Its all too much. really need some words...*triggering*
hi,
I dont know whats wrong with me but ever since the prospect of work ive just lost the plot. More and more anxiety attacks and paranoia.
Tomorrow at 9:30 i have to go and speak to the people again about working voluntarily. They seem keen to start me. This is according to my OT.
The thing is that im petrified and i cant seem to calm myself down or re-assure myself about it all.
im struggling so so so hard! Its pathetic really!
I go tomorrow and we have coffee and they introduce me to the staff. They are gonna ask where id like to work and what they can do for me. My OT will be there also.
Logically there is nothing to worry about. Its not a full time job, im not getting paid, its all for my good but i just cant seem to make it sink in. I cant find reason. I cant calm down.
I have a cold and im worrying its more than just a cold. Everything is worrying me. Im getting more paranoid about things i dont even know why im worried about them!
I dont Sh any more. sadly i dont seem to have found a viable alternative to releasing pressure.
My ears are blocked and i feel so low. I keep slipping into melencholy all the time. I go from being ok to dropping like a stone.
Please does anyone have anythng to say that could help?
Matt you have nothing to be ashamed of, and least of all you look at how far you have come. Keep reminding yourself how far you have come from where you were before.
If you have an idea of what they are going to ask you or talk to you about have you tried, to write down your answers so you know what you are going to say may help.
Change is a hard thing to get use to even if it is a job but as long as you remember that you have your friends and a support system in place everyone is on your side and is here to help you.
It's ok to be scared of things but what i have seen of you is your not sitting scared waiting to rot away anymore and you need to remind yourself that you have changed and you are getting better and you are no longer hiding away from the world.
It takes people from the outside to see the things that we can't about our selfs. We all tend to look for the negatives inside and dwell on them. When someone then points out your positives you may not believe them but they are often right.
It's hard not to sit and stare at the negatives but if you start looking at the positives in yourself and around you, it will lead you to start seeing what people are telling you is true.
I am not much help right now, but could you imagine you are on the streets when you meet these people?
I tend to make believe until I am comfortable with the situation. Take that step Matthew. You have come a long way. Open up the blinds and look (hopefully) at the light. step outside and imagine you are with the group of people. or imagine they are your friends. Have a cup of joe before you go.
I will be thinking of you,
Rain
told you cant think straight...so follow the yellow brick road...if you can
Confront your fear. Say to yourself whats the worst that can happen. You find its really nott hat bad. Plus think about how on top of the world you will feel when you do this. When you can say yeah i met with them an it went ok. You will feel more proud of yourself then. An after your first day there you should do something special to celebrate.
You can do thiws pengy boy no matter how much you doubt yourself youhave this in you, you have been working towards it for a while an are finally at a stage where you can do it. Fake confidence if you have to, it does work to helping sometimes.
I made it!
Spoke to the OT first who was ok. She kinda freaks me out tbh. Seems quite negative ¬.¬
I saw the manageress again. There was no staff intro. Just given a staff handbook and some details on the meat counter and cheese counter and dishwasher :P
I start next tuesday at 9 ish. Just for a few hours. Not sure what im doing but looks like a bit of everything from clearing the tables to serving in the shop etc.
The Ot told me not to do more than 1 day a week as i dont get paid. I think if its ok i will do two mornings. It will split the week up and give me some structure.
One thing i find hard is to accept that this is part of my treatment. Its NOT a job. Its not my career and it doesnt define me. Its easier said than done.
I sat there when the Manageress (who seems lovely) was telling me bout getting trained to stack the plates and such and thinking OMG, 4 years ago i was Managing people....now look at me.
I wish i could stop the thoughts. I wish my head would calm down for 10 minutes and allow something calming and positive in.
I have to buy some black trousers and a white shirt ¬.¬
I cant find my old work ones. I think im too fat for them anyways :(
If anyone has any advice on how to hold on to positives and see things for what they really are it would really help.
Well done you for going. You should feel proud that you did it. Reread your first post an look how worried you were but you did it. that is something to be proud of.
And overall does it really matter what you work as as long as your happy. hell you could work in mcdonalds or any other minimum wage job an it wouldnt really matter as long as you were doing ok. an that has to be better than how you have gotten used to living over the last few years.
Yesterday i woke feeling terrible. Pretty much everyday starts and ends with that horrid feeling that you get just before you go for a job interview 9sorry bout the irony) you know that tight tummy, cant sit down cant stand up feeling. Its wearing me out.
Anyways i needed to go see my care worker to be signed off and then i needed to go to the doc about my ear. Ive had it infected for weeks and not gone to the doc and thats worn me out totally.
I saw Lisa, i went to the doc, i handed in my script, i went and bought trousers and two lovely white shirts for work, got a birthday present, came home and took the dog for a walk and made lunch.
I didnt sit down till 2pm. I sat and i hugged myself and i tried really really hard to be nice and tell myself i did really well and that i was proud. It kinda helped.
i felt better....
I REALLY WANT TO BE WELL! I DONT WANT OT BE ILL ANYMORE! Its all getting a bit silly now!
p.s. staying freinds with Lisa my helper monkey and we gonna see eachother still. so i have my first friend up here now :)
Im really glad its going well matthew. Keep telling yourself the positives, write them down if you have to. You deserve to be happy remember that. I have an ear problem too, sucks doesnt it!xx
There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you.
But there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.
I aint no abacus but you can count on me.
You will get well because you want it now. Before you were always scared of it but i think your ready now. Good luck with the job, im sure you will love it an fit in well.
Everything seems so huge and insurmountable (sp?).
I feel like im the weakest most pathetic person ever walked the earth. Other people start jobs full time with ill ness and im going for a few hours and im petrified. totally and utterly petrified.
Im so ashemed of myself. How did it ever get to this? I remember wanting to be more and more ill. I remember wanting things to be as bad as they possibly could.
No rainy i start tomorrow morning at 9 for a few hours.
I had an apt with my OT at lunchtime. It helped a little. I burst into tears infront of her. Not many people see me like that. Not even those im closest to most of the time.
My thoughts race out of control and i just cant seem to be in the moment. I keep seeing ymself failing over and over. Messing up in one way or another. I cant make it stop.
I want to be better now please. I dont want this anymore. I want to wake up and feel normal. Not scared and enjoy my day.
I want to try things new and not be petrified. I want to know what its like to have a managable level of anxiety.
Before this year when things really lifted i admit to not helping myself at all. I just wantedf to get worse and worse. I wanted to destroy myself completely. Endlessly hoping that one day i would be able to never wake again. Now i feel ive made this situation. Ive made it 1000 times harder for myself.
Im going to try so hard to get thru tomorrow i promise. I feel ill with infection, and now i have toothache too. My can it get any worse ? :P
you need to see yourself in those nice new clothes. I imagine you rocking the world over there. You will get through this....you never know will you will run into!!!! THis might lead to better and bigger things!
*smile*
As for the ear----sometimes the toothache comes first symptomatically hidden by the ear pain... you might want to get the tooth cleared up and it might help the ear infection...happened all the time for my son.
Thinking of you... getting you through...i promise it will be better...
