I'm not sure what the point of this is - I think I just need a virtual hug or someone to make me feel less alone.
I just don't get it - the other day I was fine - I was happy, things were fine and I was looking forward to the future, booking tickets here and there. Then when it came to go and see the show I wanted to see I felt so depressed that the thought of going was like such an effort. I went in the end and had a great time but the feeling slowly returned yesterday. I keep thinking to myself - that how did I get to this? I can't be bothered to fight for it anymore. Everything is effort - having a shower is effort, walking the dog is effort, talking is effort. I just don't want to do anything. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Last night my best friend and I made a pact, we are giving it a year and then we will re-evaluate whether we can kill ourselves. I don't know what will happen between now and next July but I'm startin to feel pretty desperate.
Why can't I have a life? Why do I have to put up with just an existence?
I know you have to go out there and make things happen - instead of sitting around waiting for it to happen - but I just keep don't want to do anything. I started my new role today at my job (same place just different office and position) doing pretty much the same thing I did before but with some stuff added and taken away and whilst there is nothing physically to make me not want to go to work or get depressed about it- but here I am - sitting here wishing I could just go home and go to bed. I wish the good moods would last longer :(
My doctors have given up on me I think - I was either too sick or not sick enough for the CMHT here, and my GP can't do much more but refer me for CBT but they are only open 9-5 monday-friday which is the days I work so it's gonna raise a few questions. Plus I have to do a telephone session for 40 minutes and that just won't fit into my day at work :S So I'm not really sure what to do. I rang the number on Saturday and left them a message to say I was interested so hopefully that will make matters speed up a bit and won't have to do the 40 minute session.
Wow this has just turned into a massive moan :( Sorry.
"John, being brave is going where no man has gone before and with Lizzy Stark, that is NOT what you'll be doing!" - Aunt Polly.
“I told him I was going to betray you, and betray Lyra, and he believed me because I was corrupt and full of wickedness; he looked so deep I felt sure he'd see the truth. But I lied too well. I was lying with every nerve and fiber and everything I'd ever done...I wanted him to find no good in me, and he didn't. There is none.”
And I just found out my father has no time for me at work - great - he never has time for me.
"John, being brave is going where no man has gone before and with Lizzy Stark, that is NOT what you'll be doing!" - Aunt Polly.
“I told him I was going to betray you, and betray Lyra, and he believed me because I was corrupt and full of wickedness; he looked so deep I felt sure he'd see the truth. But I lied too well. I was lying with every nerve and fiber and everything I'd ever done...I wanted him to find no good in me, and he didn't. There is none.”
You don't need to apologise for posting, that's what we are here for. I don't know how good my reply will be as I'm a bit all over the place myself today but I did want to reply and firstly offer you some *hugs* and also to say that I had read.
It sounds like you are having a very difficult time with your depression. I can relate to many of the things you described, such as not enjoying anything and finding everything an effort. Please don't berate yourself for this. Depression is an illness, and whilst it would be great if we could go out and make things happen for ourselves, sometimes depression does block that so don't feel guilty.
I'm sorry your GP hasn't been particularly helpful. I hope that you hear back from the service you called on Saturday. Fingers crossed they will be able to help you or if they can't help you maybe they can point you in the right direction for a service that can.
Again, I'm sorry about your Dad. I don't know what to say there except that again I can relate.
"John, being brave is going where no man has gone before and with Lizzy Stark, that is NOT what you'll be doing!" - Aunt Polly.
“I told him I was going to betray you, and betray Lyra, and he believed me because I was corrupt and full of wickedness; he looked so deep I felt sure he'd see the truth. But I lied too well. I was lying with every nerve and fiber and everything I'd ever done...I wanted him to find no good in me, and he didn't. There is none.”
I'm sorry that you're feeling low and desperate. You're definitely not alone. It's hard to get motivated when you feel depressed but the fact that you had a good time when you went to see the show means that forcing yourself to make the effort is a good thing. Hopefully you can build on these good times, are you able to do more things that lead to positive emotions? They don't have to be big things or things that cost a lot of money, perhaps there are small things in your life that you enjoy such as a bubble bath or reading a good book.
This might work or might not - can you try breaking tasks into smaller pieces so that they don't seem to be so much of an effort? I know that will only make there seem to be more that you have to do but maybe you will get a sense of achievement if you work towards smaller goals.
It might be better for you and your friend to make a pact to get better together, to find things in life that you enjoy and what you want for your future. I know that it's so difficult to see a future when you are struggling with depression and that going to sleep and never waking up can seem like the only way to make the suffering stop but truly living can make the bad feelings stop too.
I can also relate to not wanting to just exist but at the same time not want to do anything. What might motivate you? Is there a chance that you could see an occupational therapist or a support worker if you don't have one already? They can help you to figure out what you want from life and take steps to get to it.
I hope you find something to support you through this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you for the mesage one_step_closer. The funny thing is I feel sort of okay today - Although I am sposed to go to the cinema with some colleagues after work and I just can't be bothered but I will go.
And my sleep pattern has become all weird again :(
But thank you for the support x
"John, being brave is going where no man has gone before and with Lizzy Stark, that is NOT what you'll be doing!" - Aunt Polly.
“I told him I was going to betray you, and betray Lyra, and he believed me because I was corrupt and full of wickedness; he looked so deep I felt sure he'd see the truth. But I lied too well. I was lying with every nerve and fiber and everything I'd ever done...I wanted him to find no good in me, and he didn't. There is none.”
