MY therapist is wonderful, probably the best one I've ever had, and he's actually only an intern... I was worried at first, and wanted to switch to a licensed person, but no one had any openings for a couple weeks, and that was not an option after my ER visit. I had to get help right away, or they would put me inpatient. DR.s orders.
Any ways. MY therapist is amazing, and I feel like I can communicate with him more than any I've ever had, he listens, digs deeper rather than just teaching me relaxation techniques. He's helping. But this week he gave me an assignment. He wants me to write down what I am feeling and what is going on, every detail, right before I cut. Or when I feel like cutting. I didn't think it would be this hard.
first of all, I find it hard to stop and write at that moment. And I can't find words for how I'm feeling, they're never enough. IF it was, I would only write when I felt bad like that, I wouldn't cut. ONce I do write, however scant, I feel like I'm being watched, like someone knows my inimate moment, I don't like it. So I cut the pages out so he can't see them, then I feel like I can do it in peace. Idk. This may seem weird, or disgusting, because I know I am, but it's the only way I know how to describe it. It's just such an intimate moment with myself, and it feels wrong to let someone else know what I'm doing before I do it. Like they're watching me and judging me. I don't like it, and it makes me more anxious. But I wan't to try and get better.
So I keep writing before, even though I know I'm just going to cut it out anyways, and then I write after. I can leave the pages I write after, I don't mind that as much. I just need the provate moment for myself, and I don't want anyone else present in that moment.
Sorry, this is probably very weird. I don't know if anyone else understands what I'm even saying. It just makes me sick the way I am. ugh.
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
I don't think it's "sick". I think it's the same way anyone would think when they're trying to write down something they really don't want to share. I think as time goes on though you're going to become more comfortable with the process. You might talk with your therapist about your concerns with this technique and maybe he can suggest ways to help you with the process or maybe suggest another technique all together. It's always scary to share your intimate thoughts and feelings so don't ever feel bad about not doing so easily; there are parts of my psyche that I also will never share with anyone simply because it's not something that I can do. I wish you much luck, if u need an ear, feel free to message me anytime; I think I have my contact info on my profile page; still new here so still testing everything out hehe.
I think I'm begining to fell more comfortable... though far from where he wants me to be. I can write down some of it, but it the words don't do justice to the intensity of waht I am feeling. I guess it's better than nothing, and yet it still allows me some privacy in the moment. idk. It feels weird to say things out loud. To know that someone will be readding how I go thorugh the process. Like someone's watching me... idk... take a shower or something. it's very private. But I want to try.
THanks for the encouragement. and welcome to vets.
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
I think words written down always have less effect than the actual emotions; unless you're extremely used to writing such intimate details or are a professional writer you'll always lose some of the strength in the written words. At least you're giving it a go and that's what is important. I'm glad you're willing to give it a shot and who knows, in a cpl wks or maybe a month or two you'll feel even more comfortable writing about your feelings; best of luck Mousie :) Mike
It could. I'm not very good at drawing though. I feel like there's just a really thick filter.. nothing I feel inside can get out properly... in any way. I try t write, or draw, or whatever... and it's like theres a break in the bridge and I can't cross it. Like I'm stuttering. I go blank, I can't think of the right words, or I cna't make the pencil move right. idk. Maybe if I just keep trying it will get better. BUt it still feels sick to know that someone could see part of whats in my mind. Like they're seeing way too much of me. I don't want to be exposed.
Thanks for the suggestions though
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
Try this when it comes to drawing as it's a trick I give to those who come to me for artistic help. Clear your mind entirely and let your pencil, pen, brush, whatever you use, flow on its own. You'll be surprised with what you come up with that way. As for now, just do what you feel comfortable sharing with your therapist; I'm sure he'll understand especially when you explain to him why this is all you can share for now.
Thanks. I will try that. Although it's going to be a struggle for me. Much of my issue stems from the fact that I have OCD. I am an extreme perfectionist. I can't do anything without constantly thinking about all the different outcomes and what it's going to mean for me or others. I have control issues, I can't let go of anything. It's hard to clear my mind... hence the reason I have a hard time sleeping... I never stop playing out situations and all the ways it should have happened in my mind.
I really want to try and let go... but being out of control of things gives me extremely high anxiety.
I am going to try... but it will take a while. uuuuuuuuughhhhhhhh.... thank you guys for all your support and ideas... I'm sorry I am crushing them.
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
I know how you feel on the perfectionism; I'm the same way; I can't count all the times that I've gone to bed thinking about how to plan out every step regarding things I have to do; hardly anything more so than when I had my art show last year and making sure that went off without a hitch; high anxiety leading up to that. I wish u much luck :)
