Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - I dont know...

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

So, I haven't asked for support in a while but i feel as if i need the advice or somewhere to talk without being judged or without being patronised.

I've hit a rocky road again after everything so far being pretty good in my life which has left me feeling confused more than anything.

Im pretty good at running away from problems in my life and for a year and a couple of days the thing ive been running away from the most is the fact that my dad tried to commit suicide. Fair enough he tried and didn't fail but i wish he hadnt tried in the first place which i selfish of me but i cant help feeling angry and betrayed by him. So i decided i couldnt deal with that and i couldnt parent my parents which is what i felt i was doing and so i ran off austria.

However in this time of need, longing i decided to get in a relationship with my best friend, my soul mate. however upon the return from austria without thinking it through i ended the relationship.

There was no explanation no nothing which has left him hurt, withdrawn and confused. Since i ended the relationship ive been "seeing" a lot of men, which has left mixed feelings, i feel like some cheep whore, because i know my weakness i know how i can hurt myself and i know what triggers me, so i abuse that.

Its twisted, its backwards the things that are good in my life i ruin because i cant be happy. I sleep around because i know it hurts me, and i dont deserve to be happy. It makes me feel sick when i think about the past... it makes me want to hurt myself again...

I miss him so much, without him in my life im not happy. He's not happy because ive hurt him so unbelievably much its ridiculess. I cant deal with the fact that ive hurt him. because there was no need there what no need at all to act the way i did and hurt him seeing as he is probably one of the only people who has got me through my life, he has saved me time and time again from myself, i know him better than i know myself. I miss him so much. I just dont know what to do.

This may not make any sense as i am pretty stoned right now, but at least i dont have to deal with the thoughts driving me crazy, im sorry for wasting everyones time, its my fault my problems no one needs to care.

[Mandimoo]

you need to talk to your parents and your friend, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to make the move from friends to going out, but hopefully you can rebuild the friendship, it will take time but try.

are you under any professional support? how does it work out with your job/training?

maybe you could do with taking a break, seeking some counselling get back to a better place. love you hunny, the first step in being better is recognising the start to the slippery slope and nipping it in the bud, you're doing well am proud of you, mand x

[Casper_Fading]

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *tackles and major cuddles* Honey... take a look at that ticker in your sig... you've come a long way!

Maybe you could show this to him? It does explain pretty well why you did what you did! And sweetheart, I imagin he still cares about you a hell of a lot! Otherwise he wouldn't be hurt.

Maybe getting back to therapy might be a good idea? Get some help and strategies so you can stop running?

You have the strength to get through this. I have faith in you! You just need to have some faith in yourself!

[Merc]

Hey Ann!!
*more tackles* :o)
I may be wrong, but..well it just seems you maybe broke off the relationship as another way to hurt yourself. That you dont feel you deserve someone/something good in your life.
Self-sabotage, if you will...been there. It can be scary to try and allow something good into your life, to believe you DO deserve it/are worth it. That you wont mess it up or lose it...
I agree on letting him read what you wrote, or something along those lines.
Please remember how far you have come. How very strong you are.
You really are an inspiration Ann.
Love you
romp