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relationship confusion
Right, I don't want to moan about this anymore or come over like a child.
It really is time for me to grow up.
There's just something I need to move past and I don't know how.
Nutshell form= a couple of years ago my boyfriend was talking to one of his ex's and another random guy (both online) in a way that, to me, constitutes cheating. I have dealt with this part of the problem and I guess it has been a case of leaving time to heal and allow me to move on.
The part of the problem I am still not past is that with the "random guy", I'm not sure if anything went on that would constitute "outright" cheating. Something did go on in the past, just doubtful of if it was before or after
we met. There is a LOT to suggest that it was while we were together, besides gut feeling: I read the chat history, the other guy told me the general time it happened without knowing me or knowing when I got with my boyfriend- I trust the fact that the other guy genuinely didn't know about me- in the chat history I read, he got really upset when he found out my boyfriend was in a relationship and said "that's not what you told me back then".
When I tried, last year, to talk it out with my boyfriend, he got really upset and said the guy raped him and that it was before he had met me. I trust that it genuinely was a bad experience for him and that the topic upsets him a lot- it's not just trying to get out of talking or manipulate me or anything- it's genuine. But is that because it was when he was with me which makes it all the much worse for him too and he can't bring himself to tell me.
Ultimately, it was 3/4 years ago. So is it a case of I have to drop it and let time heal the same way it healed the other problem? Is it worth dragging it up again for the possibility of peace of mind, when after all of it I may not be any more satisfied with the answer.
I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm not even over reading his chat history 3 years ago and that's what makes the whole thing even constitute a problem. He hurt me. He's my first boyfriend, before him yes I had liked people, maybe even loved, but no one wanted me. Then I find him and it's as if for that whole time he was just pretending to want me. Not saying I don't feel he does now- I know he loves me and wants to be with me now- it's just the knowledge that as far as I'm concerned, there was a a generous year of our relationship when he clearly didn't think that much of me.
Has that done too much damage? Will I ever be able to truely trust him?
Maybe I should just show him this or something, but the thing is what can he actually do personally. Nothing is what.
But I really don't need this in my headspace anymore.
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