Triggering (Suicide) - finally need to confront/admit this
I'm not looking for replies, so please diont feel obligated or anything.
I think i need this for me
to finally admit/ face this
there is something lacking in me
i told my hubby many many years ago i was not good/made for 'long term' relationships..not in that i would cheat or stary, not in that sense
but that...so hard to explain...truing to articulate it properly..not sure i have the words or perhaps no th the self awareness yet..
so fruatrating
i ahve now let down a very very close friend by this..lack...is it my 'illness' or is it simply me? i am now coming to believe it is me. not i n self-pitying way but in rational, 'time to be honest' sorty of way
today i thought of suicide agiabn
not in a 'oh god things are tragici-just-give-up-woe0isme" but as a..well logical conclusion to a life unworthy of living.
unworthy of inflicting pain on ppl who love me for whatever reason, thur severe misguidanmce i believe.
What i offewr in return to these ppl is not worth their suffering and confusion pain caused by my lack..of..soemthing
something essential and normal and..proper...
i understand it will distress them..but i am able to view it as abetter overall option, one time hurt as opossed to a guaranteed lifelonmg disappointment and hurt that i will and do cause.
the lesser of two evils
yes
thats it
both are bad/hurtfiul...but i feel prolonged pain to those who care for me is worse
Darling... suicide doesn't inflict a "one time hurt". I know you know that. I KNOW you know that. It inflicts a life time of hurt that never goes away. I'm not sure how you've let down a friend. But I do know something... you have come a long long way. And it's hard to keep moving forward. It's a whole lot easier to just... fall back on old thoughts and make excuses for those thoughts. You are stronger and smated then that. *cuddles*
Maybe talk to your husband about this??
I love you sweetheart.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
thankl you
how sad
i moved to seruious to get replies
sickl
nor drunk btw
not slept in thre day s now
off meds
but just
not drunk
not good
anywyas
thank you for replies
but jess, i see it a lifetime of hurt either way
maybe i being selfish in that if igo i will not 'see' the gurt anymore..maybe..not thought of that
i let down a friend by ni t being there repeateldy, buy drawing away form her
i didt realize i was doing it that it was hurtin her
but how can yo not realize that yo are doing somehting to hurt someone when it is repeated day after day??
i havew always, since a child,m known i lack soemthing.
i am just seein git confimred year after year
i don not like this and after all these years if it hasnt changed thru hard work, it isnt goin gto
and i do not wish to live like this
this does not upset me
it is simply the eay it is
it has taken a long time in coming to finally relaize it and i cant bvack away from it/ deny it any longer
i have trieed
iahev cioem a long way and fought
yet this lack is stil thewre
jess, im olsd..not old old..but old enoug ht o know things will not change
i believe in my heart i have tried as hard as i can
have come a long way
but this i cannot overcome
this i cannot live with any longer
im sorry
these are horribvle posts
i just would rather go knowing ppl know the reason
por is that selfish too?
im doing it in hopes that no one wil ever blame themselves or be surpiresed
muy hubby knows
he is my best friendf ever
he know everything
but this does not change anyting
thak yo uhunni
uyou have always been so sweet and always always there, no matter what
love you too my NNSBJB
Kel... darling. You know I love you to death right? But... I could never forgive you if you left like that. I couldn't. It would just... break something inside of me.
You need to tel your hubby what you're thinking right now. Not that you're sad about hurting a friend. But that you're thinking of suicide to stop it happening again.
You may be "old" but you're never to old to change. You pin point an issue and you work on it. Maybe you work on it the rest of your life. but you don't just go "oh this is the problem, i'm never going to change. I'm going to kill myself so I don't do it again".
Go to your dcotor and get something to help you sleep. Anything!!!! But don't just lie down and die becasue you think you hurt a friend. >.<
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
i dint explain well..sorry
it isnt just because of this one time thing
it was just the most recent example of lifetime of disappointing ppl, doing things similar
jess
you know i am not one to jsut be melodramatic and say..oh i am going to kill myself because..*insert trivial fluff item here*...
least i hope so
beacause i am NOT like that
i desperately want to get better
i had such dreams and plabns
give it fifteen years and you will understand that doors close to you no matter how hard you try to keep open/reopen them
i have felt this way for 30 years now....thats such a long time
i suppose it may sound an exxagerayion
but it isnt, sadly
if it was simply letting down one friend something simple something 'noraml' like that i would not feel this way
but it isnt
it is a profound lack in me..i cant say exactly what it is because i si,mply dont knwo what itis
i hope yo uunderstand what i mean by that...
its like assuring blind person the sky is blue..jhwo do yo udo it??
thst made sense to me..i hoe pit somehow makes sense to someone else..i just dont know
i cant think properly anymore
everyone has noticed this now too
i encounter a brick wall on the simplest thigs
on relating to ppl
this isnt quite right but only way i can think to explain it...someone asks how are you/ and yo udont even reliaze you should consider saying it back,.there is a total block disconnection ther..i cant think how to explain it
its htis on top iof all else
so much else
that i cant define
Darling... since you just pm'd me about my rant thread.... I don't see that lack. I am also sure that your husband and daughter don't see that lack. You see a lack. Maybe there is one there with some people *shrugs*. But it's not there with the people who matter the most. And that is what is important. I know you're not melodramatic honey. I do know. But I also know that you're not a quitter. And that's what suicide is. The ultimate "quit".
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
thank you
thank you for not seeing me that way
it IS the ultimate quit
and i dotn want to do it
i really truly dont
it just seems inevitable somehow
it seems right
better
for anyone else i may hurt anew or yet again
thisd suicide feeling hit very suddenly
now in a dramatic/hysteric way
but in a logiacal answer
oh damn why cant i expalin/fid the right words!
havent felt this in so long
\hate htis
dotn want it
its getting close to a year free for me
bloodly mind blowing that! still a few months till that yet terue but closer than i have ever been since i was 7
so what happendd?
i jst dont know
it feels like finally 'seeing the light'
iut really does
i cant see how it is not...
im tryintg to
When you're unwell, every single thing seems like the wrst thing in the whole universe.
Feeling like giving up is something. Acting on it is something else. Sometimes it's easy to focus on the one negative thing. But I know YOU. I know that you are a wonderful supportive and loving person. Bad things have happened to you. You have scars inside and outside. But they haven't hcnaged your heart. They haven't changed who YOU are. You are a wonderful and loving person.
Don't give up sweetheat.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
jess..thank you..that..wow..just thajk yo so much. that really is what ineeded to hear.
maybe it IS jsut being ill and something i can work on..im so scared to hoe it is tho..it s been so long and i have trried and its still there...
but
amybe
maybe i can try somehowto believe that
idk
am seriously consideirng goiung tpo ER as i now know how to do it properly thru a lot of med research/anatomy review
wont say more
i was so peoud of being IP free since nove,mber tho...hate to have to go back
idk
maybe im just fine
have thought of waking hunby but he cant do anyhitng realay. there is nothing he can say unfortuantely and i hate worrying hem
thasnk you
honestly
iguess was wanting no one to feel surpirsed
felt i owed it to ppl to not just disappear, not rteally as a way to avoid/potpone it
maybe thats vain or slefish
i didnt mean it that way
so messed up rn
thank you
I care so much about you Romp and I am so pleased that Jess has (as usual) been able to give good advice. I don't really know what to say but I think taking yourself to ER and getting reviewed is the best option. It will not necessarily lead to IP but hopefully it will be the gateway to more intensive support right now. I don't think you are a helpless case but I do believe you need some additional help. You are doing really well but now is the time to let extra support in. Don't give up hun x
