Hey,
I am sorry to hear you have been struggling and that this reply is probably a little late in terms of helping you through the crisis of last night. How are you feeling today? I hope you managed to get through the night without self harming but if you didn't, please don't panic.
It can be very difficult with parents. I argue a lot with my Mum and I think we both say things that we indiviually think probably don't hurt all that much but certainly for me, I find it really painful and I also get triggered and often want to hurt myself as a result of the arguments. It sounds like something you may need to tackle with your Mum if it is an on-going problem. Obviously within families there are always going to be arguments but this sounds like it happens a lot, and with pretty big consequences. I would suggest that you do speak to your Mum about it but not during an argument, or close to an argument and I would also have a think about where the best place would be for this discussion to take place. Talking about it at home may not be ideal because it is not neutral ground and could lead to an argument, so maybe there is a quiet coffee shop you could go too that you would both feel comfortable in? Or anything really, for me, I find it helpful to talk to my Mum when we are out for a drive or a walk. Before you raise the topic, have a think about what you would like to get from this discussion. Try and stick to the facts and the consequences as you see them but if you can, adopt a non-judgemental approach. You don't want to push your Mums buttons and end up arguing. If you can, try and listen to what your Mum has to say. You are both adults and hopefully you can move forward with this.
I can understand the temptation of thinking "just one little cut" but I expect in reality you know that it doesn't work out that way, and one little cut can lead too much more. It also starts a cycle that you don't want to get caught in. If you lie this once, you may be tempted to lie again. However, I can appreciate that it isn't easy to just not cut ~ if only it was that simple! Is your boyfriend supportive of your self harm or is it something that he quite angry about? I know you spoke of him leaving you if you cut, but is that something you feel or is it something that has been stated by him? Sometimes when we are very emotional, we can build things up in our mind and kind of catastrophise.
I'm sorry you are feeling so low that you wish you hadn't been born. I am sure you are a very special person, well everybody is special and unique. You clearly have a boyfriend that cares about you and even though you and your Mum argue, I am sure she loves you very much. It sounds like you have an awful lot going on right now but it won't always be this way.
I hope my reply has been of some help. I'm new to vets and not 100% sure what people look for here but yes, I hope it's okay and that you haven't found me patronising etc.
x
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