Falling apart

[missyoualways]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I am absolutely at the end of my tether and I don't feel like I can be completely honest with anyone I know IRL. I was also debating whether to put this in the self-harm forum, but I think that the SH is only one part of the problem here, so I'm putting it here instead.
I am 17 and developed serious mental illness at age 12. I self-harmed for a number of years and had serious suicidal tendencies (one hospitalisation). I dropped out of high school and things got better for me for a while- no self-harm for 3 years, better wellbeing all-round. Things never got 100% better, and I am autistic which also complicates things, but it was probably the happiest period of my life.
Late last year (2021), things started going wrong for me again. I was starting at college, and while I mostly enjoyed it, the stress of going into a place full of people every day was a lot for me. I relapsed into self-harm after 3 years, initially just with one incident. Then in January 2022, a friend of mine from high school, who I was previously very close with, died by suicide. I really struggled with this. I stopped going to college, had another self-harm relapse- I think two incidents right after my friend died, then a gap of a couple of months, and now it's a regular thing again. I am also having the most serious suicidal thoughts I have had in years. I really struggle to judge how "serious" my thoughts are, but I have thought about plans and methods, and even some timings, although I haven't stuck to them. It might also be worth mentioning that I am questioning whether I have some kind of dissociative/trauma disorder, but this is entirely speculation on my part.
I have a therapy appointment tomorrow that I moved forward from Wednesday, but I don't want to tell my therapist everything, because she would have to refer me to hospital/tell my parents, and I can't go back to hospital. My parents feel guilty over missing how ill I was before, I think, and so they locked painkillers and stuff up for years after I stopped being suicidal the first time round. I can't have them not trusting me for another 6 years.
I am not coping day-to-day, and I feel so useless and like there's no point in me being here. Sorry this post is so long, but I can't hold it in anymore.

[Iamcatbug]

Hi and welcome to the site.

It sounds like you do have a lot going on. What has helped you in the past with getting back on track? Do you have any coping mechanisms that you can try to use to help yourself?

While I completely understand why telling people IRL that things have gone bad again, I think given that they are heading that way again, it might be worthwhile reaching out for support. I understand that this is often easier said than done.

Please do feel free to keep talking here if it helps.