Triggering (SI/ED) - uneasy/akward living conditions, advice appreciated

[pugdog]

howdy ya'll, I dont come in here much, i didnt used to have much time for forums. I just finished working a temporary job that had a 72 hour work week, and i finished it at 6am.

Anyway, on to the crap. I am living with my parents with my wife, and my older brother is doing the same. For a while there has been tension between my wife and my mom. Basically my mom expects everybody to put on a face and be social, and my wife is more reserved and her family doesnt talk to eachother, so thats what shes used to. Yesterday my mom blew up on us because we didnt clean the kitchen after we ate (and 80% of the mess in the kitchen was there before we made a simple microwave meal) and she ended up saying she didnt even want to talk to my wife because she cant stand her. I was (and still am) pretty upset about the whole thing, and scratched myself all over till i was bleeding (i promised my wife a year and a half ago that i would never cut or burn again, so im limited to what i do when i am pushed to si)
I am a full time student again in the fall, and my wife doesnt have many markatable skills, she has been job hunting for the past 8 months, and when she finds one, it wont be very well paying. We cant afford to move out. we live in kalifornia, and a studio apartment here is over $1000 a month. I wont be done with uni for another 2 years. I dont want the living situation to be everyone avoiding eachother, silent whispers and dirty looks for the whole time. Ideally i'd like for things to be resolved and for everybody to be able to speak to eachother nicely and have respect for eachother. I dont know how to get to that point. my mom can be very stubborn, I apologized to her last night in a text message about 2 hours after all the crap went down, and she still hasnt responded at all. my wife refuses to just put on a pretend face and play my moms game just to please her. I've been so frustrated about this whole thing that i havent been able to eat hardly anything since this happened 26 hours ago, inculding when i was doing physical labor at work for 12 hours through the night. I lose my appetite and food makes me sick when i get stressed and upset like this. I cant live like this forever, and dont want this tension to go on for 2+ years while im living here.

Thanks for reading, if any of you finished. I'm sorry about all of this, i just would like to know if theres some way to fix this. My dad is overworked and i hardly see him at all, I've thought about using him as a mediator because my mom wont talk to me and my wife wont talk to my mom, but hes never really around.

-brian

[Margo]

Wow Brian its uber rare to see you in here! hello old friend!

Its obvious you need to talk, however talking in the home is not a good idea! The house will be full of argumentative triggers that will set all parties off!

May i suggest the following: Arrange for you and your wife to take your mother to dinner, perhaps with your father. Buy some flowers and let her chose something she really likes to eat. Let her know how much you appreciate her and that you want things to work. Then bring in the more difficult things into the conversation but be mindful to use language that will not threaten your mother but that makes her feel like you are really trying hard to sort all this out. You dont want her feeling like she is being attacked.

Make her feel like you are doing this to not only help yourselves but to also help your mother. Let her feel special and needed but also assert your own needs too.

In a public place voices seldom get raised and its much easier to carry out a civil conversation.

If not then perhaps something along these lines!

You are still your mothers baby and will be till she dies! Wives often fall short of mothers ideals for their little boys. I can imagine she is torn between wanting the best for you, wanting her own space but also scared of losing you too! Wives are also the things that take little boys away from their mothers! Wives teach their boys new things. They can be percieved as a pretty big threat sometimes.

Let her know she is loved and needed. Let her know that you also need her to be supportive of you both.

good luck

Matthew :)

[CrazyHayley]

Gosh Brian, I don't know what to say and thats rare for me!!

I haven't come accross anyone in your situation before as rent with social housing in my area of the world is much more attainable, so I've not known the dynamics of 3seperate marriages having to share a home with all the confusion of hieracy that must then happen, obviously with you torn between your mum and wife.

I think ninjapenguin's idea of going out to a public place is a good idea - it is true that you are more likely to get a civilised disscussion in that setting, rather than an argument with doors slamming in the home. Perhaps speak to your older brother and his wife too and see if they've any tips on how they keep the peace?

Anyway, sorry if this waffle has been of no help, but Good Luck and I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you!

[pugdog]

thanks for the replies and thoughts, Today being the 4th we had guests over and had a bbq so we were expected to make a presence.. but there was still akward stuff, my mom now is talking to me, but just about like cooking or stuff relating to the bbq, and my wife just tried to keep her distance. im just confused, i dont know how long i should wait for stuff to cool down. i dont want to deal with this crap, but i have to deal with it.
oh, and to make things better, my sister in law that is living in the same house as the rest of is is due to have her first baby in 4 days.. my mom doesnt like noise, and values her sleep very highly.. so yeah.. i dont know things are just gonna get fun real fast. I dont know if i should try to talk to my mom about it before then, if there is enough time or something.
i dunno.

And Matt, yeah its been too long, I hardly come in chat anymore and when i visit RYL i dont have much time to look at all the forums and im crap at advice so its hard for me to try to help or whatever. i hate being always the asking for help and not giving help.

anywho, thanks for reading and such,

-brian

[Mandimoo]

hey, i'm in the same situation as you - living with my parents and husband, my 2nd baby is due in 14weeks.

i don't know how benfits work out in the USA, but my husband has been jobhunting for 3 years - 30+ applications a week with no joy. We are going to have our rent paid so we can move out. Do you qualify for anything with being a student? Even student accomodation - i think they have to accomodate your wife as well, in the UK if you are married they give you a flat instead of a room and charge nominal rent.

I hope you get something sorted soon, mand x

[pugdog]

here they don't have to accommodate spouses the same as if you were a single student. My uni doesn't have any married student housing, and those that do have it charge more for it than a regular student housing. I'm still trying to find a time to talk 1 on 1 with my mom, I was thinking yesterday i was gonna do it before dinner, but she was on the phone with my uncle for the whole time. right now shes out running errands. i really dont want to deal with this crap right now, but have no real choice.

-brian

[Mandimoo]

what do they provide for homeless people? our council say a certain amount of people per room is overcrowded then class you as homeless even if you are managing to squish in somehow!
mand x