It's been a long time but things are getting bad

[long road]

Was a gentler therapy session less deep. But it was good that it was less deep think it helped me settle a bit. And I wasn't completely shut off from emotion they did come up a bit. Therapist said I seemed more like myself.

Hoping won't break down much while my parents here. Having emotions round them is hard.

[one_step_closer]

I can relate to that, I find it very difficult around my brother and it's so hard trying to appear ok. I hope you manage to enjoy seeing your parents.

[long road]

Told my therapist about my vague suicide plan today in our session. I have conflicting feelings about having disclosed. Don't want to seem like I am attention seeking and the chance I will act on it is low right now although not non existent.

I am trying to stay safe and don't really want to die just escape the pain/ suffering. Voices have been shouty which was a never helpful. Think it more the voices that want it than me.

Promised therapist I would reach out if I felt close to acting. Either to her or a support line.

She asked if it would be ok to contact my GP and I said yes although now nervous about the fact she has done so. Even though my current GP is good with mental health

[one_step_closer]

It's not attention seeking to talk about having suicidal plans/thoughts/feelings at all, even if you feel like you won't act on them. It's really important to talk things through because it's easy to get stuck inside despair but there could be something that someone can say or do to ease that. I'm glad you were honest and hope you'll reach out if you need to. What makes you nervous about your therapist contacting your GP?

[long road]

I guess was important to say as even thought it's unlikely there is a chance I might get impulsive.and it's an indicator of level of distress.

Partly what is making me nervous is the voices shouting about it and being angry for having told one person and angrier that another person will know.

Partly nervousness is if GP suggests referring back to CMHT which would be ok if I thought they would actually take me on as I could do with more support. But in past I get my hopes up a bit while on waiting list, have assessment and then they say I don't need their service right now/ they can't help. Which is hard.

But mostly I think it's just the not knowing. Like I have a good relationship with my GP and he cares but the unknown of if he will get in touch and if so when is hard.

[long road]

Not heard anything from GP yet. My named GP is in again on Friday so might hear something then.

I am still battling thoughts and urges and myself / the voices. Kept safe so far so it feels weird that I still feel like I am at risk as have managed it without giving in so surely that can keep happening? And if it can then surely I am overreacting? That said it is taking everything to stay safe.

[Elmer]

Well done for telling your therapist what's going on, that takes a lot of courage. Hopefully your GP contacts you soon, and that you don't get messed around by the CMHT if you do get referred on. I know how difficult it can be to jump through all these hoops to get help, and then not actually get the help.

Everything you've been through, and are continuing to go through sounds utterly exhausting - you're not overreacting. Managing to keep yourself safe in spite of it all is huge but you shouldn't be having to fight this hard without support.

[long road]

Thanks Lio.

It is exhausting and overwhelming. I do have support outside my therapist in form of support workerfrom a local mental health charity but asked to take a break from working with him for a few weeks as it felt too much right now and because particular trauma I am working through makes me feel less safe around men and I only met him twice so not got to point I felt he is an exception to that. Not that I shared that bit with him or asked for a female. I have worked well with men in past had one as a care coordinator and as a psychologist just things are extra intense right now.

Thinking I will need to work hard on engaging with him again soon though as when I had CMHT assessment last year the only thing they referred me for was support worker with charity and that took a year to come through. Because if I do get referred back they might question why I didn't engage / use it as an excuse not to help. Bit also need to use whatever support I can get.

That said I honestly think because I try so hard to help myself it's unlikely CMHT will take me on. Of I was in crisis and not managing to keep myself safe on my own they would be more elikely to step in. System is broken, not that it was ever great but it was sless broken than this 13 years ago.

Part of tricky bit is also managing physical health with mental health and just not having the nerdy / capacity to do all the different things to help me stay well for all the different conditions. Respiratory Physio, Neuro Physio, Meditation, pacing, getting natural light, regular waking times, sleep hygeine, eating properly. Something always has to give and sometimes sther ear ethings that mentally would help but physically I am too ill to do that day.And when motivation is low because of depression side of things that gets even harder.