I haven't let myself self injure, and by that I mean really self injure properly in quite some time. But the thoughts are there. I keep on imagining myself doing it, and feeling it... and I crave it so badly it hurts.
Recently I have only been allowing myself minor self injury - limiting myself to bruises, that sort of thing. But I keep on looking at the knife and wanting the brief relief that it will bring. Things in my life aren't going the way I want them to - not that it is any different from anyone else, but it frustrates me. I am so anxious and antsy that I really need to do something about it. I want to drink, but I quit drinking a few years ago. I want to properly self injure, but I am struggling with that addiction as well. I don't know what is wrong with me that I keep wanting to self destruct.
Spending far too much time alone with my thoughts, and that isn't good for me either. Some of those thoughts are... well, we won't go there. It's not healthy for me, I know that. But I don't know how to change any of it either. I am hating myself, hating my life, hating my situation, and hating the fact that I keep on returning to the same cycle of self abuse.
If you remove the drinking part i could have written most of that myself!
I feel in the same position pretty much and right now at this moment i would feel such a hypocrit for giving advice. But then RYL is full of hypocrysy isnt it.
you arent alone.
try and get out if you can.
take care
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I know that I'm not alone... but that doesn't change how I feel some days... most days.
It feels hypocritical of me to be asking others for support, yet I'm not here to support them. I read some of the threads on here but can't find anything to contribute. Other days I can't really handle reading where others are, as it sends me spiralling out of control. A few people on the forum have reached out to me in responses to previous posts, but I still feel like an outsider. Like I don't even belong here. The other day I got a PM on the forum.... it was a spammer. That really was a letdown - yet it shouldn't have been... I have no claim on support, I have no claim on others. It feels like I ought to apologize for how I feel.
Anyone is free to ask for help. Its why this place is here. Doesn't matter if you dont support, you can still ask.
However you are more likely to get replies if you make replies as people will get to know you. This section of ryl is horribly quiet.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I do appreciate that, however I find I don't know WHAT to say to others. I really feel like I am an outsider, and don't belong. Another issue is that it doesn't seem to take much to trigger me... so reading isn't always that healthy for me.
I can understand not being in a position to help others. As things get easier for you, it'll get easier to read and respond and you'll feel good about it.
As to the other things- sometimes the best solution (and I am *not* encouraging SI here!) is to go the route of least damage. If you literally can't find a way out of the situation, think long and hard and carefully about what the route of least destruction would be for you. I suspect the drinking (for me anyway) would be the thing least easy to quit once it takes a hold. What else could you do?
Have you tried other outlets? i mean ones that aren't destructive at all?
Do you have anyone to talk to? If you know some of the reasons for your self-destructiveness- and it sounds like you do- maybe an outside perspectve would help you shuffle the deck of emotions a bit, lay out a hand of options for you, other ways to think.
If you want to PM me, feel free. I mean that. I don't always get back straight away (similarly easy to trigger sometimes) but I promise to get back.
Thanks for the supportive words - it helps to know I am not alone. I'm trying not to pull inwards too much. Some days are really hard when I leave myself alone with my thoughts. They spiral out of control.
I'm struggling with somewhat similar things to you (and Ninjapenguin) right now. In my case I have been craving cutting and smoking, whilst isolating myself in my room for several days.
And this bit in a big way:
Quote:
Originally Posted by hermit
I am hating myself, hating my life, hating my situation
Not sure that telling you this helps much - but then again it is always nice to get replies, especially if you're not a regular poster.
Here are some practical suggestions:
-Put the knife away out of view if you can.
-Write down how you would feel about it if you did it, after 1 hour, after 1 day and after 1 week.
-Keep reminding yourself that we don't have to act on our thoughts.
It always feels that I am on the outside looking in. I don't understand others. I don't understand myself. Some days it is as if I am an alien dropped on this planet by mistake.
Having a night where the craving is strong. I keep on thinking about it. In my mind I am being violent towards myself. Very badly want to act on this desire. Something i struggle with often. Too often. The physical follows the mental... the satisfaction follows the desire... I hate this so much - I hate myself for needing this.
Please don't hate yourself; everyone does things they may regret later, and you should be proud of giving up drinking and on working on this addiction as well. You may feel ashamed because you have strong urges to hurt yourself, but what really matters is what you do, not what you think. You can think the worst things ever - believe me, I have - but if you never act on them, you're totally okay.
And please don't feel bad if you feel like you're not in a position to help others now. Besides, how can you help others when at the moment you cannot help yourself? All of us feel like that at some time, and we may feel selfish for focusing on our own recovery instead of other people's (I know I've sure felt this way before). But in order for other people to get the best advice possible, you need to be in the state of mind to give advice. If you're not, no sweat. There will come a day when you feel better, and perhaps then you may want to give some advice, or perhaps not. It really doesn't matter either way. This is a wonderful community where we can all support one another, but we don't have to feel obligated to contribute if we don't feel ready or able to. Please don't let that idea guilt-trip you into thinking you don't deserve help. You do deserve help, whether you post advice or not.
*Hugs*
"It's not a dream anymore. It's worth fighting for."
"Well, if it's not real you can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it.
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah" - Paramore
What i said is true but its not a pre-requisite for getting responses. the whole point in replying to someone is simply just letting them know you read and care mostly. Not all can give or want to give advice. however one of the things replying to others do is gets you on the map and gets you known. It can lead to Pms of thanks and 'how are yous' and opens up more chances to talk to others.
It is about give and take on this site. It wouldnt be fair to just ask all the time and give nothing back. I think perhaps people think that contributing needs to be some great bit of advice or some long lecture but it really doesn't because sometime you just cant. but saying you read and care or you can relate or giving a hug or something simple can mean more to people than nothing at all.
~Its like life isnt it.......we gotta make some effort to get to know people else we wont know a soul.
If you can give good advice then go for it! We learn through teaching!
Please remember that Vets support is possibly the slowest moving part of RYL and is almost dead. I never thought id say this but id recommend people perhaps post elsewhere if in need of replies and support as its very thin on the ground in this tiny corner!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Ive made the mistake of going to the online chat before... I found very young people that I couldn't relate to, and no respect for the posted rules. Mods can't be everywhere all the time, but it showed me what I would find there...
Other sections of this forum are also very young. In my late 30s I have little in common with them, and the disconnect doesn't help matters at all. Yes, this section may be slow however it is likely the place I should be...
I'm back to cutting. Was doing so well for a while, limiting myself to less destructive injury, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't strong enough. Back to the hiding and feeling as a failure.
A slip-up does not make you a failure. It also doesn't mean you have to slip entirely back into your old habits. You've been resisting really well, and even with this minor mishap, you can still keep that up. That being said, it's a really hard thing to do on your own. Do you have a therapist or anyone who can help support you with this?
*Hugs* <3
"It's not a dream anymore. It's worth fighting for."
"Well, if it's not real you can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it.
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah" - Paramore
You can always call the suicide hotline, even if you don't feel suicidal, but feel like you might harm yourself in some way. I thought I'd suggest it because making a phone call generally requires a lot less effort than getting up and going somewhere, so doing this might make it less easy for you to "hermit"
Also, do you have any friends/family you're particularly close to that you could call? And don't forget about RYL I know it's hard to put yourself out there and talk to people when you're in one of those down moods, but talking may actually help you to get out of that mood and to feel better. It's worth a try, you owe it to yourself to feel better and you deserve support just as much as anyone else does.
*Hugs* <3
"It's not a dream anymore. It's worth fighting for."
"Well, if it's not real you can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it.
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah" - Paramore
I have ...issues... with my family, and my friends don't understand. I hide a lot. It seems necessary. The problem with something like a suicide support hotline is that I am terrified of ever admitting to that - there is a very real fear of being locked up. Same with SI - I am extremely careful not to cross an edge into requiring medical attention because that could lead to awkward questions.
Why would you be locked up? We all harm here and VERY FEW get locked up! A few go voluntarily but the overwhelming majority dont.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
