I'm not really sure what to say here or how to explain this. I don't know if it has any relevance to my mental health or whether it's just me being... me/strange/whatever.
I become obsessed with things, and I mean overly obsessed. People who enjoy a song may listen to it a few times a day.. Know the words, whatever. I go to to the complete opposite end. I become obsessed with it, I listen to it on repeat for hours, I write the lyrics everywhere, when I'm not listening to it I go over and over the words in my head. It happens with songs I feel I can 'relate' to. Before I didn't mind so much but this one song in particular now, it's just getting ridiculous. It's not that I love the song, I am literally obsessed.
I know it seems stupid to be whining about a song but it is all I can hear, all I think about and it is driving me up the walls. I seem to do this with a song for a couple of weeks and then I will move onto another one. I only seem to do it with songs though? It's not a case of 'oh I love this song', it's that these songs are taking over my life, which is a pretty ridiculous thing to say about a song isn't it? If I'm not listening to it I'm reciting the words in my head, if i'm not doing that then I'm writing the lyrics. I cannot get away from it.
The other issue is attachment. Over the past 4-5 years I have noticed this more and more. I very very quickly become attached to someone, bordering on the obsessive nature. It'll be someone who I feel I can trust in some way (I've always had bad trust issues), so when I feel I can trust someone, I latch onto them. This will only last for a few months or so, then all of a sudden I feel this really bad fear of rejection. So I'll literally shove them out of my life and move onto the next person. I know this sounds like I'm just this horrible person, but I'm not meaning to be! I just get this overwhelming sense of dread and so I'll just push people away, and when I find someone else who I feel I can relate to, or trust, I latch on like a bloody leech.
I don't know why I do either of these things, I suppose I'm just wondering if any of you do, and if you know why you do it? See if I can figure it out and stop both of these things because I can't stand it.
(I have been here for 3 years, this is a second account. PM me for my 'normal' account.)
Do your obsessions with songs etc, help you feel more secure? It seems like the things and people are connected. Maybe you want to feel safe and in control. [Also, things can't reject you...]
Yes, I have behaviours that border on obsession, mine too are connected with an insecure attachment pattern from childhood. I've just started really accepting it and working through it. For me, it's separating out what I couldn't have as a child, and what I realistically can and cannot have now.
I know how painful it can be.
I don't know? I mean, I generally choose songs I feel I can relate to, so they usually are quite emotional songs, a few recently have been amy lee ft. seether - broken, evanescence - my tourniquet, kelly clarkson - because of you etc.
I don't know whether any of this could be linked to the abuse from my uncle when I was younger? (or I was raped last november?) I have no idea..
I'm just becoming so obsessed with songs, and with people that it is ruining my life. I think the people thing may be linked to my past. I find it almost impossible to trust anyone, so when I feel I can even just a little bit.. I latch on. But it's doing more harm than good.
Eg, I grew overly attached to a nurse on the ward when I was an IP, we became friends, she helped me so much, she came to court with me (for the rape), found me when I had tried to end it all etc. Since leaving hospital I've spoke to her a few times, and met up with her once (but obviously she is not allowed to do this).. and it sounds pathetic, but when I think about her, I just get so upset. I grew so attached to her and now it is just playing hell with me.
I just wish I didn't get so obsessive and attached with things/people. I don't know why I do but I just want to stop it!!
(I have been here for 3 years, this is a second account. PM me for my 'normal' account.)
Erm yes with songs, but not as much, but sometimes when i hear the lyrics and relate to them. my emotions run wild, it's like as if at least someone understands, and you sort of empathise with them. I don't know if it's a good thing or not...
I, also, get really intense attachment issues, mostly relating around trust and abandonment or whatever. I tend to do the whole push people away bit by bit, because I don't want them to like me enough to get close and know the "real" me!
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." - W. Gibson.
Yeah I know what you mean, but I don't tend to do it 'bit by bit'. I'll be very close with someone, and then the next day pretty much erase them out of my life. I don't do it to hurt them, I just get this horrible feeling like they are going to hurt me, like I need to push them away before they reject me. It's just really ruining things, because I'm shoving people away who I really care about/care about me.
I checked my song count for today. I've listened to that song 83 times, that's over 5 hours of the same song. What the hell is wrong with me.
(I have been here for 3 years, this is a second account. PM me for my 'normal' account.)
Nothing is wrong with you at all, I think that maybe...its a way of yourself trying to put forth unexpressed emotions and make them real outside of you. Maybe the songs you choose help with that, and its your brains way of showing you it needs to express those emotions, so it craves the song that helps. Who knows? Friggen brains are so complex eh. As for pushing people away, I can't help but notice it matches with two possible filters within everybody's favourite STEPPS manual. If you are curious about it message me and I'll fill you in. xo
I do the same exact thing. I hear a song and I like it. And I listen to it on repeat for weeks and weeks, all the time. I do the same with films, books and food. If I like something, I become really obsessive about it.
I don't have any advice on it because I don't know how to stop it, but just know you're not alone.
Thankyou, I felt a bit of a freak because it's just getting ridiculous now.. I mean I can understand if someone likes, or loves a song but this is just getting too far!
(I have been here for 3 years, this is a second account. PM me for my 'normal' account.)
Hey honey, I don't have much advice here because my head's not in the right place but I'll try. I could have written most of that post myself, especially the part about becoming unhealthily attached to somebody & then becoming frightened of rejection & moving onto somebody else.
I'm obviously not a medical professional so don't take my word for it but it sounds like you may - MAY - have symptoms of BPD & RAD (Reactive attachment disorder). RAD occurs with people who were abused at a young age... I have it, along with BPD. I was physically & emotionally abused by my dad & removed from my birth parents (i.e primary caregivers, & my being removed from them broke my childhood attachment) & placed into foster care for a few months, moved to two different foster carers before finally being placed with my adoptive parents. Did anything like that happen for you?
I'm not saying you have anything like what I mentioned above, though. Please go to your doctor if you are concerned sweetie.
Hey katie, thankyou for replying. My psychiatrist in the hospital said I had 'traits' of BPD but nothing was firmly diagnosed.
Nothing like that really happened in my past, I mean, I was abused for 4 years (sexually) by my uncle on a weekly basis (rape every time).. when my family found out my grandma (uncles mom) did not believe me, she called me a liar and because of it, the family completely split. We've had no contact with my dads side of the family for 5 years. I don't know if that could have any link.
I just find I'm isolating myself socially, I'm much happier being on my own which I never used to be like. The OCD traits with the songs, and the pushing everyone away. I'm starting to do it (yet again) with someone I really care about. But I cannot help it.. I just know she's going to end up seeing the real me, she'll hate me. I need to move on before that happens.
I want to mention it to my CPN but I'm not sure how to bring it up. I'm seeing her in 4 hours.. I'll see if I can.
(I have been here for 3 years, this is a second account. PM me for my 'normal' account.)
