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Accepting that I have a problem
This morning I came face to face with my trigger.
I cannot deny any longer that i have a eating disorder, although i'm 21 now and i've been struggling with my self-image issues since before turning my father in to prison at 14.
I have a really long story but i will try to get to where I am now.
My father was addicted to pornography, all kinds including children, it was always sickening to me as a child i was incredibly uncomfortable being forced to watch it at such a young age. After i couldn't live with myself any longer and being suicidal at 13 i decided to tell my mother about what was going on and throughout the next year my father was incarcerated as a leader of a child pornography ring on over ten counts and sentenced to 92 years..... you can only imagine what growing up has been like, i no longer feel guilt towards turning my father in because of how many other children i saved but...
my love life has been so far from ideal.... but now:
I am engaged to a wonderful guy that is more of a man than any guy has ever shown me, he's cared for me, hasn't turned his back on me, always been there and is really the first guy i feel like i can trust.. but he admitted when we were first together that his father is addicted to porn also, and in the long run he has an enormous porn collection.
our relationship is wonderful our love life is wonderful.. at least i thought so.. but when i started finding porn i stopped eating and started puking..
he swears he hasn't looked at porn and whatever porn i find is his fathers but i highly doubt it, after all he is a man (i dont want to hear about how HES A MAN ITS NATURAL) i honestly dont care. the bottom line is i'd rather be single than to be married and my husband want to bang someone else or being cheated on and thats my ultimate fear is that i'm being played a complete fool. i think of him jerking off to these videos or thinking of them when we're making love and i puke. i think of these big breasted girls and i puke, i'm doing it to myself, i make myself a skeleton while i cry because i'm not a porn star.
this morning i found dvd a 30 second clip of what looked like a home adult video of a guy and a girl with dark hair and i dont know if its my fiancee or not, i've been stressed with debt work bills getting OUR life together and cleaning his parents house and doing his laundry all the time.. i just can't take it i feel like honestly giving up!!!! i feel suicidal all over again but i know he loves me. will i ever be happy?
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