I just want to cry. Is that so much to ask? I can't cry, it wont happen. I guess it's for the best, wouldn't want my family thinking I'm not coping.
I can't talk to anyone about the voices. I can't talk to my dad as he'll either dismiss it as 'not as bad as it used to be' or he'll be worried/disappointed. I can't talk to the professionals as a) they are useless and never help anyway and b) I don't trust them and don't think they even believe me.
I'm almost seven months free. Of hurting myself, of ODing, of being admitted to psychiatric wards. And that's great.
But the voices are getting bad again; I'm sleeping through most of the day just to get away from them. The BPD is giving me weird mood swings, the depression is holding me back from washing, getting changed, putting on make up etc. and the ED is making me think too much about how fat I am.
So, yes, I'm still ill. No, I'm not a zombie who threatens people on the street with knives anymore. And no, I'm not destroying myself anymore. But that doesn't mean I'm winning this battle.
Zowie, i understand how hard this is for you. Firstly i want to congratulate you, seven months free is a major improvement but you need to talk to someone, could you ring Sane or the samaritans, do you think that talking about it to someone would help?
congratulations on your 7months free, thats amazing....something to be proud of. I agree with the above, that it really sounds as if you could do with talking to someone.
I dunno. Talking to people like Samaritans never really helped me. I really want to talk to my dad, but he's so proud of me 'doing so well' that I just don't want to say anything.
I think he'd probably rather you talked to him than suffered in silence, i know, this is the biggest load of hypocrisy the world has ever seen, but you have to be honest with him. Either that or give the professionals another chance
*hugs* crying is a very good way of getting rid of pent up emotion, but I am like you, it's nigh on impossible and therefore everything just builds up. If you want to tell your dad then tell him, he loves you and that is all that matters, you are better than you were and that counts for a lot, and 7 months free is fantastic but you still need help and you still need him to understand. You need to make people believe in the voices and that you need help with the depression, don't struggle alone hun, but believe in yourself, you are winning, it's just a very long battle.
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
Almost 7 months? That's ****ing fantastic (sorry, have a thing about swearing at the moment)
You are winning the battle but yes, there is still some way to go but look at how far you have come.
I'm sure they do believe you hun but am I right in remembering that they (early intervention peeps) said you needed to deal with other stuff eg bpd etc. Did they say at what point they would be able to help/support you again? Sorry, if I am wrong here.
Thinking of you.
Stay strong.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Thanks everyone :)
You're right Carrie, the EIP stopped treating me because they said I need to sort out the BPD first. I was meant to be put on a programme for people with BPD but no one's contacted me. I think I was being assessed at the day hospital for it, but I stopped going. So maybe that's why.
The EIP said they weren't going to be a part of my care again. Which is what makes me wonder if they actually believe me about the voices.
I think I'm probably getting so worked up at the moment because I'm trying to quit smoking, which is bloody hard!
I know I'm probably never going to hurt myself again, which is a positive. But I feel a bit weird about it - Having mental health problems is part of who I am, I feel like I'm changing who I am by getting better. Which is a good thing, it just feels weird.
Could you reconsider the day hospital? What was it about it that made you want to steer away from it?
They discharged you b/c the bpd (as mine does) prob puts you at greater risk than anything else. Until you can stabilise that, no-one can consider addressing your voices etc as it would be too dangerous for you.
You are changing for the better and it's good.
Good luck with the whole not smoking thing!
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I didn't like the day hospital. I was only doing art therapy, and since I'm not arty in the slightest it just felt wrong for me. Plus I'm lazy and didn't want to walk the 45minutes to get there just to do something crap that doesn't help.
My CPN is meant to see me every three weeks now as I'm seen as recovering, and even then she doesn't actually bother contacting me for about five. It just feels like everyone expects me to be ok now, so they're not worrying about giving me any support.
I don't want to. She's useless.
I'm feeling a bit better now, the voices aren't so bad today. If things get really bad I have PRN meds. Though, my dad's in charge of my meds and gets worried when I have to take PRN.
Just took my dad out for lunch and saw it as an excuse to order too much food. I've eaten so much. I feel horrible. I had such a nice time. Why did I hve to ruin it by eating until I feel sick??
I can't purge. I don't want my dad to know that I still get like this.
I've lost weight. I think. My jeans kept sliding down earlier. And now I've ruined it by eating to excess.
I'm disgusting.
