Contains Suicide - Paralysis and Terror

[Margo]

The title sounds rahter dramatic but i dont know how else to describe what i feel.

I feel like i shouldnt post. I feel like i cant post. I feel so much hate towards myself. I wish and long for the self harm to return full blown. I think for hours and hours about killing myself and about hurting myself. I practice it step by step in my head. I imagine the act and the after effect.

I feel so lost without harm and suicide as my comfort. I have a terrible sadness that i can not kill myself.

I am so scared of what is coming. I am so scared of them changing my income and forcing me to work. I am so scared of not being sick. I am so scared that im the same person i was before i fell ill. I hate that person!

I was weak and pathetic before i fell ill. I was scared of everything. I was too afraid to go for things i wanted. Now after this illness destroyed what ever was left i am even more afraid.

I put myself back on to my AD's last week. I just couldnt control the anxiety.

I went back to work yesterday for my volunteering. It was ok. Like i hadnt been away. I felt **** 2 hours into it though. I came home and couldnt eat. I had a sandwich later and ive not eaten since.

I am suppossed to get back cycling. I am supposed to get back to the gym. I am supposed to do positive things but i cant seem to do it. Tomorrow i have to go to the OT with my CV. She wants to look for work for me. she wants to look into courses for things i may like. My CV is ****. I have dreadful qualifications. They say im intelligent but im really not. The CV shows all. I cant bring myself to find the email its attached to and print it off. I bet i deleted it..

I cant bring myself to tell my dad or anyone except my mum how i feel. I cant bring myself to help out in the house to appease the guilt of doing nothing.

I cant reciprocate the love the best person in the world gives me and i broke their heart. the only person in the world who sees me when im bad and who understands.

I am so fortunate compared to so many here. I am so well compared to most here. I have no excuse. I have no reason.

I dont know how to change. I dont think i can. My therapy session was crap. 2 months catch up left me feeling dead and empty. People say cant your therapist help? How can i explain shes not that kinda therapist? I feel i make excuses. I feel im cheating.

I wish upon all wishes i could take my own life right now. I know i cant though because i am not brave enough.

Im in a dreadful mess. I dont want to ever see anybody again. I hated seeing friends this weekend. I just wanted to go home and suffer. I am not going to see them again. I am not going to see anyone again if i can help it.

there is no point helping, as i cant be helped. Im a whining bitch

[PoisonedApple]

Quote:

I am so fortunate compared to so many here. I am so well compared to most here. I have no excuse. I have no reason.

I could have written that part myself. Actually I can relate to a great deal of what you have written here but...
I try to think of it this way: There is always going to be someone more well and someone more unwell than you. If we were all more unwell than everyone else here (as if it were possible to all be worse than everyone else) would any of us be here?

I would like to reply properly to the rest of your post but I can't seem to form the words into the sentences they should be right now. I will try to come back to this later. *Huggles bunches*

[Stellata]

Depression and all that stuff is the way it is. Sometimes I feel like it bites back more the more we fight it. What if you tried being with it, like making friends with it [sounds corny, I know...]?

[Margo]

I know what you are saying but im not ill anymore. Thats the problem.

I burned myself this afternoon. It felt good. I have two big blisters on my arm. itshidden andno one can see. Its not real harm. Its ok.

[Stellata]

Who says you're not ill any more?

And if you're not ill, why are you on anti-depressants?

[quiet1]

(((((((((((matthew))))))))))))))
i know you probably don't want a hug but i am giving you one anyways. there is so much about your post that i can relate to.
i too, am saddened by the thought that i cannot actually kill myself. you are not alone there.
i think what i mostly want to convey to you is that you are not alone. i know you have so much hate for yourself, i think a lot of us here have hatred for ourselves. i know i do. i won't try to convince you otherwise. instead i will try to help you see that you in fact are sick. you have a mental health problem that is leading you to destroy yourself. it is sucking away the things you love, like this person, your love of cycling and taking photos of random things on your journeys. it is telling you that you should die. these are indications that you are ill. out of control anxiety is indicative of an illness. there may be people on here that are sicker than you, but there are lots of people who much healthier too, matthew. look in the moving forward forum.

i think you know you are ill, but you wish to be more ill, like the bad days. when you could just full on SH and OD without thinking twice about it. that was tangible evidence that you couldn't cope with life. it was a true problem. one that could be seen. instead of this intangible/abstract paralyzing fear that you may need to return to a life that you hate.

i may be so off and that's ok. my point is to show you that i care enough to read your post. to let you know that you are not alone in your wicked thoughts and to show you that i can multitask! :P

when all else fails, watch a season of Dexter and have a ham and cheese sandwich with a cup of tea.

[CagedBird]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stellata

Who says you're not ill any more?

And if you're not ill, why are you on anti-depressants?

Good point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by quiet1

i think you know you are ill, but you wish to be more ill, like the bad days. when you could just full on SH and OD without thinking twice about it. that was tangible evidence that you couldn't cope with life. it was a true problem. one that could be seen. instead of this intangible/abstract paralyzing fear that you may need to return to a life that you hate.

True. It is hard being ill on the inside, and it is even harder being ill but having to move towards recovery when people don't understand just how hard that is. I agree with SH being tangible evidence of distress, it kinda gives validation that one does feel really *that* bad. I think there are a lot of hidden self harming adults out there....

[silent_scars11]

True. It is hard being ill on the inside, and it is even harder being ill but having to move towards recovery when people don't understand just how hard that is. I agree with SH being tangible evidence of distress, it kinda gives validation that one does feel really *that* bad. I think there are a lot of hidden self harming adults out there....[/quote]

Just wanted to agree with what's already been said. I sometimes find myself longing for some reason, any reason, to "excuse" me self-harming. Before I probably wouldn't have even hesitated. Sometimes it gets harder before it gets better. Hang in there, you're worth so much more than this. <3

[pea soup]

I have nothing useful right now Matt. Your post sounds so painful, I had tears. Please dont compare yourself to others. Your pain is valid.

Please be safe.
*compassionate snuggles*
loves.
xxxxx

[tifflehan]

I empathise with everything you said! So ninja hug son their way to you!

(((HUGS)))

[Margo]

thank you. I feel better today. Im not sure why but i do. Did a little gardening with my dad so at least im not feeling guilty for being here. I looked at my bike but i simply can not bring myself to get on it or even touch it.

I saw my OT in the morning. Apparently the whole service has been changed. I will soon be discharged. I also found out i was only supposed to be under that department for 10 weeks and its been 2+ years now. I guess im lucky i slipped the net right?

i told her exactly how i feel. I said i do want to do something but im frightened. i said i just want someone to tell me its ok and to give me a little push and a kinda hand hold.

I think perhaps i would like to try a course? Mh related maybe. I saw in MF forum someone is doing a Peer Support thing. I really liked the sound of that. Im good one to one. I dont know where to look or how. I tried this afternoon. Then i got scared and down because there didnt seem to be anything.

I have until tuesday to make a decision as to what i want. I havent a clue what i do want. I am far from sure i coudl manage doing it anyways. My memory retention is bloody awful. I doubt i am capable of learning.

How do you look for things when you have no self belief or confidence? the force dragging me to misery in my head is stronger than i can fight on my own.

Im writing this because i am not hating myself right now. I dunno why but im not. So it gives me chance to write. I dont know what to do.

It may sound silly but i dont. I need some help.

[Margo]

**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** im going to hurt myself.

[Stellata]

To punish yourself for being frightened?
Or?

What's the real feeling?

[Margo]

I swear i pressed hard. Just scratches again. Just ****ing scratches. It was still sharp, i swear i thought i was pressing hard enough. Im exhausted from nothing.

Why? because it just swept in and over me and i had to do it. I need to have pain. what am i feeling? I am feeling possessed.

[Sefka]

You said you shouldn’t and couldn’t post. But you still did it. You reached out and, hopefully, it helped. I think you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Also, you can say it’s not real harm, but it is. And I can sympathise with trying to cut and leaving only scratches, which I think you were saying in your last post.

Anyway, I was looking at your middle post. You said “I havent a clue what i do want. I am far from sure i could manage doing it anyways.” Sorry, but this sounds like you do know what you want but don’t believe you’re capable of achieving it. You want to try a course. What kind of course? (Peer supporting who?) It sounds like you really want to do this but you say that you doubt you’re capable of learning. Why? From what you write on these forums, you seem pretty smart. Memory is not the same as learning. If you did this course, what would the worst possible case scenario be? Is it any worse than where you are now?

I wish I could answer the question of what to do when you have no self-belief or confidence. It’s easy to say ‘do it anyway’ but that can seem so impossible. So I guess just try and believe what the people around you are saying, recognise that your own self-judgement is probably overly harsh, and… I dunno, something about Japanese fighting gophers.

Hope you're doing okay tonight. Feel free to PM.

[Zurg]

I wish you could see yourself as i see you, Matt. A smart, caring and sensitive man who has a lot to offer the world.

I have begun to pursue a dream i have had for many, many years. It is really scary and it leaves a lot of room for potential failure. But maybe, just maybe, i'm gonna make it. IN spite of everything the professionals told me. I have decided it's worth a try (and a fight).

I have a strong feeling that you can do this too. You have gained so much insight from the years you spent in hell. I know it's scary. It's like stepping out of the nest once again to test your wings. But maybe you are ready to fly again????? It's not a shame to need someone to hold your hand while you try.

I'm sorry, i've been drinking all night, so maybe none of this makes any sense. I'd just hate to see you stay in this mess because you're convinced you cannot make it. I have a lot of faith in you.

[Margo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sefka

Anyway, I was looking at your middle post. You said “I havent a clue what i do want. I am far from sure i could manage doing it anyways.” Sorry, but this sounds like you do know what you want but don’t believe you’re capable of achieving it. You want to try a course. What kind of course? (Peer supporting who?) It sounds like you really want to do this but you say that you doubt you’re capable of learning. Why? From what you write on these forums, you seem pretty smart. Memory is not the same as learning. If you did this course, what would the worst possible case scenario be? Is it any worse than where you are now?

Back at the beginning of 2005 i decided i was going to try and change my career. I wanted to be a kind of motivational speaker helping business people learn to sell or talk to customers correctly or learning presentation skills and for the second part of my week i wanted to help people with Mh problems, especially young adults (like on here). I was doing a course in something which would help this and i liked it a lot. It had applications in business and therapy. I thought with all the years of counselling id had and years of depression i could mix the two and have a pretty ****ign good method to help. My raison detre being i actually wanted to do something that meant something when i got home at night. then in oct of that year my head exploded. (see pieces of it strewn all over this bloody site)

Now i dont know what i want from one moment to the next. My thoughts cycle fast like someone with bi-polar almost when it comes to myself. One second i can try something and the next im the scum of the earth. One second i want to live and the next i dont. Its relentless. therefore depending on what time of day i can either say i can do something or i cant. I guess what i wrote before was mid way.

My anxiety has been bad for a long time now. I have had that feeling just before you go into an interview for about 4 months now. I have people telling me im bright and things to offer but i dont know who they are talking about. I havent a ****ing clue who this Matthew is. It certainly isnt the same person i see. I hate Matthew. I really hate him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zurg

I'm sorry, i've been drinking all night, so maybe none of this makes any sense. I'd just hate to see you stay in this mess because you're convinced you cannot make it. I have a lot of faith in you.

You made sense. Thank you. Like i said above i dont see who you see. Far far from it. Ive felt so sick from nervousness today i can barely walk. i did manage to help a little in the garden and do the vacuuming and take the dog out. I am supposed to be looking at courses and making the decision to ask for part time work where i volunteer. I cant bring myself to look at anything.

I have a huge blister burn on my arm. Its disgusting and is making me anxious. My family are all asking when im going on my bike. That makes me feel sick too. how can i be kind to something i hate? Someone please tell me, cus im rapidly destroying myself again.

[Margo]

oh and thank you all for the replies. you are all kind xxx

[Margo]

I also dont know how to tell my family how i feel. Ive told my mum most of it. I am as paralysed to tell the rest of them as i am to get work and move on....

[Bitter_Angel]

Matt, I am limited on words right now.
But there isnt a right way and wrong way to live. There isnt happy and sad.
There is a lot of gray matter in everything.
You have to find a balance between what feels good and what dosnt.
Do things not because you should, or because you believe you should have it, do it because you think you will like it.
If you harm then so be it, dont then harm further as punishment for the orginal harm else it will snowball.

Baby steps remember. If your not ready to ride your bike, how about making a plan of where you want to go when you do ride? or something that you want to buy that will make riding more fun? (Im thinking pink streamers)

Just one day at a time Matt.