sorry ive been gone for so long.
i was doing much better and it seemed coming here made me worse.
well, now ive taken a turn for the worse.
im under so much stress. kelly's son started kindergarten last week. and its so sad for me because i didnt get to see Keith start. then he lost his first tooth, which again, i didnt get to see Keith do.
im in financial ruins with no way out, it seems. the bills are piling up. we cant afford simple, household needs. im getting all the benefits i can and Kelly has applied for hers.
it has been months since i Si'd until last night.
last night, i slashed my stomach something terrible. its nothing compared to the severity of what i used to and that upsets me. i need the satisfaction. i need the damage.
i fear i could be slipping backwards, and this time there could be no return.
im sorry for coming here and asking for help when ive been gone so long.
thank you.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
Firstly..... (lots of hugs), it is great to see you around although I wish things were a bit better for you at the moment.
It must be really hard for you to have continuous reminders of Keith but you have done your BEST for him. He will be so proud of you as a mum, and even more so as he gets older and understands you better. There are so many special moments still to come that you can be a part of, so many celebrations, his graduation, marriage etc. You did what was best for him and that makes you a fantastic mum even if it means you miss things like seeing him lose his first tooth etc.
I get that things must be hard for you and that the bills and financial situation is just going to be adding to the stress. Is there a citizens advice bureau or a financial advisor who can help you try and sort things out and maybe get you extensions on bills etc until Kelly's benefits come through?
Congratulations on not self harming for months. You should be really proud of that. Try and view last night's incident as a mistake and nothing more. I do get how 'mad' (excuse the pun), it can make the thoughts etc when the harm does not satisfy the urge but you HAVE to resist. Once you give in again then it will become harder and harder to resist the thoughts in future.
I know how much you miss Keith and how hard things must be for you but the stronger you stay, the quicker you will be able to have a larger role in Keith's life and the better relationship you will be able to form with Caleb (sorry if that is not his name :S).
I'm rambling, sorry hun but hopefully you know what I mean.
hey rach, have missed you. you're giving into the stress right now, and that's understandable, but it's a slippery slope. part of being recovered is knowing when you need help, which you do otherwise you wouldn't be posting.
what kind of psych care are you receiving right now? meds? you need something right now.
would kelly get more money if you did not live there? sometimes it's easier to both get more to live on if you were apart, but still see each other, and you don't have to take care of kaleb so much now he is in kindergarten.
hows your back? hope you start to feel better soon, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Rach,
Lots n lots of *caring n supportive Hugs* for YOU,
Sorry i dont have many words right now, to comfort you,
you are a special person who supports and cares a great deal about others and youve been there for me on many occations and I thank you
hang in there
Dave
xx
Last edited by bleedingdragon : 11-08-2009 at 10:22 AM.
Reason: changed text
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
How strange! I've just come back too. Maybe there's something behind it, afte or whatever, not that I really believe in anything like that.
I can completely understand why you're struggling with your partner's son having all these firsts when you have missed all Keith's. I get that way when I see my dad with his girlfriend's little boy. He couldn't drag his lazy ass over to see me when I was small but he took this kid to Disneyland Florida! However, I managed to tell myself that I should be happy for the kid because he has what I didn't have. More importantly, I can never have the stuff I missed now and though it's sad I have to focus on having an adult relationship with my dad. He was at my graduation, which meant a lot to me. I'm sure Keith still has lots more firsts to come and as he gets older he will probably want to share them more and more with his real mommy.
As for the SI, I have no idea what to say...We give up but we always want to do it, have to avoid thinking of it or getting triggered and when things get truly bad we often turn back to it. It's an addiction I suppose. I have no idea what you should do but I wanna say I'm proud of you for having not done it for months. Maybe this is a slip up, brought on by the financial stuff. I have similar worries.
I've missed you and I hope you can get through this xxx
im sitting here, cant sleep. and all i can think about is what i can find sharp enough to do something i can be satisfied with. i left a gaping wound on my arm a few nights ago...oh well.
im just not finished. my mind tells me, "either harm severely or die". i wont die so i must harm.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
come on rach you can do better than this. where's my xena warrior princess? the one who can battle all of this?
you must either kill these thoughts or harm them severley. not yourself, just the bad thoughts.
they have no right to be there, you are entitled to feel reall bad hun, anyone in your situation would, but do not let these evil thoughts take over. you can beat them. you know you did right by keith, i know it doesn't make it hurt any less, but you can be proud that as a mother you have done your very best by him.
you can't die, but you also can't keep harming, it's a slippery slope and you have come so far, don't you know that just another few inches there is a little ledge you can sit and rest on, but you must fight to get to it. then when you feel stronger and the slope is less slippery you can carry on your journey.
love u rach, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
kelly and are at odds right now. i had to take her daughter to school this morning because after she took Kaleb, she said she wasnt fit...well no sh*t!!!
she's been up for about 3 days on an app on myspace. we play it alot. i love it but i dont sacrifice these kids for it damnit. shes completely passed out right now and i'll probably have to pick Kaleb up from school.
Kaleb is having behavior problems in the lunchroom at school which is bringing major stress to me. i know kelly worries but she is nowhere near where i am at the stress level. i worry about this kid all the time. i do everything i can for him.
im sorry, im all over the place. plus, ive been put on pain management for the cyst in my sacrum. its horribly painful and i have to sit at a sideways angle. they would remove it but my whole sacrum would have to be removed because the damn cyst is too big. so theyve told me pain management is best. im taking hydrocodone for pain and soma for the spasms. and ive had some this morning and i feel so sleepy right now.
i dont know how much sense ive made. i did burn the other night, nothing serious but im still upset with myself.
im seeing a new doc now and she's put me back on klonopin(clonazepam) for anxiety. i only take 2 a day if i need them. the xanax had such a hold on me. i havent had any for 8 months and i never want it again.
anyhow, im really tired now. thank you guys for your neverending support.
loves.
xxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
is there nothing they could do in terms of draining the cyst to take pressure off? i know its a temporary mesaure... but it might help?
you need to get kelly's family involved with the kids, they are not your responsibility, they are hers, it's not right that you're doing so much when you are ill. kelly needs rehab for myspace! do you dare delete her profile??? myspace does silly things like that sometimes... profiles just disappear *whistles*.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
you could do with a recuperation break, somewhere kid-free - ideally leave the kids with kelly and she get help from her family, not so ideally the kids go to stay with their grandparents.
you need complete time off from everything. love you, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
kelly cant raise keleb on her own. its so sad for the little guy. and the grandparents arent that great for him either. they kepp him 2 hours after school everyday.
i so want to just run away somewhere. i havent beenm this way in over a year. im missing Keith so much, i can barely stand it. ive been sat here burning for over an hour and cant even get a ****ing blister.
SI has seemed to develop its own entity now. a mind of its own, really. i know its me doing it but it doesnt "feel" like me. it doesnt feel like anything. it just is. i know i must do it and i do. i fight it for days and then give in.
im falling so far down and kelly is oblivious. its always her problems, etc.
i know im here to help her too but PLEASE, i need a break. i want my son damnit.
i just want to feel better.
love you guys.
xxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
rach, you've seen the slippery slope rowie is on where she knows it's happening to her, but she doesn't register it as that. you need to get help before it gets out of hand.
if you need a break, take a break. if kelly needs help bringing up her kids, then that's up to her to sort out, not you. you're like an unpaid help. maybe try to take a break to see keith for a good while - a week at least.
love you, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
i will be seeing Keith this upcoming weekend. i cant wait. i want to be "in my mind" when he's here.
he has the swine flu though!!! i just found out tonight. hes been ill since sunday.
they never tell me anything. i spoke with him and he said he wasnt feeling any better but hopefully he would be by this weekend.
now, to find a way to hide the cuts on my arms. i have to go buy ALOT of bracelets to cover up. God, i hate myself.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
hey hun, have they had him tested to check it is swine flu? people here are being diagnosed left right and centre because if it's diagnosed they can be quarantined and then it won't spread. less than 5% of tested people in our area actually have swine flu, and the majority aren't being seen, let alone tested. my mum was diagnosed over the phone because she felt fluey (only lasted one night) and had an upset stomach (when she changed painkillers it went away), so very unlikley she had it, she didn't stay in her room, no-one else got it in the time scale, including chloe who wouldn't stop kissing her!
the quarantine period my mum was told was 5 days, so if he's been ill since sunday you should be fine for the weekend. love you rachie.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
he definitely has swine flu. it was sent off to a lab. his school and church have been closed. its running rampid over there. he is still coming because its my aunt's high school reunion. but he cant come to my mom's her husband is worried. plus we have Kaleb and if i get exposed and give it to him, it could be bad news. a 5 year old died yesterday of it.
i was falling apart before i even knew he was coming and then when i found out i tried to get myself together. now what???
i have my doc appt. tomorrow. she is seeing me every 2 weeks now instead of every month. im a mess.
i have 2 second degree burns, one on hand, other on arm. theyre nasty. but i wanted them so i did them. im trying hard tonight to withhold because i told Kelly i would.
thanks manda for always being here.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
hun, if you get it then it's tough kelly will have to keep kaleb away from you, as i said we were all told quarantine for 5 days from onset of symtoms, you should be fine to see keith.
put a hankercheif/scarf over your face if you think it's neccessary, i think you really need to see him if you can, it will give you a boost. love you, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
i didnt get to see him. it wasnt me that was afraid. it was my mom's husband. keith cant come to my house because my aunt doesnt agree with my "lifestyle".
"lesbians go to hell" so i hear....**** it.
i ran off to my ex a few weeks ago. yup, sure did. i kept telling kelly i was falling apart and she just didnt seem to get it.
i stayed there for like 4 days...moved all my stuff there, etc.
kelly and he have been friends for years but not since kelly and i have been together.
she stayed over there the majority of the time i was there.
i stayed drunk the WHOLE time. took whatever pills he could find. tried some new things. i couldnt face the world or reality and i still cant.
i have shamed myself to every extent. kelly resents me, of course.
she tries to be nice which i wish she wouldnt. i deserve what i get.
i just dont think she wants me here anymore. i was happy when living with my mom. i miss it sooo bad.
ive fallen again and i may not get back up. ive just sat here and made 2 more second degree burns, planning on some more. its punishment for leaving kelly like i did.
she says she loves me so much or she wouldnt have chased me down and insisted on staying there. but im nothing now.
and what is so devastating is that i was doing SO well.my arms looked amazing compared to what they used to. i was functioning, taking care of Kaleb, talking to Keith...etc.
im back to square one and i really wish i could just pass on to wherever we go after this life. i dont think ive ever been this suicidal.
thank you to all who have replied. ive missed my friends here.
loves.
xxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
