Contains sexual abuse - Being triggered years later

[roses_for_the_dead]

I have a past of sa and i have been in specific therapy for it and i have struggled really bad over the years but i got so much better and i am on a lot of meds too to help. My problem is it has caused a severe fear of hospitals due to a control thing, although you have a choice in hospital you often don't really and when i have been in before ive neen triggered really bad.

My problem is currently my partner is in hospital for surgery and it has been going on for a long time and i put my issues aside to be there for them. But now i am so horrendously triggered i am struggling to cope at all. Even just the gown not covering his bavk when they get him up exposing his bum is triggering me, the way they move him in bed and touch him when they sort out bed sheets etc i know its necessary but things like he wanted me to do a bed bath but the nurses did it without asking and he wasnt overly happy but didnt know how to stop it becsuee they just did it. Theres other major things but the minor things alone are trjggering me and it feels like whatever happens to him is happening to me and im losing control of everything.

He is the only person that knows of my past so i can only talk to him but he doesnt get it.

I dont know what i want out of this post? I am trying to get help but it wont be for a long time.

Am i crazy for acting like whatever happens to him happens to me and triggering me? I am currently off sick because of it and hes been so ill hes so scared ive been here everday which had made me worse and i know i should step back but i cant my ocd is so bad when im not there i think hes dead which is also insane. I always give way more than i get back and i need to stop because i caused this sitiation myself i just never want people to feel as bas as me so i do everything i can and then mess myself up in the process.

Im just really stuck

[Auror.]

it makes total sense for it all to be triggering! hospitals and medical things are extremely triggering for us too. do not think you are crazy. think it makes total sense given your history and your own experiences.

that said it does sound like stepping back might be of use if you're struggling to separate things happening to him from feeling like it is happening to you.
feeing empathy, worried, and so on is one thing and makes total sense as well! definitely not crazy or wrong to be feeling the way you are. but it sounds like its then kind of spiraling and triggering your own stuff which is making it hard for your brain.

idk if this is of use but for us it really helps to focus on what is different in the current situation to remind us that things are different, it is not like it was before, it is different, but also our feelings and fears etc all do make total sense given our experiences.

worded badly maybe but what a stressful situation. really hope your partner can improve enough to get home soon. do you have any support system of your own besides them that you can go to? it is amazing that you've been there for your partner and being so supportive for him. but it sounds like you could use some extra support of your own too.