Relapsing in my 30s…getting older…lost everything…

[butterfly hearts]

I feel like one day I woke up and I was 30 yeas old. I had a lot going on, positive things like study, volunteering, working, running a house, even getting the guts up to run my own online course. Then it all came crashing down.
I feel like I’m being left behind. After losing my adolescents to mental illness, once again I’m losing time. My friends are getting married having children, excelling in their careers. And I am here with next to no self confidence. And little self worth. And not much nice to say about myself…nothing to see I’m ‘achieving’. This is really hard and makes me think my life is passing me by.
I crave a relationship, but I know I have to leave my bedroom to find one and get my confidence up.
I always wanted to have a family.
Does anyone share my grief?
It was one thing to be lost at 16…but in my 30s :,(

[Elmer]

Hey :)

It's hard, mourning a life you didn't get to live.

But it's not over. People start again at all ages - go back to uni in their 60s, change careers, move away, get married. It's this weird belief in society that we need to have it all together by the time we hit 30. Who chose 30? Why do we have to listen to them?

I'm 31. I'm in my first year of university. If everything goes completely smoothly and all outcomes are the best (as predicted by me), I will be in my 40s by the time I am qualified for the career I have chosen.

I've also recovered from an eating disorder than nearly destroyed me, taken medication that stole my memories of my entire twenties and lost friends and family along the way. But I finally know who I am, I know who my chosen family are. I get the pressure to be in a relationship and have kids and a career but why is that so important, and why is there a time limit on it?

Also, I don't know you, but the first line of your post stood out to me - you did those things! You did! That's amazing. On top of that I saw your post about self harm. That's massive. And you did that too. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit for what you have most certainly achieved. I can imagine you have a million replies in your head detailing why I'm wrong, but can you step back for a moment and look at what you've managed to do in spite of the huge odds (yes they were huge), and tell yourself what you'd probably tell someone else presenting that information to you?

You're doing great.

[butterfly hearts]

People keep saying I’m doing so well and achieving so much, but I’ve never really listened. It’s hard because I have an internal critic that is so strong, SO loud. I can imagine if I was my friend or even just stepping back it’s pretty amazing what I’ve survived and what I’ve achieved. When I think that way it’s like I’m looking down at myself and seeing all the barriers and the struggle and seeing where I’ve come to. When the critic is there I’m looking up for something else because I don’t see my struggle I just see that nothing I do is enough and I’m getting nowhere.

I met a nurse in the psych hospital who had just become a nurse at 70. She was amazing. She wanted to help others because her daughter had post natal depression. I think of her when I think of ‘careers’ and time lines.

Having a family is a bit different though. Time does matter there. I just try not to panic and love each day and I already accept with grief that it might not be part of my life.

THE WORST is really comparing myself to peers on social media, who DON’T live with the illness or traumas I do.

Thanks for your words and your support.

[Elmer]

If you have a moment when the critic is quieter, could you write all the things your proud of, or all the things you would see as achievements if it were someone else, so you can refer back when things are tough?

Social media can be such a difficult thing but remember that cliche - it's a highlight reel. People only share the best, not the worst.

With the starting a family - is it important to you that you do it 'traditionally'? Would fostering/adoption/a donor be options you'd consider? Or working with kids? I have no desire to have children but I volunteer with them and that's so wonderful. It's not something I know much about, but remember you're already whole, with or without children.

Comparison is the thief of joy (another true cliche for you!)