I haven't been here for so long and I think I feel incredibly ashamed that a) I haven't been able to support any of you, and b) ashamed that I am still back in this place (in my health and head - not the forum). I wanted to be so well and I thought I was over this now but I feel lost and stuck.
I am afraid of everything - not literally - I mean I am afraid of going to work - not because I hate my job, or its hard or whatever, but I just don't want to do it. I just don't want to do anything.
I feel ashamed and guilty that I just found out that our cleaner at work, (and a close friend of my bosses) who is only 40 and has teenage kids, has terminal cancer and will die soon and yet here I am, 21 and in fairly good health phsyically, not wanting my life. I wish with all my heart that I could give her my life. I don't want mine. I just don't want it!! IT would be so easy to just go to sleep and never wake up but I can't leave everything behind - my family, my pets, and my friends. When we were all talking about how this woman is going to die soon, my boss said to my mum that one of the worst things would be for a mother to die and leave children young, and the other would be for a mother's child to die before them.
I don't feel alive, or dead, or anything. But other times I feel ****ed - like flat out ****ed and all I want to do is just cry and cry.
Sorry for the shitty rant :(
"John, being brave is going where no man has gone before and with Lizzy Stark, that is NOT what you'll be doing!" - Aunt Polly.
“I told him I was going to betray you, and betray Lyra, and he believed me because I was corrupt and full of wickedness; he looked so deep I felt sure he'd see the truth. But I lied too well. I was lying with every nerve and fiber and everything I'd ever done...I wanted him to find no good in me, and he didn't. There is none.”
It sounds like you're still struggling with a lot of difficult feelings. Sometimes life can feel mundane and pointless - everyone goes through those times and you may find that, with someone to rant to about everything and some rest/some different experiences of life, that things get easier and things seem more worthwhile again.
If things have been going on like this for a while, or if things continue for too much longer, maybe it's worth considering going to your GP and seeing if there's any support they can offer? If you're having suicidal thoughts it's very important to tell someone who you can talk with.
Please don't feel ashamed of struggling, everyone struggles sometimes and it sounds like you've worked hard to try and 'get on' with life. With some illnesses, people continue to have episodes where they find things more difficult than at other times - but, as you get better, sometimes those episodes become fewer and further between. What's important is to share it with the people who care about you, and recognise 'early warning signs' so you can get help quickly.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, it's very saddening & depressing news, we all have feelings of depression especially when we know a friend or family member is going to die, I feel rather ashamed of myself as I've started getting violent rage & punched someone closest to me repeatedly last night, I feel ashamed of my actions & feel even more ashamed that I don't know how to stop this new found rage other than to physically isolate myself, so just wanted you to not feel alone with your feelings, hope you feel a little better soon x
Thank you both so much. I am currently drafting a letter to my GP to say that I'm not okay and I'm wondering whether I need to talk to one of my bosses (I have only told one of them about the BPD and stuff) but I don't really know how to approach her or what.. Or if I should even bother.
"John, being brave is going where no man has gone before and with Lizzy Stark, that is NOT what you'll be doing!" - Aunt Polly.
“I told him I was going to betray you, and betray Lyra, and he believed me because I was corrupt and full of wickedness; he looked so deep I felt sure he'd see the truth. But I lied too well. I was lying with every nerve and fiber and everything I'd ever done...I wanted him to find no good in me, and he didn't. There is none.”
Ur really brave, drafting a letter to ur GP, I'm sure u'll make the right decision as far as work goes, ur health is the most important thing but sounds like u already have the best interest in ur health, I have my fingers crossed that you can get through this rough patch, if 1 of ur bosses knows some about the BPD then sounds like their quite understanding maybe if you don't feel comfortable speaking with ur bosses maybe draft them an informal letter letting them know your difficulties, I'm sure they'd try to help u as best they can, good luck *hugs* x
Thank you Stumpy, I have decided not to talk to my boss about it - I just don't think I need to get her involved again. Eurgh I just don't want to go to work tomorrow. Why do the weekends go so fast? -sigh-
"John, being brave is going where no man has gone before and with Lizzy Stark, that is NOT what you'll be doing!" - Aunt Polly.
“I told him I was going to betray you, and betray Lyra, and he believed me because I was corrupt and full of wickedness; he looked so deep I felt sure he'd see the truth. But I lied too well. I was lying with every nerve and fiber and everything I'd ever done...I wanted him to find no good in me, and he didn't. There is none.”
I often just sit thinking of the next weekend coming around & that it's not so far off, my weekend begins on a Friday though, so I just think of pay day Thursday & the weekend starts next day, I also try & make the weekends last as long as possible most of the time by trying to take it easy with drinking, not always easy but spending time in good company for the weekend can help too x
I get home on a Friday and do chores - like if I need to tidy up or clean the rabbit out, and then Saturday we do something and Sunday is usually chilling. It doesn't really help when my sister and her family keep coming up because I feel like I have no time to myself.
"John, being brave is going where no man has gone before and with Lizzy Stark, that is NOT what you'll be doing!" - Aunt Polly.
“I told him I was going to betray you, and betray Lyra, and he believed me because I was corrupt and full of wickedness; he looked so deep I felt sure he'd see the truth. But I lied too well. I was lying with every nerve and fiber and everything I'd ever done...I wanted him to find no good in me, and he didn't. There is none.”
