Contains sexual abuse - Reprocessing Trauma

taibhse · 25-09-2024, 06:52 PM

I am a member using a different account for privacy. People will probably guess who I am and that's ok I just don't want external people to know so please don't mention my name.

I don't really know where to start with this. It's nothing serious really. I'll probably be a bit blunt with some things like body parts so don't read if you're not up for that.

So, I found a lump on my vagina and eventually went to the GP about it. I have never had sex so haven't had a smear test or anything and this was the first time I had to have someone look down there. It was awful. She couldn't find the lump and then she asked me to try and find it and I couldn't find it either. I had to stand up half naked touching myself. I felt like I was doing something sexual and wrong and sex is just wrong and bad (in my mind, only for me). I was thinking a bit about past things that have happened to me which only made it worse. I labelled what one guy did to me as just being teenage guy behaviour and then another instance as prolonged sexual harassment. I was getting so distressed after the GP appointment and a few days later I managed to speak to a female CPN on Duty who labelled what happened with the guys as sexual assault. Looking at it both instances some of the things that happened were definitely sexual assault but I had never labelled it as that so it's like I'm just now processing the trauma.

I feel like I need to talk to my own CPN (who is a guy who couldn't even say the word buttocks to me without using a weird voice) and I was all prepared for my appointment this Monday but he phoned in sick and now he's going to be off for a while on annual leave so it will be a long time before I see him and kind of feel like I might not have the courage to talk to him any more. I don't feel able to phone Duty either just in general for any reason. I have no one I can talk to if I don't phone Duty but like I said I feel like I need to talk to my own CPN, I have already discussed some things with Duty.

I feel so alone and bad. I feel like I am to blame for what happened in the past because I said no to things but the guys used their physical strength against me and eventually I just gave up trying. So I let them do what they wanted, so it was my fault and my choice. These two guys never thought they did anything wrong. One of them I went to school with and he still Fb messages me sometimes although I have not responded for about a year but it's traumatic when his name pops up. I don't want to block him because he'll wonder why and he knows where I live and might try to find other ways to get to me so it's easier to just ignore his messages.

I don't know what I want from this. I'm sorry it's long. Everything feels like one big secret that must be kept.

Pi.R^2 · 29-09-2024, 04:30 PM

First off well done for going to the doctor about it! Especially if you've never had a smear or anything, it must have been really scary and I'm sorry that you weren't able to find it and so it was just dead stressful. On the medical front- have you since found it again? If it hasn't actually gone, you probably do need to get it checked out again at some point I'm afraid :(

I'm sorry that your CPN is such a big baby. I hope that when he's back you do tell him about it, if it's still on your mind. Hopefully if you are talking about body parts in a really serious context he'll not be so childish and listen respectfully and supportively.

These are big things and even if previously they didn't seem to affect you, the fact that sex feels inherently 'bad' to you suggests that they really did have in impact. Sex is fun and feels good and it's devastating that trauma can taint that.

Your reasons for blaming yourself are, quite frankly, rubbish and I imagine if you look at it from an outside perspective you can acknowledge that. It makes logical sense to stop trying to resist when you know that you are overpowered - continuing fighting is likely to just get you more hurt.

I'm sorry that the guy still messages you, how gross. I can see why you wouldn't want to block him. There is an option of turning off notifications and also archiving and honestly I don't know how it works but at least on the whatsapp, archiving makes it way easier to not see any new messages. If you want, you can try it out by archiving me then getting me to send you a message and you can see if that makes notifications less noticeable?

You can talk about it here as much or as little as you need to. It's your space and you can use it to try to process the things that happened if that would help.

taibhse · 29-09-2024, 07:14 PM

Thank you.

Yes, as soon as I came home from the GP appointment I checked for the lump and found it straight away. Typical. The GP had said it doesn't sound serious because we couldn't find it and it could be something like oil building up into a cyst. She said to keep an eye on it and come back if it changes. I do reckless things so ended up trying to cut it open and I thought it got smaller but it actually hasn't. Everything has healed up fine though.

Sex also feels bad because of things that happened in my childhood. Even you just saying it is fun and feels good makes me want to hurt myself. I feel kind of vulnerable in general but don't know if anyone else would consider me vulnerable. When things happen and people tell me to do things I don't want to do and I feel distressed I feel a bit like a child and powerless and I just do what I'm told. I can't speak up for myself. One of the guys used to get really angry too if I didn't turn up at uni even though I made up an excuse that I think he believed. He bothered me throughout a semester at uni because he was in one of my classes. He said he was making a film about a man who was attracted to children and he wanted me to be in it but I could keep my pants on but not my bra. I was able to say I didn't want to do this at least. I think he was basing the film on himself. I think he was a guy who was attracted to children. He only liked me because I look young for my age and I was about 19/20 so looked even younger. He masterbated in front of me and kept telling me to touch his penis so eventually I did. I didn't have to, that's all on me. It felt horrible and I quickly pulled away. He went to the toilet one time and came out with dried semen on his hands and held my hand like that. He was always holding my hand and I just went along with it. I really didn't feel like an adult. I still don't feel like an adult.

The other guy is messaging me on Fb. I can maybe look into ways that I wouldn't get the notifications without actually blocking him.

I really just want to talk to my CPN or someone in person. It's difficult not knowing when my next appointment with him will be because it would be helpful to have something to hold on to.

The Worst Witch · 30-09-2024, 07:59 AM

I can concur that archiving messages on whatsapp makes it harder to see new ones, my family group chat is archived (purely because theres so many new messages every day its easier to read them at a specific time of day). This works even better on facebook - on messenger, click on the conversation and it should come up with the option to archive the chat. I’ve had to do it with a few people because like you, I don’t feel like I can block them. It then goes into a specific folder you can’t see, you have to physically go looking for the conversation in order to see any new messages. I’m sorry the guy is creepy and won’t leave you alone - if someone hadn’t messaged me back for a while, I’d take it as a hint they may not want to talk to me so I don’t get why others persist, especially after a long time.

In terms of the other stuff, I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but by the country you live in laws, you are considered a vulnerable adult. I can explain the law that applies if you think it would be useful, it certainly was in my case but it can be triggering to know that its a thing if you know what I mean. Also if you don’t want location and your name used, you can pm me or leave a comment on here if you want me to explain it,

Touching his penis is NOT on you. You were in a situation wjere he continually asked you to do so, you only did because (I’m guessing) you thought it would be less trajmatising than not doing it and having him ask you all the time. I’m sorry you went through that - it is absolutely not ok for someone to film you or get you to touch them without your consent, even in non sexual situations. He would have known that and taken advantage of the situation, that DOES NOT mean that it was your fault.

I hope you’re able to speak to your CPN soon amd thst he stops beimg a big bany in discussing things like this with you. It might be easier to ask for a female CPN, but I understand this may be difficult for you to do.

taibhse · 30-09-2024, 02:48 PM

Thank you.

I followed your instructions and have managed to archive the conversation on Fb so thank you for that.

I have just kind of read up on what a vulnerable adult is and I see it says that mental illness and trauma can make someone vulnerable. I just feel like I am stupid and acting childish though.

When my CPN was talking about buttocks it was just in the situation where I might have been going back on a depot and he was wondering how I'd feel about him giving me it. We've never spoken about the sexual trauma stuff. I have only spoken about it once to a female CPN on Duty and I'm hoping she made some notes that my CPN will have read to make the conversation easier.