other times it is to punish myself. Have you ever spoken to anyone about your reasons behind cutting yourself? If not it might help to explore with someone why you feel so guilty and better ways to deal with those difficult feelings. Take care
No, I've never spoken to anyone about this. One of my friends has been kind of worried and spoken to the counselor about me. No names, of course. But maybe I should speak to the counselor? Is that ... safe? Or is it better to talk to a friend, though I'm worried I may turn them into depressionists, too..?
Thanks for the nice message. You also take care. (:
Like Kat said, everybody cuts for different reason, and each time you harm the reason behind it might be different. When I used to cut it was for many reasons, the main ones being needing a release, feeling like I was a bad person and that I needed punishing (like you), wanting to be able to feel something, and overall just putting what was inside on the outside.
Talking to your friends isn't going to give them depression, so don't worry! They'll probably worry and want to help you, but don't feel like you can't talk to them. A counsellor is also a really good idea though as they can offer impartial advice and coping techniques without being emotionally invested in the situation, and they're also trained to deal with this stuff too.
I don't think that you're strange at all. As previously said, everyone has different reasons for resorting to injuring themselves. Personally, I have, in the past, hurt myself to punish myself for varying reasons, you aren't alone. You must remember that one person alone cannot save the world - it is a wonderful thing that you care so much and want to help, but it is not your responsibility. When someone doesn't want to accept support at that time in their situation, it isn't because you've done something wrong.
I think it would be a good idea to talk to a councellor about this, they may be able to help you talk through your feelings and find a different path to dealing with them without having to harm yourself. You sound like a very caring and emotionally generous person, but you must remember to take care of yourself too. Talking to your friends will not cause them depression. Yes, they may worry about you, but worrying is a perfectly natural result of caring about someone.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
I don't think that is a strange reason at all. As has been said, there are many different reasons for people self harming and I can relate to feeling bad because you're not able to help people.
Talking with a counsellor sounds like it would be a good idea.
Hopeful Notes sounds like a lovely thing to do and I'm sure you have brightened so many people's days through it.
I agree with what everyone else has said. Like you, I cut and bruise (bruised mostly for a while, started cutting again recently.)
Your reasons for self-injury aren't strange. I know where you're coming from. I often harm over guilt over not being able to help people. I am angry at myself for not knowing what to say, and thinking I should. Or when I am trying my best to support someone and they throw it in my face. Those times I injure out of frustration.
Sometimes, I get so angry at myself for not saying something stupid while trying to help someone, that the only way to get relief was to harm.
I cut or bruise when all those feelings build to a boiling point. I've cut or bruised to punish myself.
I bruise because no matter what I do (or don't do) it's never enough for some people, and they find something about me to criticize.
For me, bruising or cutting is my way of putting what is inside on the outside like Malison said.
I hope my answer helps you. :)
Last edited by Celticroots : 12-01-2014 at 10:57 PM.
