The man is screaming again...

pea soup · 27-09-2010, 08:44 AM

it all goes up and it all falls down in such a short period of time.

Keith and i are still ok.

but RIGHT NOW "the man" is screaming at me and has been all day and night. i have anti-pyshchotics that i can take as needed, so i took one earlier but this time it didnt help. i just slept a while and woke up to the same thing. that scares me.

my rational mind tells me "he's not real"...but after hours or days of this rationality goes out the window. like right now im telling myself im being reasonable because im not "disfiguring" my face like he's telling me to. wanna know my reason? because i see the orthopedic next week and i cant have scars all over my face!!! that is NOT a reasonable way of thinking!!

im tired, my ankle hurts like hell despite pain killers. i have a resistant strain of staph!!! just as i thought my mind was mending, my body falls apart!! and now my mind has said F it and is tagging along...

crap..meant to say something else...
to all my facebook friends,
its never happened before, but it could because i could see myself doing it to someone...anyhow, please dont mention or even give words of hope to me on FB because Keith is one of my friends and he will have all sorts of questions and things could just snowball. but thank you for being the greatest friends ive ever had!!!

Stellata · 27-09-2010, 07:51 PM

Sounds like 'the man' is pretty abusive towards you. Perhaps 'he's' a result of the abuse that was done to you.
You don't deserve further abuse. You deserve love, understanding, gentleness.

pea soup · 29-09-2010, 10:06 AM

thank you Katie.

pea soup · 05-10-2010, 01:22 AM

just wanted to update that i havent had an "episode" since i posted this, so that is good.

ive basically been in bed for about 3 days. i saw the ortho today and thought i was getting the cast off...unfortunately he wants me to keep it on for 2 more weeks. then i get the walking boot. that will be 5 weeks in the cast but only 2 more to go..so everything seems pretty good.

i havent spoken to Keith but have talked to my aunt. she says he is doing fine and being spoiled because his arm is broken and all he "has" to do is play x-box and Wii....lol. he's "living the life!!" so all is well there.

Kelly and Kaleb are gone to his den meeting for cub scouts tonight. he has NO homework this week!!! yay!! i even get excited because i get a break too, lol. it's only a 3 day week and then he will be on fall break too :)

i will be seeing my therapist on thursday which gives me a bit of anxiety since i havent been in a while. but my case worker has been seeing me twice a month. he comes to my home and that feels more comfortable. he almost seems to be more help than my therapist. he is retired from the army and takes NO bullshit, lol. plus, he lets me be myself. if i want to scream, he tells me to. basically, he's a sounding board for about 30 minutes and then he "tells me like it is" for the next 30 minutes. he will be coming next week.

i do want to apologize for not replying to many threads. basically, i just dont have much to offer. hopefully, my brain will slow down and i just might be of use to someone again!!

love you guys :)

pea soup · 05-10-2010, 01:50 AM

I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

Kelly and i celebrated our 3rd anniversary on september 13!!! there was actually no celebration. it conssited of "Happy Anniversary", lol.

but, YES....we have been together for over 3 years now :)
and many more to go!!!