Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Never thought I'd be posting this...
I never thought I'd be posting a thread like this. I am in a loving, amazing, brilliant relationship with a guy ("B") who loves me unconditionally. I can't do anything wrong with him, he's lovely to me, he's kind, gentle, patient...and yet.
I found out today that my previous boyfriend, ("A"), is in a new relationship via Facebook (stupid bl**dy site!). Now this shouldn't matter. I've been with B for three years, three wonderful years that he's supported me and dragged me up from the lowest points I've been. A was the opposite.
Whilst he was never physically abusive, he wasn't the nicest guy to me emotionally or in relation to sex. There were...nicknames (which make me feel sick thinking about, I can't even type them out) that were told to others, put downs, lies, cheating, emotional blackmail ("I've got just as much right to say we should have sex as you have to say I don't want to because otherwise you're controlling the physical aspect and that's not fair")...but yet, and I'm a horrible person for even thinking this, I want to be back there with him. I hate the fact he has a new girlfriend. I want to be the one in that relationship, I felt sh*t about myself in that relationship and that's why I want to be there. That's what I want, that's what I deserve. What the hell is wrong with me?! Why am I even thinking about it when I'm in such an amazing relationship now?! I hate the fact that B is always lovely to me, is always supportive.
Don't be sorry, I totally understand, your negative opinion of yourself is trying to destroy the good thing you have with "B" because you don't think you deserve him. But I think you realise this which is a good thing and means that you are much more capable of fighting it, and that's what you've got to do. Try with every thought telling you you shouldn't be with B or that you don't deserve him counteract that thought with a conscious effort and say no, you're wrong, I should be with him and I do deserve him, because you do, you deserve to be loved by somebody who will treat you right and somebody who will make you happy, so don't let anybody, including yourself tell you otherwise. Take care, hugs, Hannah
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
But I want the pain being with A brought, the hurt he created, the pressure he put on me. That's the real me, the one who was in the relationship with A...the thin, proper me. This me, the one with B, isn't right, it's horrible. I'm confident, I'm fat, I'm...horrible. The shy, thin me with A was so much better and socially acceptable and just...better. I don't know how to explain it but I hate the new me...so much
Oh I know, but it's not real, I think the best way to describe it is that you're scared of being you and being happy and confident and you're falling back on what you know and understand. Having hated yourself for so long your subconscious isn't letting you like it now. The pain and hurt A put on you is not the real you, it's a shadow of you, scared and unhappy, don't let it win. Have you been able to tell anyone you're struggling?
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
I've told B (but obviously not about this) but whilst he's lovely he doesn't believe that I'll actually do anything about being suicidal, I'll just carry on. And I hate that. At least A, for all his negative stuff, believed me and tried to do something about it. I have vaguely spoken to two other people about it, they knew I'd spoken to the Samaritans, but not in any great detail. One's going through some sh*t of her own right now and I can't put anything else on her and the other one I just don't entirely trust. I just want the pain and depression and the thinness back.
Can you remember how horrible it felt though? how everything was so painful? and if that's what you want back then surely you can see that your head is simply lying to you? scared of letting go of the past, of who you were, scared of the future and what could be? Don't give up on what you were fighting for when you were depressed? Don't let your body trick you into wanting to be that low again when all you wanted was to not feel that bad, for things to be different. what about talking to your doctor about it?
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
Yes, I remember it so well and I need it, I need the pain again. I hate being like this now, it feels so...fake, so wrong, I feel so ashamed of myself when I speak out and am actually confident. It's just wrong. God I need to be back there...I hate myself
you don't need it, it's not wrong and if you hate yourself, you may very well already be there. Please fight it, see that who you are is real, don't throw it away for pain and misery.
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
