Out of the shadows

Rain Keeper · 07-08-2011, 03:48 PM

A very compasionate and caring man once told me that when I write, some people dont understand my cryptic writings. So I will write clear right now.

I have been lurking for a time. I had asked for my account to be closed.

I am majorly stressed right now with the situation of my husband. We have had our battles, and now he is battling heart disease which they cannot operate on.

I am majorly stressed with my training to become manager...I only have 3 weeks left.

I am majorly bummed because the ones I talk to are you and I have push you away from my life. I have no social life. People say nice and wonderful things about me, but I dont know if some of it is my putting on a front or if really I am happy. I think I am happy, maybe just insecure because life has changed.

I havent considered self harm in quite some time. Matter of fact last Novemeber was my last injury.

I need to reach out right now, because I am uncomfortable in my skin and sitation that I am in. I am not in need of emergent care, because like I said, life is ok, just normal stresses, I am feeling capable of handling. I think that last statement is scary...because I am handling it....WOAH!

I ask for your appologies for being away and pushing you away.

I hope this was not cryptic in any sense. I am stressed.

Just needed a hug and some support.

Rain

Margo · 07-08-2011, 05:55 PM

Rainy xxxx

You dissapeared from msn that time and didnt come back. I was worried but happy now to see this!

I think its good to post. I know why you feel you must move away from here but there really is no shame in using this place for help! Its not a sign of weakness but a show of strngth to your illness and mindset in telling it you wont suffer silently anymore!

I think your situation is a double edged sword. YOu have a situation that in part terrifies you and fills you wil sorrow and another that has mixed feelings because of the shitty things he has done to you. I feel thats playing really hard upon you. Its hard when faced with things like this.

Im not surprised you are stressed. Its a lot for anyone. It really is! You, however seem to think that you are superwoman and above help and slipping. *glares* you are ****ing ace and wonderful but you are also fragile and you seldom ever let that show. There is no disgrace is fragility.

Happiness im not so sure about. Your family and your job can make you happy but i know there is a deep sadness. This sadness i feel masks true happiness. Your happiness and pride for your achievements are there waiting to burst out but i feel the home situation doesnt fully allow you to rejoice or truely appreciate what you have done let alone enjoy it!

Its been one distraction after another and they are wonderful distractions that have you on the fast track to employment success but im scared that the girl inside who needs care and love and cuddles and protection has been neglected and side tracked. Im scared this little Rainy is going to get hurt again and again until she is sorted!

You have my absolute support in your endevours and all the hugs i have! but unless you sort Rainy on the inside you will never be truely happy and will always need to question this.

"I have no social life"

^^^^ YOU NEED TO SORT THIS!

Love and hugs Matthew xxxxxxxxx

Margo · 13-08-2011, 01:11 PM

Rainy can you let me know you are ok please? xxx

~Grace~ · 14-08-2011, 04:16 PM

Thinking of you Rain. Have missed not seeing you around.
Please let us know how you are. Much love xxx

Rain Keeper · 15-08-2011, 02:40 AM

I keep attempting to reply. I am ok. Right now I happen to be sitting in the er with my daughter...may have appendicitis...fever ...abdominal pain ...make that severe abdominal pain... throw up . Never complains... Just sat in the living room chair crying...

Rain Keeper · 15-08-2011, 07:57 AM

4 hours later confirmed surgery for my baby girl. They could not believe how strong she is... Yep... Her mothers daughter! Surgery in 3 hours... Have been up 26 as of right now! Humphhhhhhh! Grrrrr!

Just realized today is my sons birthday as well!!! 16!

Happy birthday son!

Margo · 15-08-2011, 12:25 PM

Sending all my love xxx

Rain Keeper · 15-08-2011, 09:25 PM

Thank you Matthew. Thank you too Grace!

So many stupid questions. No I am not tempted.

Yes, Matthew,you may be right.

Feeling blue.
Rain

Margo · 15-08-2011, 09:31 PM

Hows your daughter? Im not surprised you are blue. You really dont need this happening.

Things will be better once you sleep!

When things are calmer talk to me ok?

Rain Keeper · 16-08-2011, 12:54 AM

I got to sleep about 2.5 hours this morning. No, i didn't need this. Husband has been real good was up for the surgery and let me go home to shower nap and bathe. So right so blue. I talked to my therapist. She will see me tomorrow.

Margo · 16-08-2011, 12:57 AM

Its the least i would expect of him. Perhaps he can have a gold star? *insert sarcasm*

Rain Keeper · 16-08-2011, 05:13 AM

that was a gold painted wood star you gave him!!!! lol...

I had a friend that wanted to see if i needed anything....(yes I said friend

) and when I told her that he was up here, she said.....

\\\HAHA

Really, that man, really?

Things are changing, just taking a bit of time.

Soon, soon.

Rain

PS Daughter should be coming home in the am...no fever since 5 this PM!

She is a trooper!!

~Grace~ · 16-08-2011, 05:49 PM

Hope your daughter is recovering well Rain, and that you are coping as best you can with everything. Sending love xx

Rain Keeper · 22-08-2011, 12:48 AM

Thank you Grace, She came home Wednesday...broke fever again after I posted.

I am better...good to get out of the hospital setting...I was tempting things that I should have let go... :(

I start my last week at management training. I will graduate on Friday. I have been offered a position at a brand new store just miutes north of my original store. My old director is sad for me to leave, but great opportunities are at the new store(where I have been traiing as well).
My new director is excited and we have started on a good path together. He knows my expectations and goals for the department he put me in.

My mind wants me to feel guilty for making it this far. My heart is thrilled for the adventure to come. I am eating healthy. Losing weight again. Exercising. Smiling. Trying to be the me I am. Letting go of my past failures, but working through those that haunt me.

Thank you Grace and Matthew,
Love to you,
Rain

~Grace~ · 22-08-2011, 01:08 AM

Rain, I am so pleased that things are improving and i hope they continue to do so. Youve worked hard for this, so enjoy every moment..the challenges, the excitement..im thrilled for you, I truely am. Much love xx

Casper_Fading · 22-08-2011, 05:36 AM

I read this... and am amazed. YOU are amazing. To see how far you've come and what you've achieved despite everything you've been through... I am amazed and in awe. You are one of the most wonderful people I know. And I had faith you would come through this. I'm so glad you have! It will be a battle at times but you know how to battle with the best of them. *massive cuddles* You're amazing.

Rain Keeper · 26-08-2011, 12:16 PM

Thank you vey much Jess.

I kinda lost my mind last night for a few. Today is the day I graduate! In less than 4 hours I will be a full fledged manager! I am excited yet stressed. Sinking in that I have yet again hit another milestone. Questioning if I do deserve this. I think I do, just really going "wow" in my head.

Singing out someone new,
Rain

~Grace~ · 26-08-2011, 12:23 PM

Congratulations Rain, this is such a huge achievement. You have come so far..and ofcourse you deserve this, youve worked so hard for it...enjoy and well done xxxx

Casper_Fading · 26-08-2011, 03:30 PM

Well done and congratulations. I am so proud to know you.