I feel so alone

sbless · 22-10-2013, 08:03 AM

So, I started cutting at the age of 14. I have had two long recovery periods [one was 1 1/2 years and one was 2 1/2 years] and back in July I broke that 2 1/2 years after I had a really bad patch of depression after my miscarriage. I have been in therapy on and off for about 6 years. I am going weekly right now. I just recently had another miscarriage and ended up in the ER with hemorrhaging that had I taken the on call doctor's advice and just ridden it out, I may have no made it.

In this, I feel so alone. I have always been the person with the most off the wall or taboo issues. Being adopted, living in a house of a hoarder before hoarding had a name, self injury, finding out my biological mom was my legal sister, having to repeat my senior year of high school, worked full time from the time I was 16 to hand every sent over to my hoarder/alcoholic mother. Now? It's the recurrent miscarriages.

After I got married and we had our son, I felt like life was normal. I had cut my family out of my life for the most part and everything was perfect. Until we started trying for another baby. Almost a year of trying we got pregnant and miscarried. Over the next 2 years we would lose a total of 7... My husband has a chromosome issue, so it's really just a luck of the draw on whether or not our baby is okay or not. 70% of our pregnancies statistically will end in miscarriage. It's obviously been more than that by the numbers. We lost them to Trisomy 13 and 14, which are what chromosomes of his are affected. It has no affect on his health except during conception of children.

Anyways, I feel so alone. I have groups on Facebook that deal with miscarriage and trying to have kids... but nothing feels like a 100% fit. This chromosome issue affects 1/500 people, so it's not something you hear about all the time. It isn't considered "infertility" because we get pregnant.

I have slipped up a few more times in the last few weeks. My husband doesn't know, I don't want to hurt him.

I don't know what I am even looking for... I guess somewhere to get it all out :/

susieannah · 22-10-2013, 08:33 AM

You have so much going on, and have done for so long, I can understand why you are feeling so bad *hugs*

Is your current therapist and type of therapy a good fit for you? Do you feel it is helping at all?

I don't have any great advice at the moment, but I wanted you to know that I've read this and am thinking of you.

sbless · 22-10-2013, 03:47 PM

Yes, My therapist is awesome. I have been seeing her for over three years and I have come a LONG way. I just hate the alone feeling. I have lost a lot of people in my life since my miscarriages. They don't understand how much I want another child and how losing my babies isn't just another day in my life. That it kills me inside.

Tan.D · 22-10-2013, 03:57 PM

I haven't gotten much advice either, but *hugs tightly* You seriously are so damn strong. I just really really wanted to give you a hug because I can relate to having that feeling 24/7 and it's horrible, and you've made it this far and kudos to you for that.