Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - I just want this to be over

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

Im so glad you went through with it.
Im so proud of what you are doing!
You’re coping really well.
You’ve got to stop him from doing this to someone else.
You are doing the right thing.
You’re being so brave.

Shut up!!! Shut up!!! SHUT UP!!!

Yes, It was my choice to get the police involved – But I felt pressured.
I still feel pressured, It doesn't feel like I am making the decisions.

It feels like I am being pushed into them.

Maybe I am doing the right thing, but it doesn’t feel like it.
If I hadn’t reported it then; I could have just ignored the fact it happened and got on with my life.
I could have just put it down to some drunken mistake.
I could have dealt with that.

I’m fed up of the paranoia, the anxiety, depression that it has all caused.
I shouldn’t have told ben what had happened. I should have just ignored it.
I shouldn’t have said anything.
My life would have been better if i had kept quiet.

I can’t do this anymore.
I really just can’t do it.
I feel like I am slowly breaking down.
Slowly harming every part of me.
I feel like I have been pulled to pieces; I feel like I am the criminal.
I just want it to end.

[Merc]

Ann, I know how dreadful and invasive all this is. But I also am sure you know it would NOT have been better to try and ignore it. Doing that would simply cause it to grow and grow...
I also know it does get better but it is not a fast process, unfortunately. But it WILL end, I promise you that.
Anyway you can get the feeling of control back? Do you know what would help you to feel that way?
xxxx

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

The controls out of my hands - its in the hands of the Police and the CPS.
Even then it just all comes down to my word against his.
So everything is out of my control.
I can't get on with my life with this process going on.

Im more distressed because of the whole police procedures.

Its **** that its happened but I can deal with that. Its not as if it matters anyway.
People always make mistakes - this was just one of them. Its fine.

But its not because I've reported it to the police - meaning that every part of my life has been questioned.

Another 6 weeks I think he's on bail for.. then whats after that? a decision if it is going to court or not.. If its going to court then how longs that going to take? If It doesn't then what's he going to do, we wont be able to suspend him from the centre anymore.

Its another six weeks with my life on hold. Because Its always in my thoughts.

I don't want to go down the route I want to... But I feel so out of control that I just want it to be over.

Whats the point in this whole process if its actually making me feel worse? If its not helping me?

[Mandimoo]

it may feel like it now, but you're stressed out with it, horribley triggered etc. Maybe some part of you is saying that if it was over, or had never begun you wouldn't be feeling so bad - but in reality, you had to live with knowing that it was wrong and you were letting him get away with it.

which is worse? this way you might be able to get some closure - hopefully.

love you, mand x

[Merc]

Mandi's right in that it will be easier to get closure over all this this way. I tried ignoring it for years, worked, I thought...till it all came back, even worse than I could have imagined.
I'd hate to see that happen to you.
It wasn't a simple 'mistake' luv, it was a criminal assault that he deserves to be punished for. But I can understand how you are feeling punished too.
Will the center really allow him back after this? I can't see how they could!!
So sorry it is all so awful and disrupting your life so much. I hope it will move quickly for you.
Have you considered any (abuse specific) couns? Tbh, I wish I had tried it.
Here if you need ok?
xxx

[Rain Keeper]

I know those words Ann. I know those words well.

I am sorry you feel the pressure the way you do. It is so hard to see past that mountain of freedom that stands infront of you. I am with you on this one. Call me if there is anything I can do.

Rain

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

If the police don't actually charge him with anything or if it doesnt go to court, legally they have to unsuspend him and he will be able to come to the centre and work at the centre as he will be proved innocent - which is ****, but if it comes to that - I'll have to deal with it.

I know its the right thing to do - but hell I think its actually worse for me to do it. as more time goes on waiting around for **** to happen, not knowing whats going on, not being in control, not hearing his side of the story - Its making me worse.

Feel so out of my depth, I feel so out of control. There's only so many times the rope can hold me until it breaks.

[JaffaKayk]

You should be really proud of yourself
You have shown a lot of courage to do this
I was once in a bad situation and dealt with it the wrong way
Afterwards i kept thinking, 'if i had just gone to the police'
Stay strong! xx

[Snow Leopard]

Hi I've been where you are now. I too went to the police about my dad and it was a horrific situation to be in. It does feel really out of control I felt the same and waiting for the CPS to make a decisionis hard too. Don't lose sight of the fact that you have done the right thing and you should be proud of yourself for being so courageous. I know that it makes you feel so alone because no one really understands what it feels like unless they've been there which is why I decided to write to you. If you want to ask any questions I'm here and I've been where you are now and I know how hard it is to do.

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

I got a phone call this morning, Right before I had to start my session at work. Seems like the emails I dropped off on thursday haven't appeared to the lady they were meant to yet... It threw me off totally what I was mean't to be doing.

I had a really vivid nightmare last night about what happened.
It made me feel sick.

I feel so week, yet everyone keeps telling me im not.
At work they keep asking me to work more, And I don't really feel like it, yet I need money and they need staff to run the sessions. I dont really have the choice.

I just want to floor to swallow me up so I never come back.

[Mandimoo]

hey Ann i know we chatted on fb earlier, but just wanted to leave some cuddles for after paddling. *lub yew* you can do this, you're strong. You had to fight yourself ... but you won, this is hard in so many other ways, but mentally i know you've got it, it may take time - but wars weren't won overnight.

be safe, mand x

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

I feel so alone.
I feel so Isolated.
I feel so scared.
I feel so sick.
I feel so hurt.
I feel so abandoned.
I feel so misunderstood.
I feel so guilty.
I feel so helpless.

[Mandimoo]

its good that you can feel and you can express how you feel. it's part of the healing process, part of being normal - reacting to things in certain ways and the emotions involved.. love u ann x