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Fellow Survivor Working at Survival
I identify wth so much of what you've said. I haven't cut for over a year, but the depression I've been experiencing lately, has kicked my feet right out from underneath me. I get very little sleep due to pinched nerves in my spine and have reached the point of being sleep-deprived and exhausted. When I did cut, it was out of a desire to punish myself for all the ways in which I wasn't perfect. Recently, the urge has returned--in force. But, I not only wish to cut, I wish to end it too. I called the crisis line, associated with the local mental health clinic, on Friday night. (I also, hit the pits in the evenings and through the night.) The crisis worker, whom my therapist assured me had a master's degree, showed all the empathy, understanding, caring, and knowledge of one of the weeds outside my front door! I then, called the "Warm Line"--one staffed by peer support specialists. She was better at the job than the degreed therapist. The problem was that I'd heard it all before. The therapist actually said that her only suggestion was to "lose weight so that I could be happier"!!!!! And how is that supposed to get me through the night or the weekend???? Well, I'm calling the clinic tomorrow to complain.
Anyway, be careful whom you call when suicidal. Make sure its someone who genuinely cares about you. Not some stranger--unless absolutely necessary. I know how difficult it is to deal with the current mental health system, but you've got to keep fighting! Do you have family or close friends nearby? A trusted clergyman? Have you and your therapist written a crisis plan? The hardest times are all of those hours in which the clinic is closed and your/my therapist is unavailable. The only workable half-solution I've found, is to formally decide ahead of time how you are going to handle each and every issue which arises. Then, you have to force yourself to stick to your own rules. See, when you've made the plan, you no longer have to argue with yourself each time a question of behavior comes up. Its already decided and in place. All it takes is reminding yourself--i'm free to do something else right now, because the "other" is no longer an option. I don't know if my idea might be of help or not, but I just wanted to toss it out there for consideration. Every individual needs his/her own way of traveling through life. Hope you realize that I'll be here for you if you ever wish to take me up on my offer of friendship. Frequently, I'm a mess too, but so far, I've been called, a "survivor". I've made it for 57 years now. It would really be a shame to cash in now--got to keep telling that to myself! Best wishes, grannymusiclover.
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