Hi there! I took forever to write this post, so thanks for reading through it. I'm not denouncing treatment in anyway, it just wasn't something that worked for me. So here is my self-recovery journey:
My name is Phie. I'm a 24 year old singer/songwriter from Colorado(: When I was 18, I was very entrenched in my eating disorder, underweight, throwing up, and self-harming to distract from the guilt/anxiety/sadness. My life did not feel meaningful to me. I was in college, majoring in something I didn't care about. I worked a restaurant job that was miserable. I had friendships and relationships that were toxic and encouraging to my eating disorder.
When I was closest to death, I knew I had to make a change; however, I wasn't ready to recover. In some ways, traditional recovery felt backwards to me, like the opposite side of the same issue. For example, instead of focusing on restricting calories, I would have to focus on eating 2000 calories. Instead of focusing on weight loss, I would have to focus on weight gain. Whether the focus was on sickness or recovery, bulimia was still at the center.
I ended up briefly receiving treatment, and the change was far too drastic. All I could think was, "The second I'm out of here, I'm going to lose all my recovery weight and more! I'll get better at hiding my bulimia! I'll get better at lying!"
When I got out of treatment, that's exactly what I did. I hit a new low. I was very sick. I saw no hope. I wanted to die. I already felt like death anyhow, but in this longing for death, some thoughts occurred to me. Things like "Well if I'm going to kill myself, I might as well spend the last of my money on a trip to Hawaii and do it there," or, "I'll spend my last night at a 5 star hotel, planning the perfect binge at a Michilen star restaurant," and finally the thought that saved me: "If I'm going to kill myself, I might as well do the thing that's always scared me: pursue a career in music."
Singing and songwriting was something I'd always been passionate about, but gave up because "it's not a viable career option", along with crippling stage fright and a fear of failure/judgement. However, with death so imminent, those fears seemed to matter less, after all, if I failed I could kill myself a month from then.
I told my parents I had enrolled in a new college for a singer/songwriter program, and would be quitting treatment and moving out of their house into my own apartment. Understandably, they were alarmed and concerned. They threatened and proceeded to cut me off. We didn't communicate much for two years as I embarked on my musical journey.
Despite the stress of being on my own and without the support of my family, my days were suddenly filled with classes I enjoyed: piano, songwriting, creative writing, theory, choir, ear training, French, etc. I was surrounded by like-minded individuals and would spend hours after class in the practice rooms writing music. I had something to be excited about and something to dedicate my time to. As a result, my eating disorder behaviors naturally decreased.
This is where I made the connection that NOT focusing on bulimia, that NOT focusing on recovery or sickness, was the only thing that had helped me in years. As an experiment, I then made a promise to myself that bulimia would not get a second more of my mental energy. If I binged and purged, I would not wallow in guilt, I would not browse support forums, I would not make plans as to how I would avoid a b/p episode in the future, I would simply acknowledge the behavior with compassion, and re-direct my energy to something meaningful, which was typically my music. Basically in a nut shell: "Oh you binged and purged? Oh you counted calories today? Oh you restricted? That makes sense. You've used these behaviors to cope for a long time. Oh well. Who cares? Let's make some music now! Let's write a song! Let's paint!" Of course, this was a process. Sometimes I would wallow in guilt. Then I would acknowledge that, and move on all the same.
My focus on music led to progression in music. I met a producer who helped me get my first album off the ground. I was frequenting open mics which led to networking, getting a band together, then smaller shows, then bigger shows, etc. I managed to get a song on local radio which led to a professional songwriting job at a studio. I eventually dropped out of school and was pursuing music full time, determined to re-invent my identity. I was no longer "bulimic". I was no longer "sick." I was still binging and purging, but I chose to think of my ED as just "something I did sometimes" as opposed to who I was. Because who I was, was a singer, an artist, a songwriter, a musician, etc.
I slowly created a life worth living. My identity became meaningful to me. I no longer cared about being skinny. I cared about being an artist, and I wanted to be an artist people could look up to. I aspired to be the artist that loved her body and herself, an artist who wasn't appearance-obsessed, who didn't starve themselves, who didn't fit the Hollywood mold or feel pressured to. Each time I chose music over bulimia, I realized I needed bulimia less and less. I started to choose an important show over a binge/purge episode that I knew would damage my voice.I would choose to channel my emotions into a song as opposed to eating them away. In this time, I also learned better to trust myself and my intuition.
For years, people told me I couldn't do music, and here I was doing it! My mother told me how I had to recover, but here I was doing it my own way. I started to question what other things I'd been programmed to believe, or told I had to do in life. I started dressing the way I wanted, speaking my mind, and questioning everything. Each time I followed my gut, I started to care less and less about what people thought about me. I would go singing and dancing in the park near my house. Would I get some weird looks? Sure. But the happiness it brought me was enough of a reward to not care about others' judgments.
Now it's December of 2020. I love my body. I am strong and healthy. I trust my intuition. I'm not perfect. I slip up sometimes, but I don't pay that any attention, because I know I'm on the right track. We are on a rock in space. Our galaxy is so small compared to the Universe, and earth so small in comparison to our galaxy. We are a spec compared to the earth, and our problems are even smaller than that. Life is way too meaningful to fill it with meaningless things!!!! I wish you so much love for your body and yourself and for life. Enjoy your day on a rock in space!!!
If anyone is curious, here is my latest release. It just made it onto the biggest alternative modern rock station in the US which is soooo cool! This is my music, my art- my recovery(:
https://youtu.be/LNf44WuUP3k
Curveball
