I feel like I lost a whole side of me when I stopped self harming that I will never get back.
I used to be comfortable around people. I don't know if it was feigned or not, but it was something positive. I had all of this negative emotion under control because I was cutting.
I stopped cutting because I was forced to. I was not ready at all. I finally found someone who cared about me and I felt as if I had to make a decision there and then between losing him or losing self harm. It wasn't in my head, he did tell me that he wasn't tolerating me doing those things to myself.
So I stopped. Since then, I haven't had any control over the negative emotions. Since then, I can't be comfortable around people. I have lost all of my social skills. I don't know in what twisted way that was linked to cutting, but it was. Perhaps cutting gave me the strength to put on the mask and now I don't have any strength at all.... who knows.
I have slipped up quite a few times. I don't see them as slip ups, I see them as an attempt to try and get my old life back. I no longer care about keeping the one I stopped for, because no one has the right to make such demands on a person. Not saying I want to lose him, just saying I shouldn't feel all of this just because I'm "not allowed" to cut.
It's gotten to the stage where whenever I am not going to see him for a while, I cut as much as I can all at once as soon as he leaves to give them chance to heal before I next see him. Something tells me that is worse than just admitting I am still not ready to stop.
I don't even have any guarantee that cutting will do anything for me anymore. Maybe it's just turned into a way of saying you can't control me. I don't know anymore.
I'm lost...
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
I feel like I lost a whole side of me when I stopped self harming that I will never get back.
I used to be comfortable around people. I don't know if it was feigned or not, but it was something positive. I had all of this negative emotion under control because I was cutting.
I stopped cutting because I was forced to. I was not ready at all. I finally found someone who cared about me and I felt as if I had to make a decision there and then between losing him or losing self harm. It wasn't in my head, he did tell me that he wasn't tolerating me doing those things to myself.
Perhaps cutting gave me the strength to put on the mask and now I don't have any strength at all.... who knows.
I'm lost...
This makes complete sense to me. When I self-harmed (more) I felt able to deal better with my life. It gives you another thing to focus on besides the negatie thoughts and emotions. It lets you escape self-esteem problems. So it's natural that the control and release involves in SH would keep you comfortable.
If you are forced to stop, it leaves you feeling lost, you haven't the control either to keep cutting or to have chosen to stop by yourself. That's going to leave your confidence shaky in itself. i turned to drink. Wouldn't recommend it. Is there someone you can talk to? And could you explain better to the person you care about, that SH is not always intended to harm but is for coping? Maybe if you agree to get some help (dunno what your circumstances are) then he would be better able to deal with "slip ups" (and I agree with you on the slip ups point by the way).
Put like that, it does make a lot of sense- especially losing the control to cut and the choice to stop all at once. I guess it's no surprise I feel like this.
I can't talk to anyone I know. When I did "openly" cut, I was manipulative with it. I tried to control everyone I knew with my self harming. I can't let myself do that again- I'm scared of turning to anyone 'concrete' (i.e. non-internet) because I will end up doing it again.
I am going to have to find a way of talking to him though. It's not going to happen overnight, but I have to think of something... I've tried getting help, but it never seems to achieve much =[
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
Im not in the same situation but i do feel lost sometimes without the harm in my life.
I dont think what you are saying is uncommon. I dont think what you are feeling is uncommon either. Infact i think that sadly its rather too common.
I know you tried your best to stop and i admire you greatly for that. You did what you could and you tried your best knowing what you knew. Sadly it seems there werent sufficient alternatives in place. I think many people do this. I think many try so hard to give up without having something set in place to replace it with if the need arises.
I know you say it was forced upon you and that you were'nt ready and i think that this is the place to start. I doubt none of it was your chosing. Im sure most of the will to stop actually did come from you else you wouldnt have managed it at all. so firstly be proud of that. I think many give things up for others and then wonder why they fall back into old habbits. The reson is that you need to do it for you and you alone ultimately.
Having an additional reason like a partner or family or work is a great addage to stopping but it shouldnt be the sole reason without you wanting it also. Or at the very least doing it without sufficient alternatives and coping strategies at hand. For this to work long term its gonna have to come from you.
You harm for a reason and i wonder if that reason has been dealt with and those wounds have been healed? Im doubting it! I think you need to tell those who are close how you feel. I know you are scared of losing this man, and its something you have written about for the past couple of years, but this is your life and its your problem. He cant rule you or dictate to you. Its a partnership and you help and share and support one another. If he loves you and truely cares he will understand. He may not understand SH but perhaps he can understand addiction?
You cant do this alone. Talk and see if you can get some help from the gp perhaps. See if your partner will help you with the urges and perhaps help you to formulate a strategy of what else you could do.
Excercise is a great thing to distract. It releases similar endorphines and it really can make a difference.
the slips will happen! just call me Mister slippy! But the healing wont happen until you address it, and then the SH will always find a way to rear its ugly head.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
You're right, there weren't enough alternatives. I initially took up smoking (bad alternative, I know), but that in itself became an addiction and as such something in itself...
Again you're right with the motives; there was clearly a part of me that chose to do it otherwise it wouldn't have worked, but like you say I need to do it 100% for myself or I will land in this situation every time.
The reason hasn't been dealt with at all. I'm not going to say there hasn't been some healing going on... I don't dwell on what has gone on in my past as much anymore and even when I can't get it out of my head it barely hurts me at all- this has obviously been due to getting it all off my chest with counsellors, with him, with anyone that will listen- I'm very open about my crap (which perhaps isn't always a bad thing and is why people avoid me).
I am not scared of losing him anymore. I didn't post here around then but I did end things for good- if I'm totally honest the main reason I took him back was because I saw how much I'd upset him, but that's not saying I regret it because everything I used to talk about here is better now in regards to him. I am definitely not allowing him to control my life anymore- whether he really has changed or not, I certainly have.
I know I can't do it alone- that's the problem I guess; I feel very much alone. I'm scared of the manipulative side of me I spoke of before- I'm good at using stuff like self harm to get people to do what I want and I'm not that person anymore- but I fear that's only because I've stopped talking about it and if I did talk I would go back to that.
I guess there's only one way of finding out which.
Exercise is something I would like to do, I would probably feel better about myself if I did it. Trouble is it's a vicious circle I am in; I wear myself out so much with all of this that I never feel I have the energy to do something different.
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
