Triggering (SI/OD) - am I still welcome? struggling

[midnite]

its been a long time since i´ve been here, though I have been lurking, the time has once again come when I need help. I´ve lost the will to go on, I´ve got what I need, I´ve said goodbye to the 3 people who might care, I don´t wanna dothis but I can see no way out. I´vecut for the first time in years, it didn´t help so I´ve turned back to the drugs, and though I need the highs just to feel normal, to feel at all I can´t handle the lows, I´ve lost everything and everyone, I dunno why i´m still here, please can anyone give me the answers i´m desperate for

[CrazyHayley]

Hey millie, I am so sorry to hear that you are in the lowest of places and that you've gone back to cutting and drugs. But I am so pleased that you have acknowledged that you need help and have posted on here. Of course you're still welcome, I'm sure RYL doesn't have any rules on if you disapear for a while that you can't come back. It's a support site and you obviously at this moment in time need support.

I wish that I was able to give you the answers that you so desperately seek at this moment in time, but unfortunatley I don't even know what your questions are! Not that I'm an all knowing wise one, so I wouldn't KNOW the answers, but I could at least TRY to offer you some advice and words of comfort.

Perhaps if you could tell us a little more about your situation then more people would be able to help, as at the moment all we can really do is give you a hug and say please stay safe, please try and hold on just a bit longer.

[midnite]

ok, sorry was a bit vague i guess, i dunno really whats wrong, exdcept i feel so alone the two friends i though i could rely on have abandoned me, one of the who´s been like a mother to me now openly avoids me, the other has too many probs and no time for me, even when i´m not feeling so bad,i´ve tried to keep happy, to put a brave face on it all but i just can´t do it any more.

[CrazyHayley]

oh sweetie, I too know how it feels to 'try' and make yourself happy and put on a brave face, but its so hard and ehausting that it has to come to an end at some point, and seeing what you've been through, its no wonder that you're really struggling at the moment.

Some people are blessed with loving supportive families, others unfortunately are not. As you don't have the support of your family, your inner circle of people who you can go to and feel safe with has been dramatically reduced and so I can understand that you are going to feel abandoned and alone, anyone would in your situation.

I can only imagine how you've had to try and live and develop as a person after sufferring at the hands of your dads abuse, and you should be so proud of yourself for coming this far. it must impact all relationships that you have, including just basic friendship, again narrowing your inner cirlce of support. So for you to have been shut out by the two people who you hold dear, no wonder its having devestating effects on you.

Unfortunatley different people go through different things at stages of thier lives and we all react and cope with them in our own ways. As you say, one friend has much going on and doesn't make time for you even when things aren't too bad for you. Perhaps things have gotten worse for her recently and she just needs to focus on herself right now. As for the woman who was like a mother to you, its awful that she openly avoids you and can give you no explanation or reason for her behaviour, but again, perhaps something profound has occurred in her life to make her act this way at this moment in time. Unfortunately its just shitty timing that both of the people who you would turn too need to shut away to focus on themselves at this moment.

But thats what you need to focus on, that it is at this moment that you feel abandoned, it won't always be like this. We here on RYL won't abandon you, and whilst you need to break down and throw away the 'happy mask', do it here, in safety, where people who have been through similar situations can help you with words of commfort and support. Don't give up Millie. *huggles*

[wildly insane]

Hi Millie, don't give up on yourself, there is always hope and it will not always be like this. I'm so sorry that your friends have treated you like this and hopefully the friend that is having her own issues will find you again when she's ready. I know it's not much help right now and how alone you must be feeling, but you're not alone, we're here to support you. Stay strong and keep fighting, you haven't given up yet you opened up and asked for help, hugs, Hannah

[midnite]

thanks for the replies, wish i could say i felt better this morning but no change, hardly slpt last night but thats nothing new, dragging myself through work, i know it won´t always be like this but i also know i´m slipping, the drugs and cutting are taking hold again, i don´t want to go back there, not now not ever but i haven´t got the strenght to fit it.
i really don´t wanna keep struggling

[wildly insane]

Have you been to the doctors to ask for help? at least you know that drugs and cutting is not the answer, it's just finding a way past them. I know what it's like to feel that you don't have the strength to fight, that you don't want to fight any more, but keep trying, day by day, hour by hour, put it of a little, hugs, Hannah

[Sigma]

I know from my own experience that it's hard without family - somehow friends can never quite have the 'sticking power' of a supportive family... I can also understand why you don't want to keep struggling...

BUT, I also know from experience we can build new 'families', you have coped well for a while, you can do it again. What helped in the past?Is that something you could try again now?

You are always welcome here - I think it's great when people move on and don't need this site, if they come back for a while now & again that's fine, that's what it's here for

[maria2]

I found NA (narcotics anonymous) really helped me with drugs and self-harm, there are local meetings in most towns. It will also reduce the isolation. I made some good friends there too.

Take care