I am almost looking for a way to be different or to be abusive to myself. I do not understand why. I have tried cutting and hair pulling. Now I am looking into eating disorders, binge eating and purging. I binge eat all the time. I did not realize it was called binge eating until today.
I have bad self esteem and normally feel disgusted with my body. I feel fat and broken. It is not just the physical part of me that I hate. I think the mental part of my illness grosses me out worse. I do not feel physical hunger but I eat because it makes me feel better or fills the void in my life.
I enjoy the temporary relief from life no matter how short it may be. This may be the only way I get a sense of pleasure. I do not feel emotions on a regular basis. I have only purged once but, i feel like doing it now. I will not but, I feel like I could easily throw up. Instead of purging I will go to bed.
