I am feeling disgusting. I am disgusting. Everything about me is wrong, and what do I do, I just make it worse. WHy do I do this? It feels so right in the moment, I don't care about anything or anyone else. Now I face my wounds...look death in the face... I regret all the wrong I've done. I want to die, but I can't die knowing the disgusting taste I will leave in the mouths of those around me. I can't leave and have my secrets burried with me. MY husband deserves more than I could ever give him. BUt I can't tell him the truth, he will leave me. I can't lie, I can't tell the truth. I can't do anyhting. No matter what I do, I am still disgusting. SIck, wrong, bad. I was before, I tried to fix myself, now I am rotting. I am contagious. Everything that touches me will die. I cannot do this.. I want to not exist, I want to die. But if I die, I will only show them how aweful I am. I just need to be locked up, forever. Never to let the light shine on my face again. If they never would have known me, they would be better off. I am sick, I am disgusting. I can't fix me.
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
What is it about you that you think is disgusting? I will say that I doubt very much that you are in any way shape or form disgusting, so I am wondering what has led you to think that you are.
*safe hugs*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I can't describe the exact reasons... I don't even understand it. I just know how my gut feels. Sick.. Like I did something really wrong. Like I am aweful. The fact that I just can't get it right doesn't help. I just keep hurting people. Lying. Keeping secrets. Destroying everything I touch. I make promises, I break them. Because, in the moment, I don't care what anyone else thinks, I don't care if I'm hurting them. I just want my SI. It's all I think about sometimes. I'm trying so hard to be a better person, but I just can't do it. I can't keep my promises. I am ruining everything for my marriage. I am all wrong. I feel like I'm just sinking. I am disgusting.
Sorry. You guys really don't need to hear this. I really shouldn't keep talking.
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
It sounds like you are carrying a lot of guilt, and the conflict that comes with impulsive actions.
I do not think any of the things you have described here make you disgusting, although I can understand having a very strong belief about the self that is hard to put into words - I have a strong belief that I do not deserve anything, and that I should be dead (which can be traced back to nearly dying when I was 4). So I know how over-powering and all encompassing these feelings can be.
You say you are trying to change. I wonder wheter the all encompasing nature of these feelings is overshadowing any progress you have made. Progress can often be in small steps and stages and it sometimes requires looking back to see how far we have come, which can be hard when we are so focused on feeling guilty.
I wonder if you can work on making a small promise, or goal and sticking it through - to prove to yourself that you can, and that you do.
Do you speak to any professionals about how things are for you, a therapist or counsellor who could maybe help you put together a plan of gradual small changes?
Be gentle with yourself, as hard as it is for you to see right now, you deserve to be gentle with yourself.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I am seeing a practitioner for meds and a therapist for counseling also. I am working on these things. Trying to figure out what is at the root of all these feelings. I try to pace myself, to listen to waht I am actually saying to myself and try to reason with myself. It's just hard to change those thoughts that are so ingrained. I have OCD and Major Depressive Disorder. So I understand a little bit of the background to my thoughts, and we're working on meds to help me, but I still can't seem to put a finger on the exact reasons... which drives me nuts. I feel like I need something to point at... then I might be able to stop blaming myself and feeling so yucky. I need to transfer those emotions somewhere else, outside myself. I don't know.
Thank you for your support and advise. I am really trying. I am making small promises... but they don't really count for much. There's really one promise that is ruining my life... I can't promise to stop cutting. I just can't do it. I want to eventually get to a place where I don't need it, but to make the promise never to do it agian.... it sends me into a panic. I can't do that. But I have to promise never to do it again.... for my husband. He can't take it anymore. He can't deal with it, he doesn't understand it. I love him. But I lie. I lie to him. I break my promise because I am selfish and disgusting.
But in the moment... I'm not thinking of him. I'm thinking of no one. I am only focussed on my need for the cut. My need for release.
This makes me disgusting... it makes me sick inside. and this is only the scratch on the surface. I feel like theres so much more boiling inside me.
I just feel all wrong.
Again. I am so sorry you guys have to hear this. I just ramble
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
hey girl, i dont know what to say except you are not disgusting. try your best to make good choices and get the help you need, for your own sake as well your marriage. You can do this. sending you some safe hugs. xx
Maybe the promise you need to be making is one to yourself. Not to stop cutting forever, but to try for a set period of time to decide not to.
To chose a day, an hour, a minute and say to yourself I will not cut in this amount of time. Then make that choice again. If you slip, then you slip and you can pick right back up and choose the next amount of time.
I find thinking of it this way, gets around the problem of forever feeling insurmountable and puts you back in controll.
Maybe what you need to tell yourself, and your husband is that you will try not to, and not promise to not at all?
*safe hugs*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I am trying. I just focus on one day at a time right now. But I can't even make the promise to my husband... he has no clue I'm cutting still. I made him the never again promise the morning after I got home from the Emergency Room.... that was almost 2 months ago....he doesn't know that I have been cutting since then.. I have ruined everything and I can't even appologize to him. I don't know how to tell him. HE will leave me.
I am hoping that in a couple weeks I can bring him with me to an appointment... maybe my therapist or practitioner can help me talk to him. help me explain, help him understand. I just can't even think about it right now.
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
I also hope that taking him with to the appointment will work out for you and that you'll be able to talk things through together. I also struggled to get my hubby to go with me in the beginning, but once he did go with a few times, it made a big difference and the therapists helped him understand and asked him questions and stuff. It turned out very helpful in the end even though it was difficult! If he loves you, he won't leave you but help you work through the healing process. Hang in there girl! You can do this! One day at a time is the best. hugs
if I make it that far.
Just about let it all go today. I just don't know how long I can hold on. I'm trying. But I just don't have the energy for this. I can't focus, I don't feel like I can do anythinf. I care, but then I don't care. I know what's expected of me... what I need to do... but then I know what I feel like...
I will not be graphic, but I could have just laid there today, gone to sleep. Done nothing to stop it. It might have taken a while, but it would have worked. Problem was, I had someone waiting on me to go somewhere... they would have found me too soon. So I wait. I hope I can hold it together until I see my therapist again.
Sorry if I'm talking to much. I just don't know what to do with everything inside me. I just feel so heavy. Like I have lead inside my chest. I can't keep my eyes open. I can't make my mind focus. I'm going to fail my test tomorrow. of course. I can't fail. I never fail. BUt I can't concentrate. I can't take anything in.
ugh.
I just wanna go to sleep for a very long time. go away. be alone.
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
It sounds like it may be a good idea to contact your tutor, or course organiser and let them know how things are for you. It may be that they can post-pone your exam for a little while to give you the chance you need to recoup.
Do try and get some rest. I know that can be hard at times, but still try.
Do you have a crisis plan with your care team, do you think you could begin to put that into action and let them know what is going on for you right now?
*safe hugs* You can get through this.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I made it through the test... and the rest of the day in classes I managed to not fail... but it was a super easy test compared to what they normally give...yet I still didn't do what I should have. I barely got a B. I am an A student. It is unacceptable... especially at this level. I am graduating in May. My future patients don't want an incompetant nurse caring for them.
I'm still exhausted. Still feel like I have lead in my chest. I'm am clinging to my appointment book. I just keep looking at the block for next tuesday when I get to see my counselor again. I don't know if I can make it. I feel like I'm going to collapse before then. I have their emergency card, as well as the card for the Nurse Practitioner that's monitoring my meds. But I don't want to talk to them. If I call the emergency numbers... I get an unknown person. Someone completely unfamiliar with me and my situation. I have opened up to the NP and my counselor... it was hard enough then. I can't do that again. I don't want to explain everything again. I want to talk to the people who know where I am at in this process. The preople who know how I feel about things. WHo know how I react.
I just don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel anything but peace. I want to sleep.
I don't have a crisis plan. Only the emergency numbers. I don't want anyone to know though. I don't want anyone to think of me that way. To see how unstable I am. How off the hinges I've gone. I can't take off the mask.... but underneath it I am dying. idk
I'm just rambling now.
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and it is not healthy to do that. No-one is perfect all the time, that is part of the process of learning and developing. There is nothing wrong with the score you got, especially not with how you have been feeling lately.
You say you have opened up to the NP and your counsellor - What did they say? Did they suggest anything that may help?
You are sounding exhausted right now, and I understand that, I have seen exhaustion through in the past. It is important to allow yourself a bit of time right now to stop and to get some rest. You can at least let your husband know you are feeling exahusted right now?
I know what you mean about not liking to call emergency numbers. Do you think you could ask for a Psych or Drs appointment to discuss it with them, face to face. They are at least more likely to know you, and can help find a way to help you through this.
Thinking of you, and sending strength and hugs your way.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Thaks for your support. I know you don't know me, and I don't know you, but it means a lot that I can just get these things of my chest and have someone understand and not be critical of me. I am trying to be easier on myself, but it's hard. Theres so much riing on what I'm doing right now, and if I slack off I won't make it through the courses this semester and I will ahve to wait an entire year to get into the program again. I can't afford that, nor do I have that kind of time. I couldn't handle that much rejection or failure.
I am trying to tell my husband, but it's so hard to tell him I'm suffering when I can't give him a nice big concrete excuse for it. Theres ju7st so many little things going on, and he thinks I should be able to handle them. I feel like if I let the cracks show... I will simply crumble. My bandages are literally holding me together at this point.
But I feel rediculous because I know there are people who are in much worse of situations than I am. WHy do I feel like this. Why do I feel like I don't want to live, when there are others who are fighting so hard to survive where they are? what's wrong with me?
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
Try not to compare yourself to others too much, it won't help you any, and is bound to make you feel worse. Noone has any more or less right to feel a certain way, if you are finding things hard, and lots of things piling up are a struggle then for you, those things are a struggle and that is all that matters right now.
There is nothing wrong with not having one large reason for how you feel. Can you imagine literally carrying all the little things you are describing, would they all stay still and balance in your hands, as I doubt it and do think it a little unrealistic of your husband to expect you to. Maybe you can show it to him by getting him to hold things in his hands? Describe to him the meaning behind the phrase "the straw that broke the camels back".
I know it is hard to not be quite so critical of yourself when so much seems to ride on what comes from your courses now, I think the important thing is to do your best as you sound very capable, but to not beat yourself up over it. It really is not worth that. You will do much better by accepting that you are intelligent, and you do know your stuff and that you can do it, then, let yourself do it - Than if you worry and stress and beat yourself up over every score and possible outcome.
I can't answer why you feel how you feel. I can say I understand some of it though, I am also a perfectionist, and I used to always beat myself up over my course grades and my work. I even panic now in work if I make mistakes - but I have been told also time and again, that the mistakes are the things to learn from, and they do not matter in the grander scheme of things, as my other work is great.
*safe hugs* I will stop rambling at you now. Just know you are not alone in this.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Thank you.
That is a great way of putting it. I suppose I can try to explain it to my husband like that. I will try not to compare myself to everyone or eerything else... it's just in my nature to do so i guess. My perfectionism is something I am working on with my counselor, so we will see how that goes. Having OCD is really getting in the way of a lot in my life, but I can't function without doing things the way I do them. I'm just working on trying to find the balance.
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
Sorry I haven't replied sooner.... I was admitted into the local Psych unit for 1 1/2 weeks. I just got out a few days ago. I've been working on a lot, and the subjects I breached in this thread are at the base of my work and what I am trying to change. Over all, I think being IP helped me, but there's still a lot of work to be done out here, and it's still going to be hard. It's very daunting to think that I have to change my whole way of thinking. I have to change everything. It makes me nervous and I'm scared I won't make it. But I am giving it my best. That's all I can do, especially while I'm adjusting to life on the outside again, when I don't have a support person around me 24/7 to make sure I am safe. It's lonely. idk
I just don't take to change well, and I had just gotten used to being in there and having a strict structured schedule to abide by, and then they let me go and I'm left to cope with the craziness out here alone? I don't get to see my counselor till Tuesday, so hopefully I can hang on till then.
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
Would putting together a routine of what you do now help, do you think?
I am glad you found IP helpful, and that you have been working on the issues you have. It can't be an easy step to take, so I am proud of you for pushing through it.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
