My emotions fluctuate wildly. Most of last week i've been incrediably self-destructive and been in a place where nothing felt as though there was any use or point to it, and that life was one big chore etc. If i think those things i naturally think 'why shouldn't i do the one thing that helps me cope, it isn't as if it matters, everything is crap anyway'. Classic negative thought patterns....i never claimed to be original!
Anyway, i am getting to a point. I've been re-reading the article on stopping self harm. It is very good. When i read it i feel that the person that wrote it really gets it all (that is probably an obvious statement!). It is what encouraged me to sign up to this site originally. There are so many parts of it that really make me think, and that is a good thing, but i have realised the absolute fear that builds in my body when i think about not having SH as a fall back.
For me SH is generally about controlling my emotions (unless i'm on a major depression downer, then it is simply because i can't think of a reason not to destroy myself). It is very difficult to imagine allowing myself to feel properly because this isn’t something i was ever taught to do as a kid. Btw this is not to disparage my parents who are and were fantastic!.
But this leads onto my second and slightly more shameful reason for my SH. I think i SH in order to validate my feelings. E.g when i'm angry i can say 'yes i'm angry look at how angry i am', when i'm sad i can say 'yes look how little any of this means to me' etc. Every person has difficulties in their lives, but i find it very, very hard to deal with other peoples problems (i'm talking about my real life because obviously online it is completely different). Despite this, I always seem to meet people with real problems and then become an emotional doormat for them. This means my difficulties are not allowed again. Literally beyond my therapist, this site and some family members (on occasions dependent upon their ups and downs) i don't talk to anyone about how i feel. It all simply feels too big, even really mundane things like showering is a big effort for me, jeez minor social activities become major traumas i have to survive! It is ridiculous, even i hear that! But I have a real fear of other people reducing/ simplifying/ giving the ’grin and bear it attitude’.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to say in this post, I think I’m just trying to gather my thoughts. I think all of this came out of reading the sentence:
“it simply means finding people around you to trust enough to bounce daily issues and problems off, as a way of quantifying them within yourself - and starting to DEAL with them, rather than just filing them away for later at the back of your mind.”
I found that sentence really hard to read because this isn't 'simple' for me. I know it should be, but in my head quantifying issues equates to dismissing them. And yes that is exactly what I do anyway with SH but discussing them openly just seems a thousand times worse because I fear people will say what i'm feeling isn’t important when it really IS important. I'd rather dismiss my feelings first before anyone else can. It hurts less. So i cut.
the thing is, it's not simple! if it was simple we'd all be doing it...
my view is that stopping SH in itself is not important (though would save some embarrassing moments, but my SH usually isn't health/life threatening), but dealing with the feelings that lead to SH is what matters.
haha, not so simple! though finding people you can trust is a huge help, if you can find any... I have one friend like that now, it makes a big difference to me, it doesn't solve everything but it does help. And I see a psychologist as well, so that's 2 people...
but it is hard, especially if you struggle with social anxiety and a general feeling of being 'disconnected' from people (I do, it sounds as if you do as well?)
but don't give up, it is possible to find those people, and you don't need hundreds, one or two are enough. do you see a counsellor or psych, if so, can you open up to them?
Hey romferfry, thanks for caring. I don't really need a reply, i'm more using this space to get my thoughts together.
Tokoloshe, i definately agree with your view. My SH isn't life threatening either it's more cosmetically irritating! I've been thinking about this trust issue, i like to think i'm quite a confident person but i think that is only the case when i'm in control. So i think i have major trust issues. I don't feel i have social anxiety in the straight-forward sense because i can do social situations well but i become very anxious about getting close to people. So i think i function very well on a shallow social basis, but i never form any true intimate friendships anymore. Hence i feel disconnected. I think i live with the feeling that friendships come and go so there is no point ever getting to know someone properly because they're not going to be around forever. I do see a therapist, she is very good but it is only for 50mins a week and so there isn't much i can fit in.
I've been re-reading the article on stopping self harm. It is very good. When i read it i feel that the person that wrote it really gets it all (that is probably an obvious statement!). It is what encouraged me to sign up to this site originally. There are so many parts of it that really make me think, and that is a good thing, but i have realised the absolute fear that builds in my body when i think about not having SH as a fall back. 
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