Triggering (Suicide) - Shocked at how I used to be

[ButterflyKisses]

Hi, I guess I just need to feel like I'm not alone in this.

It's been 2 years since I last cut myself. Since I was depressed.
I've just finished my first year at uni, and have been very happy for most of that time.
I've got to the point in my recovery where, well I class myself as fully recovered, but I keep looking back, having memories and thinking about how bad I was. Now I'm in a sane mind frame I can't understand how I could have gotten that low. I remember towards the end of my "destruction" period there was about 2 weeks where I couldn't face living anymore and made stupid attempts (that I knew wouldn't work) at trying to end it all. I know that I wasn't serious about commiting suicide but it makes me sad, and a little scared that I was that depressed with myself and my life to use my time in trying to detroy myself.

Just thinking about it makes me recall those feelings, those overwhelming urges to cry for no reason.

I guess I just want to know if this is 'normal'? I have moved on, I am a totally different person to who I was then, but I just can't forget who I was or what I did. I feel totally dissconnected to that person, yet I know it's still me, and therefore I wonder if I still have the capability of sinking so low in the future. This scares me alot.

[~*forever_broken*~]

First off congrats!! Sounds like, for the most part, you're in a great place!!

As to 'normal'... I've not made it that long SI free but it's been my experience that recalling anything like that, times where I felt awful, tends to bring back some of those feelings... I think it's why they tell us we should not live in the past *shrug*

*hugs*

Again, way to go :D

[wildly insane]

your past and memories are a part of who you are and what has made you the person you are today, you've learnt from the past and grown stronger, but it is still there, a big part of your life, it doesn't just go away. I think it's perfectly normal, I also think it makes us even stronger and determined not to get that low again and to make the best of life now. I know the memories make you sad, but you can learn to use them positively, take care, hugs, Hannah

[ButterflyKisses]

thanks guys.
I know your right, I just don't know how to use those memories for the good. I'm not sure whether it would help to talk about things then, or just keep them in my past.
It's confusing, but hopefully I'll stop needing to remember those times.