Things have been getting worse over the past weeks/months with harming and thoughts and the gravity of everything...and when im able to ive been seeking help and a doctor at A and E who Ive seen twice now has been spending alot of time with me, asking about my history etc..hes trying to get me some help...
Im struggling somuch and today is the day last year that I took an overdose..because i couldnt cope with seeing the day that my friend lost her life.
Its really painful and still raw although it was four years ago and im feeling the same way, with the same thoughtsand I cant get them out of my head.
I felt very unsafe yesterday and scared, and out of control...so made an emergency appointment with a doctor who sent me to see the crisis team.
Im due a visit from the HTT today and tomorow and seeing their doctor on monday for a meds review.
When I was talking to them last night..im meant to have given T my pills, but I cant...I really cant because I know he wouldnt give them back to me..theyre out of the house in the boot of my car. Kind of out of the way
T knows it the anniversary, and that I saw the crisis team and that theyre coming today...but I dont think he really realises all thats going on and hes gone sailing which is so good for him....but I miss him, I need him here with me. Im in this house all alone with these thoughts going round in my head...ive harmed to try and stop them and it nromally works for a while...but its not this time
I ve been told i did well for reaching out and maybe i should call them..but theyre coming between 1 and 3 and thats not that long to wait and im scared to ring..and I dont weant to bother them...they said T could for me, but hes not here. I really shouldnt ask so much of T
Im scared. Im scared of whats happening to me because i dont want to be like this and have these thoughts and all these scars that im making..I dont want any of it...
How did it go with the HTT? I think your last sentence is really important, I think you should reread it. Could you give K or someone your car keys? You don't drive so you have no need to have them and at least that would keep you safe without you having to deal with the anxiety of totally giving away your meds?
Thank you, It went ok I think Emma..stayed for ages. It was part of the 'deal' that if they helped me, that Id give Tim my pills and I feel really bad for not being able to do that...but she asked if id promise to call them tonight if things got bad, and I will and if i cant I will ask Tim to...and I will do that
They are calling tomorrow o see if id like a visit/what time can they come type of thing. She said that they would arrange some support and therapy and that a doctor would be coming to my home on monday to discuss medication.
I really dont know what to think, this time last year I saw a way out from all of this..but now it seems more complicated because people are willing, or are offering their help..but what if it never comes? what if the cmht turn me away..ive already got a letter saying no more psychotherapy type things...She said things change, but will they? Maybe Ive lost faith in people.
I am so depressed and am having intrusive thoughts about allsorts..am seeing my parents tonight..been away for 3 months,,not going to be easy but may lift me, it will be nice to see them..this all just seems weird, not real
Well done for talking to them. People offering their help is a good thing, I know it is scary but this is what you have been fighting for! Did you tell them you have not given the pills to T? I hope it goes ok at your parents. I am away tonight but will check back tomorrow x
Firstly, I am so so very proud of you for everything. I know you have been wanting help for a long time and been finding it hard to reach out, so to reach out like you did is so amazing and you should be proud of yourself.
I think given that the pills are in your car... its better than having them in the house, but still if you can give them to T or at least tell him youre struggling to maybe he can help you and support you through it?
I think you should let them come tomorrow... this is a good step to getting help which you more than deserve and even though its hard its so so worth it so accept everything they offer... & if things do get hard tonight im so glad that you will call them.
Im leaving lots of hugs and im always here by pm or text or anything. Love you xxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
Sorry mand, I think our posts must have crossed...but thank you it did go ok.
Seeing mum and dad was nice..have been worried about them being so far away for so long and theyre not young...but when they rang up on friday to say that they were back, they wanted to speak to me and T told them the truth..that i was speaking with the mental health people...ive never let them in, I have to be strong..even when my son was diagnosed I couldnt speak to them about it or speak to them about anything..I felt id let the side down and for 3 months the only way i could communicate with them was via email..**** knows why...but this is MY illness...not theirs, its something that belongs to me..not to be shared..I know they love me and i love them dearly, I really do and i know somethings gone wrong somewhere between us and i guess Mum misunderstaood what T said and she thought id been in hospital and was i going back and would i tell her if i was feeling poorly and keep her informed and i know its all out of care..but i cant share this illness with them..that makes me feel really bad now
ive confused myself now..so ill leave it for a bit
And thank you xxhappydaysxx x
Oh and yes Emma, they did know that I hadnt given them to T x
I well understand the not wanting to 'share' it with your parents; I refuse to as well. There is no need, nor point in it.
I know you are scared, but even tho you are, you are still moving forward.
You've made some amazing progress, Rowie, you really have.
xxx
