dont know what to do anymore..

[JessicaRabit]

ok, where do i start! im new btw, so im not to sure how to work this..

OK so ive had depression for a long time, and also self harm.. im 18 and feel terribly lonely and feel like so close to just ending it all.. i hate my weight, im 5'7 and skinny, (even though people tell me im not, and some people tell me to put weight on) which is weird i dont know who to belive, i went to the shop today and the man in the shop said i need to put weight on, i went home told my cousin what he had said and he said dont take no notice, but i dont know who to belive, i dont know whether i have like body disformia or whatever you call it... or if its just me??? i hate being me and i feel trapped in my own body, (this also makes me so depressed) im unemployed and seeking work, so this means im sitting in.. with no money.. i havent self harmed in about 3 weeks which is awesome, but i feel like cutting SO baddd just to ease the pain.. i also feel like i need someone, like, a boyfriend... i dont know why, im constantly thinking about love everyday lol its nuts!! but then when in do meet someone(in the past) i have extreme paranoia and justthink their out to get me.. i just feel like a mental case, i dont have many friends, i have my twin sis and my 1 bestfriend.. somi dont get to talk to people in the same posision as me, i feel like a freak!!! i need help, i need to talk to someone..

[Yenevoc]

Welcome to RYL! I'm sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment but for not self harming. I know it is really hard not to when you are struggling. Hang in there.

I think it's totally normal to want to be loved and to give love. It may not have always gone well in the past but you can still find what you are looking for in the future. It's great that you have support from your best friend and your family but it's also good that you want to meet new people.

You are not a freak. You are struggling and trying really hard to cope in a healthy way and I admire you for that.

[JessicaRabit]

thanks for posting, well ive just broken the 3 weeks no cutting, was triggerd off, may i ask why your on the forum.. and nope, this is why im on here, i dont speal to ANYONE so yeah, thanks for reply man..

[Phells]

Welcome to RYL Jessica!
Why are you not happy about your weight? Do you think you need to put on weight? As long as you're eating healthily, you should try to focus on whether or not you're happy with your body, not what others think of it. There will always be someone who thinks you're too skinny or weigh to much. But that's their problem! Try to focus not so much on your weight but how healthy you're being, maybe?
Is there some way you can fill your time? Maybe by volunteering or taking part in community activities or anything to get you out of the house? Even something as small as going for a walk?
I can relate to wanting a relationship but having trouble with paranoia, I understand it's hard, I've been thinking for me personally, maybe I've gotten into relationships to fast and need to start the relationship without the romantic pressure and vulnerability, if that makes sense.
Congrats on three weeks anyway! That's still a good achievement. You're definitely not a freak.

Feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk and I hope RYL can help make you feel better and less alone!

[baggyjeans]

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed and self harming. It can be very lonely being out of work and having very little money. I think it would be good for you to meet people who you can talk to. Do you have mind in your area? Often they run social events. Or even find out if they do any other things in your area like free art classes etc. It would be a good way to meet people and you might even find a boyfriend! If you really want to find love, there are always dating websites but be careful. Don't rush into anything. You are still very young. I didn't find love till 9 years after you! Also perhaps it would be worth visiting your gp. Tell him
you're depressed and self harming. You could also them to weigh you and tell you your BMI and whether you're a healthy weight. Then you'll know for sure whether you're underweight. Good luck! X