Triggering (Suicide) - Nothing to live for now

[airwolf282]

I have no future. So I have been told today. Maybe not in so many words but the message was clear.

I am halfway through my course at college but to go on to a more advanced one would be professional suicide because no one will take me on if I don't have on the job training to back it up. The only way I can do that is through a traineeship. I'm not capable of working full time in the next two years and the minimum hours I could do as a trainee would be 21. If I go over 15 hours per week I lose my pension. 21 hours at trainee pay rate IS NOT enough to survive. I'm 27 yo and not some kind of mummy's boy living with his parents. I would have to starve. Not only that but I would have to pay full price for medications, vehicle registrations, doctor visits and so on. I would be financially even more ****ed up than I am now. And I cannot use the skills I already have because I can't cope with the stress in those industries let alone being treated like a piece of **** and being able to be fired for nothing. I can't stand the idea of being retired at 27. We struggle like ****ing hell to pay the bills and rent every fortnight because of the lousy pay from the pension. I have no intention of living like this forever, it just isn't worth it. When I found out about this I wanted to kill myself so badly. I will not be missed. Every dumb ass red neck hick inbred son of a whore in this shitty town looks at me as some kind of bludger who is too lazy to work which couldn't be further from the truth. It would be even worse in the city because the rent would be sky high and I would be forced to live on the streets. I will kill myself before it comes to that.

So I effectively will never work again and I'm only 27 years old. I will be forced to live praying that I will have enough money next fortnight to put food on the table. Thanks to the mother****ing beurocrats at centrelink I already am losing weight because I can't afford to eat properly. Lets face it, canned soup and toast isn't a substaintial diet but it's all I can afford after the rent and bills are paid. I would rather die right now than live through a lifetime of this. I have been thinking about ways to do it and I don't know if I can find anything worth staying for. I'm holding back my wife who could do so much better without me. She has made so many sacrifices to look after me but it's really being wasted on a lost cause. I'm not going to be putting her through this forever. I should be providing for her. We should be able to have a family and not have to worry about starving and having our electricity cut off or being evicted. It would all be better for her, everyone else and myself if I wasn't here.

I don't know how long I can hold on. It's just completely hopeless and a life that really isn't worth living. I'm so unsafe right now and threw away the last six weeks or so because I've been cutting again. The sad part is that it isn't really working for me anymore......everything just seems too hopeless.

[Merc]

I can relate alot to that. I have also just been put on 'early retirement' due to not ever being able to work again.
The strain and guilt is enormous.
BUT...what everyone keep s telling me is to remember; we DID NOT choose this, we didnt wake one day and say 'hey! im tired of working..i'll just go on ER'.
Yes, it SUCKS! YES, its hell to come to terms with (i still havent). But im beginning to learn (weelllll, trying to) that (right now) there is nothing i can do about it. I AM too unstable to work.
So, i hope to use this time to help ME. To get myself healthy.
Another thing to think of; if it was your wife in your position...would you feel she was dragging YOU down?? Or would you simply support her and do all you can for her?
And suicide, which often seems a good, sometimes only, solution at these times, would only leave your wife feeling she failed you, the person she loves.
Remember?
"In sickness and in health..."
I know you didnt expect it this way...but it still holds...
Are you talking to anyone (except us?)
If not, would be a great idea....
pls keep us updated
love ya nate
romp

[ravynsoul]

hey Nathan,

Sending you lots of hugs. That's definitely not news you wanted to hear. But as Romp said... you did not choose this. It's hard not to feel guilty and bad about it, but it's something you can't control. I don't believe suicide is the answer and I believe if you asked your wife she would say the same thing.

Keep fighting hun, I don't have much words of wisdom, but I care about you and do not want you to die.

[airwolf282]

I'm booked in to see the counsellor today in about 8 hours from now. Still feeling really crap but I will let you know how it goes. Thanks for your replies, it means a lot to me that some people here care about me. Love you too, Romp and Shell, very dearly. I don't want to leave you behind either. I just feel so hopeless right now.

[Merc]

Not sure if you have gone already?? If not, why not take your post? Then if you find it too difficult to say everything you can simply hand them that to read....ive had to do it several times and it at least gets it out there so you can then start to deal with it.
I hear you about the hopeless feeling. Perhaps, after seeing the couns., you can tell yourself that you have taken a step (a difficult one) towards looking after you!
I'm proud of you for booking the appt. I know when you feel so low it can be so hard ( and feel pointless) to do anything, so be proud you managed it.
*waits to hear how it went*
love ya
romp

[wildly insane]

Hi Nathan, How'd the counsellors go? Am so sorry to hear about the college course, but I understand. how many times have I been told I can't get a job without experience but I can't get experience without being given a job and I need the money. Romp's right though, your wife is with you because she wants to be, she wants you in her life for better and for worse, whatever you may think, she would not be better off without you. take care, hugs, Hannah

[airwolf282]

Hi and thanks Romp and Hannah for the replies. I did go to my college's counsellor but it was only an initial appointment so she could get to know me, what I'm having trouble with etc. I didn't think to print out my post, it would have been a great idea....it just never crossed my mind

I have another appointment next Thursday. Hopefully I will be able to talk to her more in depth about how I'm feeling, though 6 days seems like an eternity to wait. I'm still feeling really miserable and it seems that the idea of living a somewhat normal, independent life is an illusion. I feel so horrible, I don't feel like eating, sleeping or anything. It all just seems like a lost cause. Not a minute goes by without the thought of ending it all now and saving many month and years of unnecessary suffering.

I am a useless husband to my wife. She will be 34 this year and there is no way in hell that we are ever going to have children. I just can't provide for her because I'm a worthless mental case and she really deserves better. We can't have children, we'll never own our own home. We'll be renting forever. I don't doubt that she loves me but she deserves so much more. She needs someone who can support her, provide for her and take care of her, take her away for holidays etc. She doesn't need some worthless loser who has no hope of getting a job and who cannot even wear short sleeves without revealing evidence of self injury. I really want to punish myself. I deserve to hurt and bleed. I deserve to be labelled a mental freak because that's exactly what I am. It wouldn't make a difference what I think anyway, society has already given me that label and it cannot be taken away.

[Merc]

Glad you went. Just because you didnt print the post this time doesnt mean youcant have it for the next time hun. It is easy to overlook to things when you are in hell and struggling so hard. Its ok, really.
There's always another chance.
Honestly, if your wife felt as you think she does, would she still be with you??
And honestly, you would be surprised at how you can actually manage a child/cost when the time comes.
We had, of course, hoped to own our own home...it isnt to be. Doesnt mean we dont have a nice home.Yes, we would love it, but it isnt to be. But at least what we have is filled with love.
Have learned love and friendship mean a whole lot more than property.
Many ppl can own a 'house'...not as many have a 'home'. There is a huge difference. Your wife doesnt need fancy holidays, etc..she only needs YOU..the man she loves. No matter what.
I understand how the months/years ahead seem, right now, an illusion....and just more pain filled days.
But by having the courage and strength to reach for help can change that.
Yes, you feel awful now and hopeless...but things can and do change. And it sounds like you want them to change, which is the first step.
I'm not implying it will be easy..it wont. But dealing with your issues and working on them will gradually ease things, bring you new hope. Things that are hard to see right now.
But with your strength and courage, i believe you will make it.
And we'll be here, along the way, encouraging when you need it and cheering each new accomplishment.
Am very proud of you for being able to fight despite how low and hopeless you feel right now.
That takes alot...dont forget that.
Here if/when you need
lots of love
romp

[airwolf282]

I just printed out the original post. I have an appointment with my counsellor on Thursday. I will show her then but I'm just scared about how she will react. She might think that can't help me Will she think that it's too much for her?

I'm just feeling so scared, confused and unsure right now

Nathan

[Sigma]

Hi Nathan - sorry not to reply earlier, I don't always have access to a computer at the moment...

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, and I hope the counsellor helps. I know it seems like a no-win situation at the moment, but there is a way forward somewhere, even if you can't see it at the moment. I never predicted the sort of work I'm doing today, and there have been times when I thought I'd be unemployable. But everything I've done - studying, voluntary work, low-paid low-skilled jobs - has been a step along the way. What you're doing is a step forward. It might be a step towards something that at the moment isn't in your mind at all, or it might be that there is a way to get the training (unpaid for now?) and you will be able to continue with 'Plan A'. Either way, what you're learning (including getting into the habit of studying and all that involves) will pay off.

So please don't give up on it all...

love and hugs
Ax

[Merc]

No, nathan, I don't think she will feel you are 'too much' for her in the way you are thinking. However, she may refer you to someone else just because she feels their experience/treatment would be the best suited for you to help you overcome and learn to deal with everthing.
It will not be a personal reaction to you...ie: that you are not 'helpable'..simply she will be doing her job and getting you the best care.
Hopefully, tho you can stay with her as i know it is hard to start over with someone else.
Good you printed the post. you can either just give it to her or use it to prompt yourself, whatever feels right for you.
Also, all that hannah said is so true...no education is ever 'wasted'...it can always be transferred in some way to most other things, be it the direct knowledge or the path you took (studying/researching) to achieve it.
Try to be proud of the fact that you did take the course. That in itself is a huge step. Don'e overlook it.
Keep us posted ok??
love ya
romp

[ravynsoul]

Hey Nathan,

How are things going? Just wondering how your appointment went.

Hugs!