Triggering (SI/Suicide) - That's Not Really The Problem (Possible TMI on post 19)

[~*forever_broken*~]

I know I've not been on in absolutely AGES and I know it's not fair of me to come asking for your support as I've not supported any of YOU all in ages, but... I wrote this for my blog and thought I'd maybe post it here.

Love to all I've missed over the weeks (months?) I've been away.

__________________________________________________ _____________

So I finally found a new Doctor... only a half an hour drive over a **** load of hills but I found one.

But...

That's not really the problem...

He's an intern which means he probably won't be there for too long (internship is something like
3 years I think and I am not sure how long he has been there already)... I'm not thrilled about that as it means that, should I stay in the area for a few more years at least I will have to find another doctor.

But...

That's not really the problem...

I looked him up on the clinics web site (being a resident I figured he was probably rather young). From the picture of him and the fact that undergraduate school is four years and med school is another four I'd guess he's only a few years older than me... probably younger than my older sister... That's a little weird.

But...

That's not really the problem.

Obviously, from the above bit, the doctor is a guy. That can come with it's own set of 'worries' (OK so I'm easily embarrassed, doctor or no...) but as women, especially those in helping professions -at least when I am the one they are dealing with- tend to 'bug' me (very descriptive, I know) it's not worrying me all that much... yet.

But..

That's not really the problem.

So what the hell 'really the problem'?

My scars. My history (specifically the last four years, more precisely the last two, and even more so, that year or so from about May 2007 through July or August 2008).

Those things, that's 'really the problem'.

My scars. I'm mortified about someone else seeing them. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. People tell you not to be, hell, I tell others not to be. I've had folks in the medical profession tell me the equivalent of 'you shouldn't be ashamed'... but what they are really saying is ' don't be ashamed, you're totally messed up, you can't help it'.

My 'history'. *shudder* I don't want to go into that either. I don't want to tell another person, another stranger, that I wanted to die. I don't want to talk about how bad it got. I don't want to have someone ask, wonder, how I'm feeling... not again.

That's 'really the problem'.

[CaiteeBug]

Sometimes you just have to take that risk again and talk to someone. I know it's hard, but in the end, it's worth it.

[Pomegranate]

Ally! *pounces*

I am so happy you have finally found a new doctor and I love your new username, I think it says an awful lot about how far you have come. It sounds like you have a lot of concerns about this doctor and most of them are founded. Having said that, they are all things that I believe you can work through. At the end of the day he may be there for 2 years, 11 monthd, or he may be there for less time. Hopefully the time you spend with him will be productive and you will be a lot better able to deal with him leaving when it does eventually happen. You owe it to yourself to grasp this opportunity.

As for the scars, I don't really know what to say about them. I think it is perfectly natural and normal to be ashamed of showing them to people and disclosing your history even if logically you have no reason to be. You are taking responsibility for your life and that is something to be proud of, your history is in the past and whilst you do have to come to terms with it in order to move on it does not have to have a huge impact on your life now. (I don't know if that made sense, in my head it did!).

I think the more you get to know this guy, the more you will trust him and the more comfortable you will feel opening up to him. At the moment you are just at the beginning of your relationship with him and whilst it is a cliche....it will take time.

I'm sorry if none of that made sense but I am really happy to see you around the site again *leaves lots of hugs*

Emma xxxxx

[~*forever_broken*~]

*hugs Emma tight*
*sigh* Yes, I guess I am happy I found a new doc as well... I was tired of having to go to the ER... Thanks for encouraging me as to my worries (does that even make any sense??)... Sometimes they feel a bit unreasonable.

My scars. *sigh* I counted them last night (marked each one I counted with a washable marker so I wouldn't get confused)... I've got 453 give or take . GAH.

My user name. Yeah when I changed it I realised it could be taken differently than I wanted it to be... but I had to wait to get it changed back... I'm hoping James will let me go back to *~forever_lost*~ *shrug*

Love you Emma and I'm SO so glad to 'see' you.

Cait~ yeah, I'm going to suck it up and do it... but that doesn't mean I have to like it

[Pomegranate]

Your worries are not at all unreasonable. I don't even dare to count my scars lol. I think you need to try and see them as just simple skin blemishes. They are nothing evil or shameful, regardless of what your head might tell you. They are just marks of a struggle filled past (god I sound cliched lol) but it's true.

I know your username does suggest a transformation which perhaps you are not quite at but I like it because it seemed so much more positive than the old one. It is up to you which one you are more comfortable with though. I am just really proud and happy that at least part of you is looking forward.

[~*forever_broken*~]

Love you Emma :)

Skin blemishes? Mmmm, I wish I could but there's no way to convince myself, I don't think. They are DEFFINATLY scars, and I hate them
I probably shouldn't have counted them but I was feeling a bit morbid.
*sigh* So stupid, I don't want to go... and I can't even bring myself to cut to feel better (though I would really REALLY like to... to bleed...). But that would just be something I might have to answer for on Monday... and besides I guess I don't really NEED to... damn.

Sorry, just rambling

[Casper_Fading]

Scars and scars and they're there whether you like it or not yes? Instead of going "oh dear i ****ed up so badly and now everyone is going to hate me as much as I hate myself for doing this" which is totaly bullshit. Think "ok, they're going to see my scars which are a physical sign of the mental struggle i've been through in the past and that i'm going through now".

Ally I love you my American twin but you're shocking for putting negative twists on anyhing that is even slightly positive.

Okay so you may need to find a new doctor? So? At least you have a doctor rght now! You cna express your worries to that doctor and ask them to help you find a new doctor when they have to live! *cuddles you tightly* I love you honey. And despite everything, you've gotten through this! You're still getting through this. I love you heaps honey. You know where I am! *cuddles*

[~*forever_broken*~]

lol 'Told what for' by my Aussie twin Jess


I can't see them as 'just scars' though or 'evidence of what I've been through'... it's much easier said than done. I am ashamed of them and I hate them


And you're right, I am shockingly good at that. Honestly I'm not all that excited about this new doc period. It's not just that I'll have to find another one... I don't want to really tell this one anything (it's not just him), not even that I am 'worried' (not worried really but I can't think of another word for it) about what happens when he leaves... ugh how stupid and needy does that sound?

Anyway I'm kind of feeling like I really don't have a problem... taking up space here is all... may delete thread (of course since I can't even spell it... lol)...

[Pomegranate]

I think maybe it is easier to assume that it will all go wrong than to actually hope it might help. You need to get over that mind set though because whilst you are in it then you will never truely feel better. It is not stupid or needy to be concerned about him leaving but it would be silly to let that concern prevent you from benefitting from the help and support he is offering at the moment. I know it is hard but you need to try and ignore those doubts for now.

Please don't delete your thread *leaves lots of hugs*

[~*forever_broken*~]

Had my doctors appointment today and, thankfully, survived it. This is more than likely because it was just to talk about my meds and apparently he knew nothing of my history (needless to say I only told him what I needed to).

Unfortunately I am supposed to go back in two weeks for a 'full exam' (ladies, you can sympathise I am sure). The only bright spot of that is that apparently the guy I saw today, nice as he was, will not be doing it as he is not actually my PCP.

Having said that I am going to take a moment to sound immature and silly.

Don't make me go to this... I don't want to :'(

Love you all.

[Pomegranate]

I know you don't want to Allie and you know we can't make you. In the UK, you don't have to have an internal until you are 25. If you aren't comfortable with part of the exam then you can always refuse or ask to see someone else. They won't refuse you treatment because you refuse part of the examination, they can't for one thing!

I think you did really well today opening up. I think you are really strong hun. It is not immature or silly to be concerned, you have every right. Just try not to dwell on it. This person will not harm you. You will be ok xxxx

*massive hugs and love*

[Casper_Fading]

WHeh I had my first papsmear it was scary as all ****. But the ladies were soooooooooooo lovely. They deal with that fear from clients every day. Don't be scared about it! *cuddles*

[~*forever_broken*~]

Ah, you are forgetting, dearest Emma, that I am already 25 (OLD, I know ;)).

And... it's not that I'm 'scared' exactly, Jess dear, I just... really don't want to... just the thought makes me want to cry (though that's probably due in part to the fact that I am SO tired)... *sigh* I can't explain it. I've actually already had one several years ago and was told that I could wait a few years until the next.

I just don't want to... not any part of it

So silly...

Love you both, thanks so much.

[Casper_Fading]

I turn 25 this year too alyness! *cuddles* I love you. If you don't want to, then tell them you don't want to ad don't do it!!!! *nos*

[~*forever_broken*~]

lol Jess :D Actually I will be *cough*26*cough* on my next birthday (September) Shocker, I know, lol

*sigh* Yes... but it has to be done eventually so why not now I guess *shrug* I'm never going to like it. But the last time I was able to kind of pretend the gal wasn't there (ah the perks of dissociation, lol)... hopefully that will kick in again this time.

[Casper_Fading]

I know you're like... almost exactly a year older than me! cuddles*

That's a good point you know! WHy NOT now? It's not going to go away. It's not going to get easier. So have it now, panic and freak out over it but it will be over and done with pretty quick! *cuddles*

[~*forever_broken*~]

lol yes, I'm so very old :D

*sigh* *nods in agreement* Yes... but I've got about a week and a half to fret about it ;) :s

[Casper_Fading]

I suggest forgetting about it. *nods* There is nothing you can do to change what's going to happen, so trick your mind into thinking about something else! *cuddles*

[~*forever_broken*~]

So I went. And it sucked. Big time. First of all it was embarrassing. She hadn't even looked at the file the last place I went to sent down and so when she saw the gloves I had on (my favorites, black with three hot pink bands around them that go to my elbow) she asked about it and then things got weird because she didn't already know and I was expecting her to. She didn't comment on the scar on my chest (and there's no way to miss it during a breast exam ) but when she went to palpate my abdomen and saw the phrase 'I can't' I carved there she was noticeably nonplussed. I asked her not to read my scars. She asked me the tired old questions 'what does it help' and the like and two new ones (for me anyway) 'It must hurt' and 'And bleed'. To those I just answered 'Yes, it does' (what did she want me to say?).

Then it was embarrassing just because of the nature of such an exam (makes me wish I was a guy).

Then it was embarrassing because for some reason I just about jumped off the table when she first touched me (seriously, I jumped so badly I apologized) even though she had warned me.

THEN it was embarrassing because (here's the TMI so stop reading if you'd like) she had a hard time doing the exam and kept saying 'it's so tight' and 'I've never seen one so tight' and all that good stuff. And it hurt like a mother (I actually swore a few times... I try and not let it show when I'm in pain but I really couldn't help it here ). She kept telling me to try and relax and at one point I said 'I'm trying but I can't'... it just hurt too bad. And at another point she said she'd try again with a smaller one and I said 'or we could just not' but since I had sex ONE time (yes, I know, it only takes once) she wanted to do it.

... and I feel awful . Like, depressed or something. Getting drunk tonight (couldn't last night cause I was volunteering for the domestic violence/sexual assault group I volunteer for)... that should make it go away for a bit. Bought a stuffed dog last night when I got back in to town after the appointment, lol. He's been rather nice to have to cuddle.

... but I don't know why this would make me feel this way ... What about the thought of it, the memory of it makes me want to cry, causes me to stare into space, to lose my concentration...

*sigh* Sorry for the whine... but I don't really have anyone to tell this to except you all... I haven't been supporting and I feel bad but... *shrug* I do love you lovely people...

[shadowedseraph]

That sounds awful *massive hugs* take care of yourself we don't mind you not supporting you have to look after yourself first *more hugs*