Falling apart
Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I am absolutely at the end of my tether and I don't feel like I can be completely honest with anyone I know IRL. I was also debating whether to put this in the self-harm forum, but I think that the SH is only one part of the problem here, so I'm putting it here instead.
I am 17 and developed serious mental illness at age 12. I self-harmed for a number of years and had serious suicidal tendencies (one hospitalisation). I dropped out of high school and things got better for me for a while- no self-harm for 3 years, better wellbeing all-round. Things never got 100% better, and I am autistic which also complicates things, but it was probably the happiest period of my life.
Late last year (2021), things started going wrong for me again. I was starting at college, and while I mostly enjoyed it, the stress of going into a place full of people every day was a lot for me. I relapsed into self-harm after 3 years, initially just with one incident. Then in January 2022, a friend of mine from high school, who I was previously very close with, died by suicide. I really struggled with this. I stopped going to college, had another self-harm relapse- I think two incidents right after my friend died, then a gap of a couple of months, and now it's a regular thing again. I am also having the most serious suicidal thoughts I have had in years. I really struggle to judge how "serious" my thoughts are, but I have thought about plans and methods, and even some timings, although I haven't stuck to them. It might also be worth mentioning that I am questioning whether I have some kind of dissociative/trauma disorder, but this is entirely speculation on my part.
I have a therapy appointment tomorrow that I moved forward from Wednesday, but I don't want to tell my therapist everything, because she would have to refer me to hospital/tell my parents, and I can't go back to hospital. My parents feel guilty over missing how ill I was before, I think, and so they locked painkillers and stuff up for years after I stopped being suicidal the first time round. I can't have them not trusting me for another 6 years.
I am not coping day-to-day, and I feel so useless and like there's no point in me being here. Sorry this post is so long, but I can't hold it in anymore.
Last edited by missyoualways : 15-05-2022 at 10:14 AM.
Reason: Added reasoning for not putting this in the self-harm forum
|