Contains Suicide - Waiting Game

Mousie · 14-10-2011, 05:31 AM

I have been having a very bad week with regards to handling my issues. I have been working on them consciously since I returned from the ER 3 weeks ago. They threatened me to go inpatient, or agree to see the local provider and therapy. I chose the latter. As of late, I feel I owuld have been better off with the first. I feel like I cannot control myself or my emotions. I have been going to my meetings once a week, followed up with my practitioner for stitches and wound care, and they asked about medication weeks ago, but I refused. Been there, done that. didn't like it. But now, I feel like everything is going down hill. I can't get a grip on anything. I am living in constant fear and anxiety, nothing makes me happy, I can't stop thinking about all the bad things. MY husband can't take it anymore and will leave if I ever cut again. But it's all I can think about. I try to write and run to relieve the pressure, to distract me, to help me vent and understand when I can't go to my counselor. But it doesn't work. It's like I cna't express it properly, I can never get enough out. my heart feels like it's constantly being pressed. My lungs are squeezed and my guts are twisted. My mind is racing and I just cna't relax, even if I'm totally exhausted. I layed in bed for an entire 12 hours yesterday, but still didn't get enough rest. I can't stand it. I talk to my therapist, and I feel good for a while. but the thoughts return. I just keep thinking it will be better to die. I should have stayed home from ER and bled out, I could have just let it happen peacefully, and then I could finally be at rest. I keep thinking thats where I want to be, gone. I try not to, I don't want to, but I need to. idk. I just want to be gone, somehow, some way. I think of different scenarios, but I don't have a difinitive plan yet. I just can't stop htinking about it.
I told my counselor, he asked about meds? I made an appointment to get started on some, but its a week before they can even get me in. God, I don't know if I can make it. I just feel so disgusting... I should have let them take me to the ward. I cna't be trusted with myself. I can't do this. I just talked to my counselor today, I like him. He's helping me a little, he listens, I feel like I can sort of connect with him. But he can't be there 24/7 no one can. I feel like I need a babysitter. To make sure I stay alive. To keep me from myself. I won't be able to see him for almost 2 wks now. I don't know what I am going to do with myself. The thought of going two weeks before I can get help again, almost kills me by itself. I can't do this. I am alone, and I can't control myself. God help me. I can only pray that I can stay afloat for two weeks. I am trying my hardest. But it just hurts too bad. I just can't. I am too tired. I don't have the energy or will power to keep going.
I just can't

tifflehan · 14-10-2011, 09:10 AM

You can do this hun, stay strong and you will pull through. Is your husband not supportive?

Mousie · 14-10-2011, 03:54 PM

He is supportive with everything but this. To him, cutting and such related subjects are a childs game. He sees it as **** happens get over it and forget about it. Works for him, I can't forget, I can't move on. I love him, but I just cna't talk to him about this. He doesn't comprehend it, and I can't even explain it well enough for myself to understand. Idk
I just don't feel like I have the energy to fight much longer. I am exhausted

Timeless Wounds · 14-10-2011, 06:43 PM

Hey, how are you out there, hope you feeling better. I was in a real bad state few weeks ago. Just wanted to bleed to near death, just sit there bleeding away. Found out my partner of 8 years has been lieing all these years. Ripped the earth from beneath my feet, totally lost it. I am feeling better but my mind, thoughts just race away, no peace in my head and nobody to talk to.
She says im being childish and need to grow up and get over it. So i stick my middle finger at her and move on. Not goin to let her bring me down.
Fight the thoughts and you will find you will win. From a stranger to a stranger, be safe, im here if you want to talk. I firmly believe we can help each other.
If it wernt for this site i would be in a bad situaton, thank you.

Mousie · 14-10-2011, 11:01 PM

Thanks for your support. It's good to know that others are in the same place as I am, or have been there in the past. my husband hasn't done anything to hurt me, but my actions and coping mechanisms upset him and he doesn't understand me. He also considers it childish and says if he ever sees it again, he will have to leave. I am scared to death of him leaving me, I always have been, but I think about cutting all the time. I have been having suicidal thoughts lately and have been trying to talk it out with my therapist and get started on meds again, but once a week just doesn't seem to cut it. I have a trip that I have to make for school that is a week long... so I won't be able to see him for 2 weeks now. ANd I need to start meds asap, they will take a while to kick in... but waiting a whole week to even discuss a regimen just makes me feel hopeless. A week seems like forever right now. AN hours seems like forever. I am too tired. All I can do right now is to not Act on anything... but thats all I've got. I can't stop the thoughts from swarming my head constantly.