I know it's the summer but I want to get it out of the way...
Scream.
The sirens were blasting, the lights were blazing, the people were shouting. All around me was chaos, but all I could hear was a dull roar in my ears. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. My mind was blank, people were talking to me, yelling at me to listen to them, frantically screaming at me to see if I was alright. I wasn't. I didn't know how I got where I was, what was happening or why I had a throbbing pain in the back of my head, but I didn't care about any of that then. All I cared about was my best friend. My very best friend in the world. My very best friend in the world, who was lying in a pool of her own blood, 2 metres away from me, not moving, not responding to the desperate shouts of the paramedics, not breathing. She wasn't moving. She wasn't talking. She wasn't breathing.
I kept telling myself that it wasn't real, it wasn't really happening, it was just a dream and I was going to wake up any minute. Except, I didn't wake up. It was real. It was happening. It wasn't a dream. I just sat in the middle of the road, with only a couple of metres seperating me from my friend, my dying friend. Then my worst nightmare came true, the paramedics stopped what they were doing. One looked at his watch and said 'Time of death, 9.47pm.' Then I heard a scream, it was deafening. It wasn't stopping. People were staring at me, and I realised that it was me screaming. Everything suddenly speeded up, I lept up off the ground, and rushed over to my friend.I took her hand, it was cold.
A tear trickled down my cheek. The first tear in years. I couldn't be crying, not me. I was strong, I never cried. But I was, the realisation sunk in that I would never speak to my best friend ever again, I would never see her smile again, I would never hear her laugh again. She was gone. Gone forever. I couldn't take it in, the paramedics gently carried me into the ambulance. They took my friend into another one. I screamed for her. I didn't stop screaming until we got to the hospital. They rushed my friend away, I never got to say good-bye...
****
She had been my best friend for years. 17 years. 17 years of laughing, crying, jokes and parties. She had always been there for me, through the good and bad times. She had sat next to me holding my hand through my fathers funeral, through my mothers wedding, through my step-sisters christening. Now I was back in that church, with-out her, for her funeral. No-one was here to hold my hand this time, no-one was here to hand me tissues, and tell me that everything was going to be okay. As I took one last look at her, lying there, in her coffin, I realised just how much I needed her, and just how much I would miss her. I needed her to help me cope with things, but this time, she wasn't here. She wasn't here to pick up the peices, I was on my own. She looked so peaceful. I thought of all the good times we'd had together, then I thought of the bad times.
I thought of the car crash. Flash backs popped in to my head. We were in the car. She had just been driving along, we were singing along to the radio. A car came. It was going the wrong way. It was coming towards us. She swirved. She crashed. She screamed. I screamed. Then my mind goes blank. Images of her face as we smashed in to the wall swirled around my brain. Images of her crying, images of her dying.
I was screaming. Everyone in the church was looking at me, wondering what the hell I was doing. I didn't know. I ran. I ran out of the church, I was running, screaming and running. She was gone. After was seemed like hours I got to a river, this was where we used to go in the summer, just to get away from everything. But she wouldn't be coming here anymore. She wouldn't be doing anything anymore. She wouldn't have the children she always wanted, the husband she always wanted, the job she always wanted, the life she always wanted.
At that moment I knew nothing would ever be the same again. I didn't have my dad, my mum would rather be with her new husband and daughter, I didn't have any other family, and now, I didn't have her. People think that depression is a sharp, stabbing feeling, making you constantly want to cry. But for me, it was a simple numb-ness of feeling. It was knowing that things weren't right. And that things were never going to be right. I screamed.
Does anyone know how I could make it better?
Thanks!
xxx
and there she goes with her head in the clouds again, ignoring the drama and chasing her dreams. because to her, reality is a stranger.
Its good, well written, but you dont need some of the repetition like for example " All I cared about was my best friend. My very best friend in the world. My very best friend in the world, who was lying in a pool of her own blood, 2 metres away from me, not moving, not responding to the desperate shouts of the paramedics, not breathing. She wasn't moving. She wasn't talking. She wasn't breathing. "
You already made that point, and so the repetition isn't needed. Another little point would be to take out the 2 metres away, it sounds very precise, if you want a distance then say something like " she was lying a few feet away" or " she was lying close by me, not moving, not breathing, not even the faintest flicker of life coming from her."
Think about it this way, you don't have an unlimited word count right? and so you have to make each and every word count.
I liked it though, there is a lot that can be built on, and its well written in general, would love to see how it turns out in the final draft.
Jestem co Jestem
I am what I am.
If something jams, force it, if it breaks, well it needed fixing anyway lol.
Everything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
That's good. Where you say "17 years" you might want to change to "seventeen years". :)
Edit; and 'without' is one word. It's really well written though.
"When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.”
I agree with the comment that it can come across as quite repetitive. I get what you're trying to do, but i think it needs to be reworded slightly.
I think there are places where you need to let the sentences flow a little more naturally too. I can see the reason in having lots of short abrupt sentences to reflect the stabbing emotion, but there are some unneccessary fullstops in there and may lose you marks.
I think it could be good to add some description of the surroundings maybe, to add to the feeling of it being nightmarish... maybe something like 'My tears falling, mixing with the blood, moonlight glinting on the surface of the suddenly still pool like a twisting knife.'
I dunno, just a bit more imagery might add something to the feeling without having to spell it out?
Also just wanted to point out a few small things hun:
only a couple of metres seperating me separating
'Time of death, 9.47pm.' Then I heard a scream
You need to change the full stop to after the speech marks if it is the end of the sentence...
ie '...9.47pm'. Then i heard...
Also,
She wasn't here to pick up the peices pieces
She swirved swerved
I think you have a good basis for a story there. As you said, you have plenty of time, so just keep redrafting and i'm sure it'll be wonderful :D
I'm new here but I came across this peice of writing and I have to say it is very well done. The only thing I noticed , from this part: Then my worst nightmare came true, the paramedics stopped what they were doing. One looked at his watch and said 'Time of death, 9.47pm.'
In real life, paramedics do not call the time of death. They are not allowed to, they must keep resuscitating until they get to a hospital, where doctors there will take over and attempt to resuscitate themselves, and call T.O.D. when no change in condition has been reached.
It doesn't mean you have to change this part, as a matter of fact a lot of people don't know that medics aren't allowed to do that, but I figured i'd just tell you for the heck of it. I'm a paramedic in training, I guess I just kind of felt smart knowing something and decided to share the info.
