Apologies if the title sounds odd, don't know how to put it otherwise.
Im not exactly suicidal right now, but have been for the last coupla hours - only able to post now.
Long story short, although I'm getting professional help (cpn and waiting for therapy, psychiatrist still assesing me too but thats been delayed due to homelessness cos I couldn't face it/disruption) but I've definitely been stamped 'attention-seeking' etc and basically my best course of action is to try desperately NOT to call the crisis team cos it ends up spending hours (14 record so far) forcibly detained in A&E or a police cell. And the additional trauma and difficulties with friends that entails.
Right well I'm not homeless after next wednesday, and I've got an awesome flat etc...... sorry not feeling the enthusiasm right now I know I'm very lucky... Been staying on a friends sofa too much better than the hostel... but I'm gonna miss them so much. I want to have someone to say 'morning' to, to have a cup of tea with at the end of the day, to fall asleep on the sofa with late watching stuff... living with randomers would be far far worse than my own place but I'd rather be with friends but not possible atm.... is a 2 bed flat so we'll see.
Anyway point is I keep getting suicidal, I mean seriously, I'm not wanting to get help anymore. For a start I know I'll be turned away often (see previous posts) and also I guess just the depression thingy of not wanting help cos it does seem so futile and hopeless. God I feel so clinical writing this. Erm right anyway so when I'm there in my own flat (my friends is unemployed atm for another week, so around lots) and well it is totally different to show up, disoriented and desperate, than to be obviosuly low and quietly cared for living alongside people. I would have SI'd (and I barely do that nowadays) badly if there hadnt been people with me tonight. Even then, I couldn't say anything, felt trapped must die feelings I wanted a hug and daren't ask I wanted to cry and couldnt felt trapped.
Basically I think there is a very real chance I might kill myself soon, and I am getting to the point of being unable and unwilling to get help. Im tired of it all. It is getting worse and I keep telling my CPN and im scared she wont get it til im dead. But soon I wont be scared anymore.
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
I'm sorry. All I can do is offer virtual hugs atm. *hugs*
~~'~~;~~{@
Please do keep posting and be patient. Vets has gotten a bit slow lately since many of us seem to be struggling right now. But we do try to reply and help when we can.
*sits with you until someone more useful can come along* I can listen if you like, even if my advice is MIA right now.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
From your previous thread you seem to have a bad relationship with your care team.
Perhaps a good place to start is not with the suicidal feelings but why it may be they think you are attention seeking? Do you really want to die or do you just want to be loved?
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
It sounds like being homeless and in various temporary accommodation has made your mood worse recently - which is hardly surprising. In a state of severe depression any change tends to feel scary and unmanageable, so the prospect of having your own place isn't helping you either.
Just give yourself a chance though. Once you have done the move and had a few weeks to adjust to living on your own you might feel a lot more able to manage, and less suicidal.
I've been following your other thread with interest, having been thinking about a similar dilemma. For me I see the problem as I know I'm 'supposed' to report it if it's becoming dangerous - but why ask if they can't do anything to help?
Although I would say that when the crisis team forcibly detain you, then it shows they are taking your risk seriously, even if they're not very kind about it.
I'm wondering what kind of response you'd like from them - what would help? Also do you ever use the samaritans or any crisis lines? - at least they will listen without labelling you.
Thanks for the replies and hugs... things are looking up a little bit.
ninjapenguin - I dont have a bad relationship with my care team exactly - I just don't have one! I get on well with my CPN and she's the only one I see regularly atm apart from the odd psych assesment or emergency crisis thingy - but the last one of them I was just locked up in a cell and the crappy police doctor refused to asses me at first (apparently I was 'obviously on drugs'!! - but I was clean!) and after being locked up all night, when he finally did he decided I wasn't ill despite knowing about my current care and history, this led to the sergeant screaming in my face to 'stop shaking or i'll lock you up for another six hours'. This is why I dont want to tell services when I'm suicidal. I do not do anything attention seeking - seriously, in what way are you supposed to explain that you are a risk to yourself? especially when u can barely speak and just want to hurt yourself. Not that being coherent helps much either. As for what help I'd like, well I don't know exactly - but that is why I am getting suicidal a lot - I feel there is no other way out. As for being loved, well don't we all, but I dont want that from them...... I'd rather have nothing to do with MH services at all, I just want to take what I can to get better and run tbh! Sorry not trying to criticise ur answer and I appreciate it, just trying to explain more clearly.
sorry to sound so negative, like I said I'm feeling a lot better, but for no apparent reason so no idea how long it'll last...
I just feel totally desperate and at my wits end when I'm suicidal (sorry - I guess everyone is, don't know how to explain what I mean) because its like I've been full circle - started getting depressed and wanting to withdraw, feeling worthless etc, encouraged to reach for help - to be told/shown, 'yeh actually we would rather you shut up and went away we dont care!' and made to feel a burden/waste of time/worthless as I did in the first place...
My CPN seems to understand all this but wont take me seriosuly when I expalin how bad things are. I just hope she doesnt find out by me being dead.
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
Sorry i didnt mean wanting love in the all encompassing way. From what id previously read you were angry with your care team and i didnt get the impression they help much. You mentioned a lot about attention seeking and for this to happen they need to base this upon some assumptions or presuppositions. I was wondering if you had any reason for it. I was also wondering if the suicidal feelings were really about dying or perhaps the only way you know of getting them to listen to you?
Theres a bit of incongruence with your CPN it seems: "I get on well with my CPN and she's the only one I see regularly"........"My CPN seems to understand all this but wont take me seriosuly when I expalin how bad things are". Do you see?
To me this is saying that the two of you are not communicating well at all, and hence i dont think you have a good relationship at all. This was why i thought it may help to find out why you are feeling one thing but the rest of them are saying something different? Perhaps its the way you come across or perhaps, as i say before that feeling suicidal and expressing it is the only way you know how to communicate?
Regardless of what happens its important you keep talking to them and its important you stay safe.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I havent done anything attention seeking - hence previous thread. Simply being reapeatedly suicidal and not being dead yet apparently means I'm attention seeking. According to cpn there is also an issue with A&E drs not reading notes; the initial assesment is not done by someone trained specifically in mental health, and we all know how ignorant people can be. The A&E notes are all they have and refer to, and the ignorant judemental attitude reinforces itself (ie. if you were an dr and unsure about someone, previous notes would influence you). This is made far worse by the fact that you dont get asses til 6-14hrs after being sectioned (police 136 thingy) by which time I'm dazed sleepy, and barely able to talk feeling so awful. If I do scrape it together to be coherent, that seems to go against me too.
As for wanting do die, like I said I'd rather there was another way, because to die would upset some people a LOT (like my mum - though we're not close). I go on for them only, not for me. Apart from the huge pain I feel at points and the struggle to go on everyday, I cant actually be bothered; it doesn't seem worth it. So little reward for so much effort, so to speak. The **sensible?** part of my mind says 'that's depression speaking' and presses on, but I am really exhausted of it all tbh. If I say I want to die; in that moment I do, I see no other options. So, as much as anyone who wants to die yet tells someone, yes I do want to die, not just comfort or something. If I want comfort or support I will specifically ask for that. Hmm how can I be so aware of my own mind and still *mental* ?! Grr.
Im sorry if this sounds critical, I really appreciate you taking time to answer, its just very frustrating atm. Especially as the **sensible** part of my mind is trying to make sure that things are in place as I am very aware that I'm in a crisis period and could easily slip. I nearly hung myself in the shower yesterday. I didnt want my friend to find me. This is the sort of thing I mean - I am scaring myself.
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
You have explained very clearly how you think things are for you. I was just wondering what you thought might help? Nobody will be able to 'fix' things for you or suddenly make you feel better so I was wondering if you had considered what you might do or put in place to help you and whether you had discussed with your CPN needing some 'safety' measures rather than simply announcing you are suicidal?
