Triggering (SI) - Need support from people who understand

littlemermaid · 20-06-2009, 08:32 PM

I am having a really hard day. Not for any explainable reason. I just need people to talk to and listen who get this.

I havnt really had any thought about hurting myself in quite awhile. Its been 3 months since I have harmed-and the last few weeks have been amazing, so how come now now when things have been so good, do I have these urges? I want to do it so bad, but at the same time I dont want to mess up my 3 month record. I feel like I will be letting myself down if i do it. Plus im at home, and I really cant do it at home considering someone will notice and that will be bad. I dnt have the same support at home as I do at school. I really need to find a therapist down here. There is just no time with work and all my other appts, and I need to get my moms help for picking a therapist on our insurance

Tomorrow will be hard I know. its fathers day and I am dreading it. How do you celebrate fathers day with a step father. I dont want to celebrate him. i want to celebrate my own dad. but he died when I was 13. fathers day sucks. I know cutting wont make it any better but at the same time I want to. i know though that thinking rationally cutitng with only make things worse.

talk to me please. I need to hear from people who understand its lonely at home.

De Stijl · 21-06-2009, 04:46 AM

I know its going to be difficult but you gotta keep your head up because the only option you have right now is to look positive. Cutting isn't going to solve any problems, it's only going to create problems. We all have bad days, and cutting will make your day worse.

ravynsoul · 22-06-2009, 02:01 AM

how are you managing today littlemermaid. that's good for thinking of the reasons why you don't want to cut. Keep reminding yourself on that. Urges are a funny thing, sometimes they strike when you least expect it. But you have done really well... you've made it to 3 months; you can continue to fight them. Reaching out here is a great step!

Keep letting us know how things are going. Feel free to pm me.

wildly insane · 22-06-2009, 06:30 PM

I hope you survived father's day, sometimes urges happen even when we feel good, when they've been a part of our life for so long, they don't let go that easily and sometimes we're so not used to good times that when they happen the negativity thinks we don't deserve it but you do deserve it and try to think of the positives, try to keep your goal, keep talking, writing things down, hugs, Hannah

littlemermaid · 23-06-2009, 04:24 AM

Thanks for everything guys-especially asking how im doing now-that means so much to me. I got through the weekend and I am 3 months free of SI and still going. I really really wanted to, but i didnt so thats good. I think i was upset and inticipating fathers day-and thought cutting would help? i dunno. cause i know it wouldnt help anything in the long wrong.

Fathers day went ok. i had to celebrate with my step family and step dad. But I went to the cemmetry later in the day, which was ok.

I miss my dad so much, but I would be ashamed for him to know about this cutting stuff. Sometimes i feel like none of this would have started if he hadnt died. Im not angry at him-it wasnt his fault. but im angry at the world and the doctors for not making him live. i fee llike most of my problems stem from his death and menot dealing properly when I was younger.

i miss him so much. its been 9 years and still...

cutting seems like an easier way to deal with those empy sad feelings i know its not, im just going to bed. i got myself all worked up writing this-probably good, i let myself write how i feel. but stirred me up.

o boy do i need to find a summer therapist big time. i need someone

wildly insane · 23-06-2009, 09:35 AM

well done for being so strong. Don't beat yourself up about still missing your dad, it's totally understandable, you don't just stop loving someone. I hope letting it out helped and good luck finding a therapist over summer :)